To want DH to not leave DD and I for 3 days when I've got a rotten bout of Covid

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

I've come down with Covid - a really nasty bout of it, I feel like death warmed up and can only just about get myself to the loo.

DH and I (along with a couple of friends who are helping out) were supposed to be doing something with our small business at a music festival this Friday evening - it's a really good opportunity for the business and there's no question he and they should still go ahead (DH is negative and well), but he is still planning on going this (Thursday) lunchtime to leisurely set up our tent (the one we were sleeping in, the tent we're doing the activity in is already set up), spending the evening and day at the festival and then staying after Friday's event until Sunday with the others. Essentially he's attending the festival from Thursday lunchtime to Sunday evening with about 3 hours of work to do on the Friday.

If it was just me at home I would be very much in favour of him being out of the house - other than getting me painkillers and Lemsip there's not much he can do for me. But 14 yr old DD will need ferrying around and looking after to an extent (she has ADHD so needs corralling into getting stuff done, organising herself etc.).

AIBU to expect him to just go on the day of the event and come home afterwards, or even the next day? The other 2 can stay as long as they want, they're not dependent on his presence.

I just feel like I wouldn't dream of leaving him for 3 days with DD if he was feeling as rotten as I am.

Hope you make a speedy recovery, OP. And when you do feel better, maybe it's time to have a proper chat with your husband about some of the issues you've spoken about here.

It sounds more like a DH problem.

He seems completely unwilling to alter his plans in any way to make things a little better for you without sulking.

He still has the chance of testing positive so what are his plans if does between now and the event?

Having ADHD myself, I understand about off one incidents that can turn bad.
I got home and and several hours later someone was knocking at my door. Turns out I had left my car running and the doors open as I had completely forgotten. Another time set fire to my kitchen. So yeah, I get it.

I think things should be Ok with you both there together if he does go.
Put a little reminder in your phone to check on her. Order takeaway.

YANBU.
My dds are older now but no way would I have left them at home for a few days with a parent to ill to get out of bed. Not because I don’t think they would be able to care for themselves, but because I would not want them to feel responsible for their other parent.
(And I would want to make sure my DH was cared for in this situation rather than having to put themselves last and do the caring.)

Are you not allowed to be lucid but still people absolutely horrendous and not up to supervising another person?

Does ADHD effect every person the same way and so all assurance and care should be at the same level?

I fee so enlightened now! Thanks!

Your DH is being an arse

Your child has two parents, one who is ill and one who wants a jolly. Unless there is some drip feed that hes not actually her dad he needs to step up and be a parent.

People are asking what the op would do if she were a single parent. What would the DH do if he were a singe parent? Because he wasn't even willing to pick her up from school or take her to the relatives when that was an option.

Clearly you don't really want to know what anyone thinks unless they agree with you. Insist that he stay home and forget about it.

I think he should phone you on Sat morning and plan to come home unless you say he can stay a bit longer as you feel much better.

With regards to gas issues, have you considered getting an air fryer? I have additional needs and live independantly. I use the air fryer frequently as it's basically a small oven that shuts down when the timer runs out, so no chance of burning food or leaving gas on.

Long term your daughter will have to spend days without supervision. She's 14 so it's a good time to search for solutions to her being able to live on her own safely. If she's having issues now then I'm afraid she's not going to magically resolve all the issues overnight when she turns 18 without working towards it (potentially working on it for a long period of time depending on severity of issues).

Stuff like keeping the house clean isn't as important, but she's reaching the age where you should be able to leave her alone without her killing herself or burning the house down, even if you come back to a mess. (Tactics like her remembering to bathe or use public transport can wait until you're able to feel like you don't need an adult there to hover to keep her alive).

People need to fuck off telling the op what her child does or does not need, that's beyond the pale.

I think your husband is the issue in this situation.

Id be seriously considering my relationship with my husband in this scenario. If you are genuinely too sick to care for your child, and her additional needs leave her vulnerable to harming herself and you, why on earth would your husband want to go off camping all weekend?

Either he is acting very selfish with no thought or care for your daughter (which would spell the end to me) or he would disagree on your description of her capabilities. Failing that, does he think you’d putting it on?

Yabu, if you really don't feel well enough to drive her to her activity or to see her relatives I would have thought the obvious thing would be for your DD to miss her activity and seeing her relatives rather than your DH missing a festival he will already have driven far to attend. He may as well stay and enjoy himself. She can see her grandparents and do gymnastics or whatever it is next week.

Theres a certain sector on here who have NO idea what it is like to live with additional needs or with someone who has additional needs.

It is apparently fun for them to label those of us who do as being 'hard work' rather than be supportive or offer constructive advice!

Hopefully your DH will realise that three and a half day is excessive given you're ill and DD requires so much supervision.

Couldn't he go friday morning and come back saturday mid morning? So its only one night and one and a half daytimes, he gets some social time, does the job he's there to do, and doesn't have to rush back super early, but is still NOT out for three and a half days.

I have been looking at air fryers @ToCaden - didn't think of them as a solution to the gas safety issue though. It's a good idea. Just need to find space in the kitchen for it!

