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Original poster

Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

186 replies

OwlButter · 21/07/2022 19:21

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

OP posts:
NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 22:47

Herbaceousborder · 21/07/2022 22:44

I walked through a graveyard today and it's wonderful to get the sense of history from the headstones. Even the names are interesting and tell us so much about a changing world.I'd certainly do it.

That’s one of my favorite pastimes when I’m in the UK.

Scoobyblue · 21/07/2022 22:48

Definitely do it.

twoandcooplease · 21/07/2022 22:50

No one deserves to be buried nameless

seaUrchinOne · 21/07/2022 22:56

No one knows she's there unless it's written, I think it's a lovely thing to do and if you feel that strongly about it then do it.

Whenever I pass through a graveyard, I find it fascinating to read the headstones, who they were and what year they died. Especially the ones that died centuries ago, they still lived and it's nice to acknowledge them.

Thisbastardcomputer · 21/07/2022 22:56

Whether you decide to do it or not. We have just had mother's name added to a headstone and it cost £720, £400 sounds like a bargain.

JustLyra · 21/07/2022 23:00

Are you sure you’d actually be allowed to do it? Surely the only people who can actually have inscriptions added would be the people who have the lair certificates and own the grave?

Don’t want you getting your plans in place then discovering that you can’t actually do it.

We weren’t allowed to update a headstone because the person who held the paperwork wouldn’t allow it (as a power trip).

picklemewalnuts · 21/07/2022 23:02

@JustLyra she's already investigated all that. She can do it, if she wants to.

RishiRich · 21/07/2022 23:06

It matters because two people are there and only one of them is marked. The woman isn't and that's just typical of how women are generally seen in society, particularly back in those days.

There's no sense in stretching yourself financially to do it, but a whip-round or a flower holder is a lovely idea.

VestaTilley · 21/07/2022 23:06

Damn. Just wrote a long message out and it’s deleted!

In short - yes, do it. It’s lovely that you want to, and she deserves to be remembered. I intend doing the same for my own DGM at some point (she doesn’t have a stone as her ashes were scattered).

sleepyhoglet · 21/07/2022 23:08

Sharpie pen... (just kidding)

rnsaslkih · 21/07/2022 23:09

I wouldn't. She mattered to people - she and they knew it when she/they were alive. And she has been laid to rest with the love of her life.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 23:18

rnsaslkih · 21/07/2022 23:09

I wouldn't. She mattered to people - she and they knew it when she/they were alive. And she has been laid to rest with the love of her life.

All the more reason to commemorate her, surely?

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 23:22

@JustLyra as per my op, that is all fine. I have the go ahead to do it with no issues - it was, not f course, the first thing I checked

OP posts:
Annoyedwithmyself · 21/07/2022 23:26

My mum had a stone flower holder engraved for her older sister when I was younger. I don't think it can be removed. The burial ground approved them and it's heavy stone.

tillytown · 21/07/2022 23:30

Yes, I would do it. None of you would exist if it wasn't for her, she mattered in life, she should matter in death

StoneofDestiny · 21/07/2022 23:36

Yes I would, and have done something similar - erecting an engraved headstone on an ancestors unmarked grave. I do think it's important that something exists to show you lived.

TiredYorkshireMam · 21/07/2022 23:53

@OwlButter

Yes, I see where you are coming from and yes, I would do it.

I am very sentimental though and i can't bear to think of people being forgotten or irrelevant.

I like to wander around graveyards reading the names and inscriptions on gravestones of people long dead and I like to think that people always will and in a hundred years or so someone will be reading mine....

If it was free / cheaper, I'm guessing it would be a no brainer? It's just the cost? Well nobody knows your finances, but if you can afford it without going out, I think it is something you will be pleased you've done.

Original poster
OwlButter · 21/07/2022 23:58

@TiredYorkshireMam that's it exactly. If it was, say, £150, id do it tomorrow. £400 (and I think closer to £500 actually as there are other little fees for paperwork etc) and I need to think about whether it's just a waste of my money. After all, she's laid there quite happily (I assume!) for 50 years. She doesn't know and she will never know.

But still... I care!

OP posts:
Gingersay · 22/07/2022 00:42

I had this same conversation with my dad recently, he had a sister who passed away when she was 7/8 ish before he was born, she had contracted meningitis when she was 2 and was left disabled. Back in those days kids got put into hospitals/asylums for that my granny visited her in hospital but never spoke much about her after she died. She's buried with my gps and the grave has room for my dad, she's not mentioned on the headstone and I have asked my dad when we are adding him can I add her too. Its so sad that there's nothing no trace that the poor soul was ever here.

crackersforcrackers · 22/07/2022 00:56

I would do it because her life did mean something and her husband is commemorated and she should be too. Although I agree there's no rush money wise, you can put £20 away here and there until you get to £400, or ask around the family for donations, you may be surprised who wants to help.

TranscendingTheSituation · 22/07/2022 01:02

When I read the title of this post I was thinking that I’d say no, of course you shouldn’t bother. However, I actually think I would in this case.

I’m not usually at all sentimental but I’d feel that her life was worth something and she deserves to be acknowledged, the same as her husband. It almost seems more important as there are so few people left that remember her at all.

HaveringWavering · 22/07/2022 01:18

In many ways I can see why you feel like it would be the right thing to do. However it sounds like £400 would be a bit of a stretch for you. You keep coming back to the idea that it's like she never existed as she's not commemorated, but might it help to think of it another way? I am a huge fan of Who Do You Think You Are? and they always bring people to life through documents. It's fairly anticlimactic (at least it feels that way to me) if they actually go to the grave at the end.

My parents are both dead and buried, together in the same grave. I hate hate hate visiting it though, all I can think of is the grief of standing there at their funerals, and picturing their bodies in boxes rotting under my feet.

Your Great Grandmother is documented in her birth, death and marriage certificates that are on the public record, as well as the birth certificates of her children. She was born in 1903 so she will appear in the 1911 and 1921 censuses, which are already public, and every 10 years when the next census comes out she'll be on there too. Maybe she's mentioned in other places as well. Why not spend some time looking up all her records and making a scrapbook or online genealogy file? That seems to me a bit we tribute than words on a cold grey grave marker.

Vikinga · 22/07/2022 01:28

Maybe speak to her grandkids (including your parent) and get everyone to contribute and also remember her? Maybe try and find out a bit about her life etc. Could be interesting and a nice way of marking her existence?

BirdWatch · 22/07/2022 01:33

My two cousins and I are going in on one for our shared grandmother, we never knew our dads(half-brothers) or anybody on our paternal side.

shinyshoes5566 · 22/07/2022 01:37

You wouldn't be here without this woman's lifetime work of bringing up your grandad. I don't know whether you're a Mum or not, but the work and love that goes into bringing up a child is incredible. Presumably he passed that on to your parent, who passed it on to you. Even though you didn't know her, she's been a very important part of your life and your upbringing. It's a lovely thing to do to recognise her - if only for yourself rather than others. If you have descendants yourself, they'll surely go looking for her one day too.