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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One sided play dates

201 replies

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 08:36

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:17

@SalviaOfficinalis yes I have ! It all blew up last week when my dd was upset at the girl having another girl round and then taunting my dd about it. I said it's no wonder she gets upset when my dd doesn't get asked round. She mumbled something about maybe arranging something in the holidays.

OP posts:
neverendingpartywallproblems · 22/07/2022 10:18

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:14

My goodness some very sanctimonious parents on here. Her child is incredibly forward, inviting herself over, going in every room, inviting herself to stay for tea etc and j just put up with it all for my dd sake.

You don't have to put up with that either.
You have children over on your terms at times that suit you - there is no obligation to say yes when she invites herself.
And you can also enforce boundaries on where that child goes in your house.

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 10:18

Ok so enforce some similar rules if you don't like it. It doesn't change the fact that the mum should allow these things, just because you can. You are in a tight spot because this girl is your dd only friend so you need to weigh that up.

luxxlisbon · 22/07/2022 10:19

Her child is incredibly forward, inviting herself over, going in every room, inviting herself to stay for tea etc and j just put up with it all for my dd sake.

That is your choice though and not the only option. You clearly feel like you need to make sacrifices to foster your daughter’s friendships.
Personally I would not put up with another child not following the rules in my own home for my DD sake. Neither is necessarily wrong, just different opinions.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:19

@neverendingpartywallproblems but it's ok for her dd to come to my house constantly ?? If I was in the other mums shoes I wouldn't dream of being so blatant in allowing the one side play dates. She shouldn't accept my invitation of a play date.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:20

Guess I just have to suck it up to please my dd. Bloody unfair though.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 22/07/2022 10:22

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:19

@neverendingpartywallproblems but it's ok for her dd to come to my house constantly ?? If I was in the other mums shoes I wouldn't dream of being so blatant in allowing the one side play dates. She shouldn't accept my invitation of a play date.

No, it's not okay, if that's not what you want.

You said the child invites herself. Not that you invite her. So say no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2022 10:28

If this child is upsetting yours by taunting her then you need to stop the friendship. You’re the parent, protect her.

CoolAir · 22/07/2022 10:29

At 10 the children have a lot more of an opinion on who they want to invite and who they don't.
I suspect the girl is nagging her mum to invite the other child because she wants to play with her but never gets invited to hers so only way to play with her is to invite her over.
Whereas with your DD she doesn't need to do that as she can come to yours regularly!

One of mine had a friend who was a very popular girl so loads of girls were inviting her for play dates. It was very one-sided as she never had to invite anyone back and my DD used to get upset about this.

Unfortunately I think if your DD is getting a lot of out this OP you're going to have to suck it up snd carry on for sake of DD's happiness

WillMcAvoy · 22/07/2022 10:30

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:19

@neverendingpartywallproblems but it's ok for her dd to come to my house constantly ?? If I was in the other mums shoes I wouldn't dream of being so blatant in allowing the one side play dates. She shouldn't accept my invitation of a play date.

You are inviting her. If you don't want people to come to your house, don't invite them.
Nobody has to reciprocate, that isn't the deal. You invite people to come to your house if you want them to come to your house, not in the expectation of them inviting you to their house. They don't have to.

You're in the wrong here.

neverendingpartywallproblems · 22/07/2022 10:32

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:19

@neverendingpartywallproblems but it's ok for her dd to come to my house constantly ?? If I was in the other mums shoes I wouldn't dream of being so blatant in allowing the one side play dates. She shouldn't accept my invitation of a play date.

No it is not OK. You are in charge of what happens in your house and you can say no or postpone to a time convenient for you.

It is a hard one as if the Mum did not accept invites at all, you would potentially interpret this as she doesn't want her DD to be friends with yours and then your DD wouldn't get to play with her at all.

The playdates are clearly of benefit to your DD so I would facilitate in your shoes but it would be on my terms and I would also have boundaries in terms of what they are and are not allowed to do in my home

GooglyEyeballs · 22/07/2022 10:35

Don't act like a martyr OP, enforce your own rules and boundaries and respect other people's rules and boundaries. It really is that simple. You don't have to turn it into a big drama.

