Would you pay £400 to add an inscription to a headstone for someone you never knew?

[OwlButter]

I'll explain!

My great grandma died in 1972, I was only a baby and have no memory of her.

She was buried with my great grandad who had died a couple of years previously. However due to some sort of family fall out, her name / years of life/ any inscription was never added to the head stone. So all his details are on there but nothing for her.

As if she didn't exist.

I've recently found all of this out when I made a visit back to my birthplace and w wandered round the graveyard - I live 250 miles away.

So I've made enquiries with the local council and stone masons and yes, I can do it. Just need to fill in some paperwork etc but that bit is straightforward

The cost however is something else. It'll cost me £400+ , if not more.

So .. would you do this? I can't work out why it feels important to me. I didn't know her. But she lived, she mattered and now it's like she didn't exist. And for some reason that matters to me.

On the other hand, I didn't know her. Her own children are now dead (my grandad etc) and no one else in my family (her grandchildren who are now 70 odd) care about this.

What would you do? Money is a consideration for me of course but I could potentially consider doing it next year - it's not like I have this cash just lying about though

My parents lie in the same grave, in a country graveyard where my mother's parents also share a grave. My mother told me that her grandparents were also laid to rest there, but no one could afford a headstone. Her mother used to know where they were buried, but my mother couldn't remember and I never knew. That feels sad to me, so I think my advice to you would be do it; if you can afford to, record that you, her granddaughter, caused the inscription to be added.

I would do it.
I can't really articulate why but it just feels right.
I'd like to think my great grandchildren would do the same for me in similar circumstances.

This is complicated for me. In my family, we don’t have a tradition of marked burials and I feel really strongly that I don’t want any permanent gravestone or bench or anything for myself after I’m gone, but the idea that his name is on the stone but not hers would probably bother me enough to pay out the money to get her name added.

We don’t have headstones in our culture. We do not believe in graves. Your ashes are scattered and that’s it. But I do 100% get where you’re coming from. Maybe the Grandchildren could contribute?

I realise that's not quite answering your question. I think I wouldn't have thought to even start the process you've done, but hearing how important it is to you, then why not make sure she is properly remembered?

@KylieCharlene i can't articulate why either! Wish I could.

Would I want to lie in my grave though with no acknowledgement of me on the headstone? No I wouldn't

If it feels important to you and you can afford it, why not? She’s a part of your family history and some people feel that really strongly. It doesn’t need explanation if it feels right.

the idea that his name is on the stone but not hers would probably bother me enough to pay out the money to get her name added.

Yes, I think this would tip me over too. There is something sad about an unmarked grave, but being in a marked grave but unrecognised by the marker just seems so much worse.

I would aim to do it in the next few years, and save up, if the money is tight.

Yes. I would. It’s a lovely thing to do and shows that she mattered.

I would, it feels important to me. I know not everyone has a grave, and there are loads of logical reasons why not. But it somehow feels a way of acknowledging her and her life. It is a weird one though. I would do what feels right- it seems like an emotional decision to make rather than a logical one, and usually I think it should be the other way round!

I wouldn't. I can understand why you want to but I do think it's just a waste of money. Maybe put a death notice in the paper - more likely to be read and a permanent online archived record.

@MsMcGonagall I don't know why I thought about it either! I strolled round and spotted it and then I wanted to know where she was and it went from there

No one else will contribute I'm afraid. It's irrelevant to them and they do not have the money anyway

So this would be me alone doing this

The process takes at least 20 weeks so it's not a quick fix

Yes I would, I actually want to do something similar but waiting for certain older relatives to die because I know there will be trouble if I dared stepping on certain toes, mainly uncle who is official “owner” of the plot and my M who refused to have a my DFs name put anywhere until she dies then she wants a joint plaque. I have absolutely no intentions of paying any kind of respect to her but do want to with my DF. The plot in question is for my DGF & DU that both died before I was born, it actually needs a new headstone anyway. My DF requested some of his ashes be buried there but my M refused to do this. Another DU died when I was younger but we never knew his ashes were not collected or any kind of place for his name to be remembered so I want to add my DF & DUs names to the headstone. I can do it without my uncle’s permission but it would just cause too much hassle so I will do it when he’s gone. The expense is a lot, I have been putting a few pounds here and there away in dedicated money box for when the time comes.

I would definitely do something to ensure she is "recorded" so to speak. I think I'd also want people to know that she had been forgotten/erased but hell if I know how that would be done!

There are plenty of people who visit old cemeteries, I don't think it would only be you who would read her inscription. There's a lovely cemetery near me which was designed for Victorian people to walk in. If I go there, I try to read all the gravestones I pass, especially the less flamboyant ones, so that those people are still remembered in some tiny way.

Oh, I had an idea about the erasing thing. It might not work, but in the cemetery I mentioned they have a Friends of x cemetery and have histories of some graves. If the one where your relative is buried has similar, maybe they would record her story. If you would want it recorded obviously.

Could you get a memorial flower holder, I’ve seen them on lots of gravesites. I think the sentiment is lovely OP but I’m absolutely certain, if you had met, she wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer any financial difficulties just for this.

I would. I think it matters and it would be wonderful to acknowledge. She is a part of you.
However, only if I had the money.

The thing is, she is irrelevant now. She has been dead for nearly 50 years. There are only about 4 people who recall her and I'm not one of them.

And that's sad 😞 Eventually we all become irrelevant I suppose

Yes if i could afford it.

No I’d spend it on a Dyson airwrap but it’s your money!

If it means something to you, and you think it would mean something to her, then that's a good enough reason to do it.

But, I doubt she'd want you in any sort of financial difficulty for it. So I wouldn't until I could comfortably afford to do so. Even if that meant I left a sum and an instruction in my will for it.

How lovely of you. If I could afford it, I would. It pulls on my heartstrings that someone with an entire family is not acknowledged on their own grave.

I want to be buried with my name on the headstone! I would be sad if my dgm wasn't acknowledged as having lived..
Do it op.

What does the money mean to you? I think if it just means that you save a little less one month, then I would do it. If it means you can't feed your starving children, then I wouldn't! I would really want to though.

One of my previous partners didn't get a headstone because of a dissagreement between his parents and his on/off partner. His on/off partner had ended their relationship before he died and they weren't on speaking terms. The argument was about the inscription and who was paying.

The bitter and spiteful actions of one person meant no headstone. To my mind, finally getting a headstone would make me feel he was remembered. I really dislike the unmarked grave.

What about something like this?
Surely they can't ban and dispose ofpersonal memorial items on a grave?