Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

[OwlButter]

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

@wallpoppy and she had a lovely maiden name! It was Leaf! 🍃

No I wouldn't because when you have been dead a certain amount of years and 1972 is getting close it's like you never existed. Just a stone with an unknown name so doesn't matter if there is no name

Op it's clear that it's something that is weighing on your mind, and you feel a need to acknowledge her. So I would say do it. It would mean maybe a few months of cutting costs, but once it's done you might feel very at peace and glad you did it.

I agree with you. I would do it.

Does the local church have a book of remembrance?

That’s exactly why it’s important. This woman has literally disappeared as if she never existed. Her husband hasn’t though.

We found a family grave in a local cemetery. When we found it, it was in a right state. After some discussion we paid £150 to have it cleaned up. They were the same generation as my mum's grandparents but a bit further over on the family tree. My mum knew their names, but I'm not sure she really knew them IYKWIM.

I felt that it was respectful to do that. Of course £150 isn't in the £400+ ball park, but I get it a little bit.

Is there a record at the cemetery? Ours has list of who's buried there and the plot locations. How would you feel if she was recorded in that way rather than on the headstone?

Yes, I definitely would. In fact, I’m going to! My maternal grandmother, who died 40 years before I was born, her parents, and one of my great-uncles, are buried in an unmarked grave which I traced and intend to install a headstone. I feel like I have to, and wish it could have been done before my Mum died.

@User639921 that's a bit bleak!

@OwlButter it matters to you and I’d feel
the same. Put £50 a month away and do it in 8 months or so?

It's such a personal decision, no-one is right or wrong. But for you@OwlButter it sounds like the right decision. And I think I'd do it too if I could, it feels right for me.

Yes, I would do it if it was that important to me. Another thing you could do is create an online memorial to her at Find a Grave, or if you've researched an compiled your family tree online at Ancestry or Find my Past, share it with your wider family so that she's remembered properly (I have done this for my family). Apologies if this has already been suggested, I haven't read the full thread.

We went to France to see my Great, Great Uncle's name on a war memorial.

When I saw his name carved into the stone, it meant something.

I do think you should find out why none of her children wanted to mark her grave though. It could well be a money issue (understandable) but there could also be painful relationships which are better left alone.

@Minimalme her child was my grandad and he's been dead for nearly 30 years now.

I paid for my great aunt to have a headstone, she died age six in the 1930s and while we knew which church yard she was in, her spot was unmarked and mystery.

My Gran and her siblings were younger or not born when their sister died and while some had vague memories of her couldn't recall any dates.

I found all the relevant certificates and got in contact with the church elders who found her plot.

At the time I didn't know why I was driven to do it, on reflection I think it was important for me that she had an anchor in this world that shows she was here, she was loved and she is remembered.

Some family members think I'm mad but i don't think I'd have settled until it was done.

Are there any family stories about her op?

1972 isn't so long ago - what about her grandchildren?

For example, my kids know that I have cut my Mother off because she was horribly abusive to me.

They are old enough to remember Nan and that she hurt me and wasn't nice to them.

Put your £400 towards the living i memory of your relative.

I did something similar OP. Long gone family members, I am not a direct descendant but none of their three DC had children, so there was no-one to look after the graves. I had photos of them and a few letters, but when I went to the graveyard, their grave was in a hell of a state, the headstone knocked over and chipped. I paid to have it mended and put up again, and to have everything cleaned up. I can't remember how much it was, not as much as what you're proposing but defo a few thousands. It felt like the right thing to do, and I do still visit their grave and am really glad that it's standing.

@NimrodNimroy that's so lovely 🥰

This has been on my mind …. my grandfather was married twice. He divorced my mother’s mother due to her being incarcerated in a mental hospital for many years ( 7 years by then)
He remarried and is buried with his parents( his second wife was Catholic and is in a different cemetery). His second wife is mentioned on his gravestone but not my mother or grandmother.
I would like to add a book-type memorial saying “Also I’m memory of and dates and their daughter **.” This type of marble book.
My grandmother never left the hospital and died there in 1972 having been there 40 years. My mother visited her as often as she could with us children and I remember granny well.
Its so sad that her existence was never noted. A shameful secret. I believe it was Post Partum Trauma that had her admitted in the first place.

Yes OP I would do it and you're lovely for thinking of it. Why not do it and mark someone's life? Its your money, so you do with it what you please. Im sure (although i know you're not thinking if doing for this reason), that this lovely gesture would come back to you in positive way further down the line - karma

I would. It would just feel right, and put it right after all these years. I think it would bring you enormous satisfaction. But you shouldn't beat yourself up, if you don't have the funds orwans as current life is more important

What about having it on your 'one day' list?

Or asking for contributions as a birthday/Christmas gift?

You could ask the church (is it a church?) if they have a book of remembrance and add her there instead.

I walked through a graveyard today and it's wonderful to get the sense of history from the headstones. Even the names are interesting and tell us so much about a changing world.I'd certainly do it.