Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

[OwlButter]

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

If I could afford to, then I would

Could you get a plaque engraved which you attach to the headstone?

You can ask the local council for permission to add a plaque. My great grandparents are buried together with both their names on the headstone. When their daughter (my nanna) died she was cremated and my family had a plaque made for her

@OwlButter
There's a couple of family plots on my dads side of the family.
One contains my dads older brother and older sister (who died as babies at 13m and 29m in the 1920s), their grandparents and their great grandparents. The first burial being in the 1890s.
It's marked by a tiny sandstone "stump" which was a cross originally, but is in a corner of a now full graveyard and you can't get to it as it's completely overgrown.
There are no names on it at all, from what my late dad told me.
His parents are buried in a different cemetery (but together) with a stone.

My DH side has a family plot too.
It contains his paternal grandparents, uncle and his wife and their son (who pre-deceased his parents). There was a headstone originally, but it was removed for the interment of his late aunt (the final burial) and never put back on.
DH did think about getting a new stone made...but who for? DH has no living relatives and is the "end of the line".

It really is up to you OP. I get the bit about marking a life, but if someone was cremated and their ashes sprinkled somewhere meaningful to them/their family, there's no marker either.

Sorry, not exactly helpful, but at least you know you're situation isn't that unusual now anyway.

your 🤦‍♀️ I really need to go back to bed!

I would

I totally understand your feelings about this, OP. She lived and she mattered and it’s so disappointing her children and grandchildren didn’t rectify the situation. I’d want to fix it too if I could.

Gestures matter to the living, not the dead. Personally I think engraving her name on a stone after all these years is a waste of money. Our loved ones live on after death because we remember and love them after they are gone. A name on a headstone means nothing if there are no memories and feelings attached to the name.

This is about you and your feelings, if it matters to have her name engraved, go ahead. It's how you feel about it that's important.

Is I could afford it I would.

I would do it. But I wouldn't rush and put myself in financial trouble to do it.

I think it's a lovely thing to do and it might not matter to anyone else but it clearly matters to you so you should!

I absolutely would! And I’m sure your Mum would be smiling down on you for it. Having said that I’m coming from a strong Christian point of view so have (obviously) some bias.
If it doesn’t constrain you financially, I think you said you can do it next year, I think go for it. Anything to give you peace and solace is important. Wishing you all the best.💐

I definitely would. I recently took my dc to visit the family grave of my mother's parents (my mother is buried elsewhere), ie their maternal great grandparents. I never knew them as they died before I was born and it was the first time to visit for all of us as it's not close to where we live. It was fascinating to read all the inscriptions and get a sense of who they were, it's part of our family history.

I wouldn't. But, I'm not particularly nostalgic. It just seems like a waste of money to me. When you're gone, you're gone. However, I do understand that some people think differently so if its important to you, then I think it sfine.

I wouldn't but that's because I have other things that need the money. However if I came into money I would. Or everytime you would buy yourself something you could buy the cheaper one/not buy it and put the difference in an account to save for it?

I would do it. It would feel important to me too, OP, because it's the right thing to do. It's like the poor woman never existed at all!

I feel like you are rewriting history by doing this. There must've been a reason this didn't happen at the time. I would concentrate on your relationships with living people if family and recognition of people's lives is important to you. That isn't meant to sound snippy. I have a family member obsessed by family history , relationships with the living are a bit .......

Take a look around any cemetary; most graves and their headstones will be overgrown, covered in weeds, and/or crumbling.
Unless you or family are going to visit and tend the grave regularly, there is little point. Find another way to remember her - get a star named for her (can get thru not on the high street and other such places) for example

Yes. And you’ve reminded me that there’s another person in with my great grandparents, whose name isn’t on the gravestone.
Can I ask how you got permission to do it, I thought you had to have the deeds in your name to alter a grave ?

I'll be doing something similar for my grandfather who died in the early 1940s (long before I was born). Recently discovered his gravestone has become broken so even though I never knew him, we're all going to chip in and have a new one made.

I’d most certainly do it. But then I love walking round cemeteries reading inscriptions and wondering about the people’s lives. It’s an historical record of someone’s existence for many years to come.

It’s most likely that the reason was financial. She’s not rewriting history, she wants to record it.

Your sense of family and history are lovely, OP, and I understand why you'd like to do this thing. You say the remaining family aren't interested, but could you ask for a contribution towards the engraving for your next birthday/Christmas present from them?

@Vikinga I can't speak to her grandchildren for various reasons. There are only 2 left now as one of them - my mum - isn't alive anymore as I've said upthread

@Doingmybest12 my relationships with the living are perfectly fine and healthy. I'm not obsessed either. And there was a reason it wasn't done at the time .. they fell out over the finances and nobody could be bothered.

@KangarooKenny I called the council bereavement services and they said there was no owner of the grave and that was that. It's straightforward and just requires some paperwork which again, isn't difficult to complete. However this is in this case as this is 50 years old - it may be different in other circumstances

I probably would to stick it to the family members who were behaving too petty to do things properly. Very appalling behaviour from people who wouldn't have been alive without her.

Thanks for all your thoughts, much appreciated and something to think over. I'll leave it there now and give it more thought over time

Thanks again