Yes, we've got a long road ahead of us getting her prepared for independent living, she was only diagnosed (after being repeatedly ignored or let down from the age of about 4) this January, so our ADHD journey is only really at the beginning.

Just to let you know that I'm leaving this thread now. I've explained my reasons for doing so in an earlier post. Thank you so much to those who have sympathised with my situation (or empathised in the case of those who have ND kids, particularly with ADHD, I recognise my DD in much you've described). I feel utterly crap - and the last thing I need is to be coming back to this thread to read how dramatic, pathetic and unfair I'm being (I paraphrase). Plus it's getting exhausting re-addressing those questions that I've already answered to those who can't be bothered to even scroll through my posts.

I will be speaking to DH about this properly when I feel better (I've asked him to make arrangements so he can come home early if I need him to, which he has now agreed to). Believe it or not he does have redeeming features.

I got covid about 3 weeks ago and I’m still incredibly poorly, I couldn’t look after us all (I couldn’t even stand) so had to have help with my 11 yo and sent the younger ones to their dads (he gave us the covid). He’s NT but not at all responsible, so I’d say YANBU. The 3 days is far too long, he should just go for the one event.

I’m sorry you are feeling awfully unwell with covid OP. I don’t have children yet (ttc at the moment) but I was very unwell the first time I got it and I can imagine how hard it would of been to look after a child at the same time. Let alone a child with additional needs.

You asked for opinions so everyone is entitled to theirs but I do think some are a bit harsh. I genuinely think your husband is the one in the wrong, I do think he should go for the business opportunity but only for that part. It’s not like you’re saying he can’t go at all. Or compromise on 1 day and night rather than all 3 days.

Get well soon xx

Are you always so rude to people who are trying to be helpful and offer solutions?

The OP asks everyone is she's being unreasonable and then gets upset when we apparantly give her the wrong answer. Why didn't she tell us the answer she wanted or better still, just not bother asking.

Here we go with 'how do you think single parents cope'....she's not so that's completely irrelevant.

Since the gas appears to be the big issue I'd do an Iceland shop and have ping dinners for the duration.

I loathe idiotic responses like this. OP has a DH who should be wanting to help her while she's unwell! He should be changing plans to help his wife!

Op AIBU is shitty a lot of the time but you've had some crackers.

I'm 3 weeks post covid and STILL tired and have days the brain fog and aches make it hard for me to do a lot. My DH and teen DC have stepped up and done a lot to make the house run better while I'm resting. That's how things should be. They wouldn't bugger off and leave me to try to cope. Your DH is BU and selfish.

Oh and the line about not getting to leave the site - absolute crap unless it's a G7 summit or something with tightest security.

I have ADHD, it is treatable and manageable. You wouldn’t know I have it anymore. If you feel your daughter is a constant safety risk after being diagnosed 7 odd months ago, then you need to look at whether what you’re doing for her medically is actually working.

I know OP has left the thread but I’m going to comment anyway as I have two DC who are autistic/ADHD and I’m autistic/ADHD myself.

Children who are neurodiverse do require more parenting - but those needs can vary wildly. My DS was diagnosed when he was 4, required special school and at age 12 he still wears nappies. His twin sister flew under the radar until she was 10, although I’d had my suspicions for years. And just for good measure, I wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood.

Saying a 14yr old has ADHD doesn’t mean a lot without more context. The fact she was diagnosed so late and is able to make her own food suggests she requires less support than others. At a guess I’d say that although she will need more cues and support than a typical 14 yr old it’s perhaps not quite as all-encompassing as the OP is implying.

The OP’s DD may well need cues to shower and brush her teeth. It won’t kill her if they get skipped for a couple of days. Takeaways or micro meals sort the food. Obviously not ideal long term but again, a couple of days are fine. If the OP can post on here so robustly, she can easily text her DD reminders.

It may be that the OP’s DD has needs which are more substantial but without a description, we have no idea. You can’t just say a 14 ye old has ADHD and expect everyone to accept that she needs a lot of care because it’s a spectrum condition - like autism - where difficulties range wildly. Neither of my two would be remotely capable of making their own food yet - I couldn’t manage my DS while ill but I could manage DD using solutions suggested above.

Having said all of that, I think it’s pretty fucking awful for the DH to piss off and leave OP and their DD for quite as long. It’s three hours of work on Friday - going from Thurs evening to Sunday afternoon is really uncaring. Even if DD is fairly self sufficient (as the OP’s description suggests) it’s still a pain in the arse having to be vigilant when you just want to flake out. It wouldn’t kill him to go Friday morning and come back on the Saturday.

Me and the missis got COVID at the same time. We were rough, could barely walk. Honestly, I'd have worried like mad if I'd left her alone, never mind with a kid. I dunno if you're being unreasonable, can't decide! But honestly, you have the right to feel a bit fragile when sick, and it's a bit sad he even wants to leave you beyond what's essential really.

I am to people who try to lecture others on what best for their children, especially if those children have additional needs. I make no apologies for it either.

RTFT