Goldbar · 22/07/2022 10:42

Children who can't follow simply instructions from their hosts or who can't understand that different houses have different rules aren't ready to go on unaccompanied playdates.

That's why I accompany my 4yo on most playdates - DC is not usually naughty but is capable of getting extremely over-excited in strange houses and not listening to the host unless told extremely firmly. On the other hand, I have had some of DC's friends here without parents (usually due to siblings needing to be looked after) and it's been fine - these children are generally the more compliant, laid-back ones. It's annoying for me (I'd love free childcare!), but my DC is just not at that stage yet.

I understand with a 10 yo, it is more difficult, but my response to a child not listening to me on a playdate would usually be to ask the parent to stay. I'm happy to be very firm with visiting children in a 'Come on now, it's dinner, stop messing about and everyone sitting at table please!' way, but I wouldn't expect to change my house rules for them (and no guests upstairs isn't an uncommon rule) nor to actually have to tell them off or discipline them (as this isn't my place). So I'd ask the parent to stay and I'd expect them to make sure that their child behaves and obeys the house rules. If the parent didn't do this, I wouldn't invite again.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:43

@AnneLovesGilbert so she has no friends at all ? Have you even bothered to read my post ??

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:44

@CoolAir you have got it in one !! The other friend never invites this girl over as her mum has her hands full rather with lots of children !

OP posts:
Mally100 · 22/07/2022 10:45

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:43

@AnneLovesGilbert so she has no friends at all ? Have you even bothered to read my post ??

So what is your solution here ? It's tough for you because it's your dd who stands to lose out. You either suck it up for the sake of your dd friendship, or start enforcing rules and the girl can decide if she wants to come over. If she is taunting your dd then that's another matter.

Footbal · 22/07/2022 10:48

The other parent doesn't want the responsibility of looking after your autistic child that doesn't obey her rules. That is perfectly reasonable.

WillMcAvoy · 22/07/2022 10:49

Jesus OP, grow up and parent. Either invite this kid, or other kids, over for your DD to play with, or don't. Accept the outcome of either decision. Stop making such a damn fuss!

dessertsun · 22/07/2022 10:51

GooglyEyeballs · 22/07/2022 10:35

Don't act like a martyr OP, enforce your own rules and boundaries and respect other people's rules and boundaries. It really is that simple. You don't have to turn it into a big drama.

Exactly!
Invite the child if you want to, don't if you don't. Honestly though, I can't understand why you'd jeopardise the friendship over whose turn it is to invite a child over.
Not everything in life is transactional. You have no idea about the ins and outs of another family and why they may prefer to invite another child before your daughter and unless you are friends with the family why should you. Do what makes your daughter happy and leave it at that. Don't go commenting on the lack of return invites , that will only make your daughter feel that there's a problem w he n there isn't.

greenteafiend · 22/07/2022 10:55

Eh, is it such a big deal if PDs always tend to take place at one person's house? Sometimes, one home is just better set up for this kind of stuff, or traveling is easier for one person than for the other person.

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:56

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Happyhibiscus · 22/07/2022 10:58

It’s a bit unkind of your daughters friend to taunt your daughter- I would be questioning this friendship all round to be honest. Why don’t you try backing off a bit from this friendship and see what happens.
I know how hard it is, we are always the ones who host and very very rarely get them reciprocated but do so for the sake of our child. Some of the parents work full time so I understand why they find it hard to host, others just don’t want the hassle. But when they invite others around it is upsetting for the child, and hard not to take it personally.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 11:00

@Happyhibiscus I'm not that happy with the friendship to be honest, the other girl is rather manipulative and isn't always that kind. My dd can't see that though and it's her only friend who brings her joy so it's a very tough situation.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 22/07/2022 11:05

You do know that autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour and dis respect?

JustLyra · 22/07/2022 11:05

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:14

My goodness some very sanctimonious parents on here. Her child is incredibly forward, inviting herself over, going in every room, inviting herself to stay for tea etc and j just put up with it all for my dd sake.

That’s your choice to accept that though. Not all parents would. And in some houses it’s just not safe for children to wander ignoring rules.

Play dates aren’t always reciprocal- different work patterns, siblings, medical needs and a million other things go on in other peoples homes.

Let your DD invite her friends over as and when it suits without any expectation and you’ll be a lot happier.