Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

[OwlButter]

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

I would, it doesn't seem right to me, to leave her off it with her huabands details being there.

I would do it.

its honouring her and also honouring yourself as her descendant.

I think gestures matter. And it would be money well spent.

I would if I could afford it.

I would do it. It's such a lovely thing to do. I agree that she deserves to be remembered

how about setting up a gofundme page for it?

When the grandchildren die, are likely to inherent anything in any wills? Maybe put some of that money towards it, so that it's a family contribution of sorts.

I can see why you want to do it.

I think I'd be putting aside a couple of £ here and there as a saving pot and doing it when I had enough. £5 a week would get you there in under 2 years. Or you could do it over a longer period of time - there's no hurry, once you've made the decision to do it.

I own two family graves and I view them as part of the family heritage/history that future generations can come to.

On one I must have put my aunt's name on the stone maybe 25-30 years after she died, but I felt a lot better for having done it.

In the other a young-ish adult is buried with her parents but not named. I took ownership of the grave as it's family, but I haven't felt compelled (enough) to add her name - perhaps because she died 20+ years before I was born.

So it really does comedown to personal feelings. On balance I don't feel that a flower holder really cuts it.

I like the suggestions of a contribution from other living relatives, especially any that knew her - kind of family crowd-funding.

But it's a strange thing, if you are cremated then there is no headstone to engrave, and no-one seems to worry about that. Many cemeteries have a place to engrave names of people who have been cremated, maybe your cemetery would allow that? I think it would be a smaller and less expensive format of inscription.

*inherit, not inherent!

I don't feel it's that you ought to do it, but it would be a lovely thing to do. And now you've had the idea, I suspect you won't be able to put it out of your mind until you do it. Otherwise it will always sit there as an unfinished possibility.

FWIW, I have up framed photos of long dead ancestors that I have no way of identifying now my parents and grandparents are dead. But when I came across the photos in their effects, it seemed so wrong to discard them. I like to think of keeping that thread, even though I'm not really sure what it represents. (I may well be keeping photos of complete strangers, of course!)

Can you do a CrowdFunder to help pay for it? It would only take 20 people who knew her to chip in a tenner and that's half the cost. Get yourself in the local paper and I'm sure you could raise the rest. Good luck.

I would do that, yes. I have framed photos of my great-grandparents at home. They all died before I was born yet I still feel a connection to them. They were my grandparents' parents, and I loved all of my grandparents so for that reason I'd do it. But as someone else says, I also wouldn't think it wrong not to do it. Do it if you want to, but don't feel obliged.

I'm not sure i would tbh. But then my dad died in 2019 and the three of us still haven't got around to a memorial stone.

I used to like spending time in graveyards - loved them as a child - but since my dh died I hate them. All those enormous stones and the amount of effort and obligation that goes into them. The weight of grief in the space. The judgement I've had from dh's family for doing it wrong. I'd leave her in peace.

I would definitely put something like @sallladfiingerss has suggested.
My great aunt has a similar one on her grave (which she shares with my great grandad). She died in the 40s and has a different surname to my family, and her urn has helped me trace how she was related to us, as no living member knew who the hell she was, or why she was in our 'family' grave 😅

No, I wouldn’t. I’m religious and this world is ephemeral, no need for markers of our presence when we’ve been gone for decades already. Better to give that money to the starving children of the world, I bet your great grandma would prefer that.

Just to be clear, I absolutely wouldn't crowd fund and I don't need to. I can afford it. I don't have this money just lying about as loose change and next year would be a preferable time for me

But .. I can pay for it myself! That isn't my issue really

@Perple yes. That's it. Gestures matter don't they?

@HollowTalk more that I'd have to have a very quiet month or two ! I could still feed the family

But it's a chunk of money that feels almost frivolous . But is it as frivolous as the money I spend on lipsticks etc? Probably not

From a psychoanalytical perspective it’s likely you want to have the stone inscribed because you fear for your own mortality, and the worry that future generations won’t remember you. Once you have died you will be gone and no trace left behind. This is what is triggered in you to want to spend the £ in her memory. You would be better off spending the £ on creating happy memories for your current family - there’s evidence to suggest that memories can be passed down through DNA. This can be your legacy.

@SunshinePie possibly? My own mum died 3 years ago and we were very close and I miss her every day. This was her grandma .

I would but I wouldn't judge anyone who decided not to

I’d do it. It would grieve me that she vanished while there was a record of her husband. I believe in honouring the dead. I never met my great grandmas but when I visit relatives in the north I always take flowers to their graves. I wouldn’t be here without them.

I get where you are coming from and it would trouble me as well.

If you can find the cash at some point (there's no hurry I guess) then it would be a lovely gesture though I wouldn't be able to tell you to whom.

Otherwise would any way of commemorating her life work? Like a plaque on a bench or planting a tree? In our local museum you can pay for them to put up a simple art work on their wall with your words of choice. They are from £20-£100 I think.

@filka yes that's true enough about cremation. My mum is currently on my windowsill!

I think if I do it, it would have to be on the actual headstone though - because that's where she is

I'm tempted by a flower pot etc etc but I know it could be removed at any time and I can't visit more than once or twice a year

By the sounds of things I think you would regret not doing it. Start saving up a little bit at a time, you could be surprised at how soon you have the money.

@Blossomtoes that's a lovely gesture. And something I could consider .. having flowers placed on the grave for her. It would be cheaper 😀