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Original poster

Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

186 replies

OwlButter · 21/07/2022 19:21

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

OP posts:
romdowa · 21/07/2022 20:32

I would. When my nan died she was buried with her mother and our family discovered that her sisters newborn who had died was also in the grave but not marked on the head stone. My family paid to have the babies details put on the headstone.

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 20:33

@Newmum110 oh I can lay my hands on the money. It's just whether it's a good thing to spend it on but I know only I can answer that

There would be no thanks from anyone for doing it! Not that that should be a motivator

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balalake · 21/07/2022 20:34

I would.

I am glad that the relatives of mine who died in the second world war have a memorial.

dudsville · 21/07/2022 20:37

I would, i think it's a lovely and important thing, but i would be ok with the cost. It's not a small amount of money and you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to for financial reasons.

SlagathaChristie · 21/07/2022 20:38

I absolutely would. It is the right thing to do. We should all be remembered by our descendents in some way, and a gravestone is important. It would be good and right for you to right the wrong of your great-grandmother being put in an unmarked grave, as though she was nothing more than her husband's possession (and I'm sure he didn't want that either).

PuckeredArseFace · 21/07/2022 20:38

I would
She's part of you and your family
She should be acknowledged in some way

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 20:39

@dudsville and that's where I'm stuck. I am ok with the cost but it also isn't money I have just sat on the side doing nothing. I think I worry it would be a waste of money as she can't exactly thank me or tell me what she'd prefer

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FlamesofAnor · 21/07/2022 20:39

I would do it, OP.

It always makes me sad when I think that one day I will die and in a few years/decades time no one will remember who I was or that I existed. Just another person that lived and died on this planet just like the millions before us. I am leaving nothing history worthy behind. Nothing to make a Wikipedia page about. I am no writer, painter, actress, scientist, athlete etc.

I am assuming your great grandma wasn't either. (Apologies, if that's not true!)

That headstone will be an acknowledgement that she lived and mattered to someone.

Whenever I happen to walk through a cemetery I always read the headstones, check the dates people were born and died. I always wonder who they were, what they've seen and what lives they led.

Catsdrool · 21/07/2022 20:42

I think I understand why you want to do it and I think it’s a lovely thing to do. It’s a way to connect yourself with your relative and you’d be righting a wrong that was done to her

enjoyingscience · 21/07/2022 20:42

Is this a graveyard in a church? I wonder if asking the vicar to mention her in a service and say a prayer would help? I’m not at all religious, but an act of remembering might help you?

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 20:44

@enjoyingscience I don't think it is tbh but I will double check. That's a lovely idea though

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Chugalug21 · 21/07/2022 20:45

You could add a photo and added description for her on www.findagrave.com/
That would be mean others coud find her, and there would be something lasting at least on the internet.

On the other hand, my family added a headstone for a relative who died 80 years ago and was buried without and felt it was just the right thing, although the cost was shared between 5, thinking practically.

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 20:47

@FlamesofAnor you're right - she was not a woman of note. She died aged 69 and will have had a hard life - my family are from the north east and they were not wealthy people.

But people - especially women - do matter don't they? Her life mattered

I also then think about what I'd do if I discovered my great great grandma didn't have a headstone . Or further back

Where would this end 😀

OP posts:
NoGoodUsernamee · 21/07/2022 20:50

I can totally understand this from an emotional prospective. £400 is a lot of money though… I’d be torn too.

My mum has been delving into family history recently & has spent weekends driving round the country visiting gravestones! We take the piss 😂 but she’s really enjoying/emotional about it. She would 100% pay the £400! I also agree it being a woman makes me feel more inclined. Find a way to get her name there OP, one way or another! I think it would be a wonderful selfless thing. X

KezzabellaB · 21/07/2022 20:51

If I had the money then yes, I absolutely would. You may not have known her personally but she was your Great Gran, and let's face it - you wouldn't be here without her!
Mind you, if I didn't have the money then it would be a different thing altogether!

Nutsabouttopic · 21/07/2022 20:53

My husband did. It was his great uncle, the last of the family. Never married, had no children and was considered a bit odd so nobody really kept in touch once his parents were gone. But they came crawling out of the woodwork when it was discovered that he had money. DH asked his father who got an inheritance from this man about putting name on headstone. I will later was the answer. When FIL passed DH put great uncles name on headstone because he felt that he was part of the family history and should be included and acknowledged. He felt, for him, it was the right thing to do. I think some of it was that most of the family didn't want to acknowledge the fact he had learning disabilities. Our own daughter has too so I think this was why DH was adamant on doing it. He felt satisfied if that's the right word when he saw the inscription

Prettypennies · 21/07/2022 20:54

How about making a family tree instead? That way the younger generation in your family can learn about her. You can do it online :)

Riverlee · 21/07/2022 20:55

If I could afford it, I would. I wouldn’t want her erased from history.

Dartmoorcheffy · 21/07/2022 20:57

oh gosh I totally understand this.

my mum died in 2008, and is buried with my dad who died many years before. The grave has his name on it but I have never got around to having my mums name put on it.

I live hundreds of miles away, I cant afford to have it done, and nobody else will ever go to the grave. I am an only child with no children. There are no other family at all.

I feel bad that my mums name isnt on there, but who is ever going to know, or in all honesty care.

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 20:58

@Prettypennies I have done a family tree 😊

And that's nice but it doesn't take away the fact I know she's in an unmarked grave

OP posts:
Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 21:00

@Dartmoorcheffy and there's nothing wrong with that either. I don't think there's a right or wrong tbh. If you're comfortable with it then that's all that matters I think

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Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 21:01

@Nutsabouttopic that's a lovely thing he did and he was right to feel satisfied. That's a good word for it

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bloodywhitecat · 21/07/2022 21:02

It would bother me too and if I could afford it, I would do it.

wallpoppy · 21/07/2022 21:05

If it makes a difference, I love visiting churches and graveyards and I often walk around and read the names and dates and inscriptions and wonder about the people buried there and what their lives were like. On more than one occasion I've seen a stone with empty space that shouldn't be empty (because the person who is buried there lived and died so long ago there's no way their spouse could still be living) and I always wonder if the living spouse remarried, or emigrated, or if it's just that there was no one to bother on her (always seems to be her) behalf when she passed.

So it's not true that no one else would notice. I would also make sure to add her maiden name as well, if you can, because it's always so sad to me that the names women are born with are so often lost to history.

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 21:05

The 'funny' thing is that the actual lettering is cheap! Only £2:50 per letter.

The expense comes from them collecting the stone and then taking it back and resetting it. That's the expensive bit

OP posts: