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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to not leave DD and I for 3 days when I've got a rotten bout of Covid

183 replies

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 09:45

I've come down with Covid - a really nasty bout of it, I feel like death warmed up and can only just about get myself to the loo.

DH and I (along with a couple of friends who are helping out) were supposed to be doing something with our small business at a music festival this Friday evening - it's a really good opportunity for the business and there's no question he and they should still go ahead (DH is negative and well), but he is still planning on going this (Thursday) lunchtime to leisurely set up our tent (the one we were sleeping in, the tent we're doing the activity in is already set up), spending the evening and day at the festival and then staying after Friday's event until Sunday with the others. Essentially he's attending the festival from Thursday lunchtime to Sunday evening with about 3 hours of work to do on the Friday.

If it was just me at home I would be very much in favour of him being out of the house - other than getting me painkillers and Lemsip there's not much he can do for me. But 14 yr old DD will need ferrying around and looking after to an extent (she has ADHD so needs corralling into getting stuff done, organising herself etc.).

AIBU to expect him to just go on the day of the event and come home afterwards, or even the next day? The other 2 can stay as long as they want, they're not dependent on his presence.

I just feel like I wouldn't dream of leaving him for 3 days with DD if he was feeling as rotten as I am.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 21/07/2022 10:54

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 10:10

Just to add some context. We've had a couple of incidents at home with her leaving the gas hob on (both lit and unlit) recently when making herself food - so she does need more supervision than your average 14 yr old.

My 38 year old DP with no additional needs did that a couple of weeks ago. Luckily I popped home to get my card before work and found it but we had both left for the day.
Anyone can make those mistakes. I have ADHD, dysbraxia and dyslexia, at 14 I was babysitting on my own in other people's houses.
If your worried about her cooking get take aways for a few days. Let her have extra screen time and let her miss a couple of activities but yeah YABU

Broadswordcalling · 21/07/2022 10:55

OP - I don't know why you're getting such a rough time on this thread. Covid is vicious. I agree your DH should be at home and just do the hours needed - you need to be able to rest without being concerned about your DD the entire time.

I hope it works out for you and I hope you feel better soon 💐

KosherDill · 21/07/2022 10:55

Hbh17 · 21/07/2022 10:30

As a capable adult, am I the only person who would feel embarrassed to ask this of a partner? You feel a bit groggy, but that won't stop you supervising your child. Just let your husband get on with what he has to do - you'll probably feel much better in a day or two anyway.

Agree with this; seems much ado about nothing.

ExpectingaRainbow · 21/07/2022 10:58

"She was supposed to be visiting relatives this weekend but that won't happen now as I can't take her, she was supposed to go after school tomorrow so DH wouldn't be able to take her as it clashes with the event we're running and her relatives won't collect her."

If you were supposed to be attending the event with your DH, and that clashes with when your DD was supposed to getting to the relatives, how was she originally supposed to be getting there?

Also, it seems like you've come on asking if you're BU and when people are telling you that you are, you're disagreeing. Why ask if you don't want peoples opinions?

RobertaFirmino · 21/07/2022 11:00

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 10:19

Nope, that's not what I wrote. He isn't going off for 3 days to do something good for the business. He's going for 3 hours.

Show quote history

Ok, this is confusing. Even the thread title says he's going for three days. Why are you now saying three hours? Or are you trying to be sarcastic or something?

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:01

I don't just "feel a bit groggy"! What in any of my posts suggested that I did? I feel like absolute shit and can hardly leave my bed! I made that very clear from the outset.

I think I've come to the conclusion that unless you've got an understanding of a) the needs of a child with ADHD at the level and exhibiting the same or similar behaviour that DD does and the supervision she needs and b) how ill I really feel, you're just not going to get it and it was probably stupid of me to post on here.

We'll aware of how brutal AIBU can be - the fever must have clouded my judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:02

@RobertaFirmino

Direct quote from my OP:

"Essentially he's attending the festival from Thursday lunchtime to Sunday evening with about 3 hours of work to do on the Friday."

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 21/07/2022 11:03

It would be take aways delivered to DD and make sure your DH leaves lots of bits for you both. I think it will be fine for you and ur DD. Seems a shame to miss it for him and I know when I am not well I like to not be pestered. Tell ur DH if you get worse to keep his phone on him in case.
hope ur feeling better soon

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:03

ExpectingaRainbow · 21/07/2022 10:58

"She was supposed to be visiting relatives this weekend but that won't happen now as I can't take her, she was supposed to go after school tomorrow so DH wouldn't be able to take her as it clashes with the event we're running and her relatives won't collect her."

If you were supposed to be attending the event with your DH, and that clashes with when your DD was supposed to getting to the relatives, how was she originally supposed to be getting there?

Also, it seems like you've come on asking if you're BU and when people are telling you that you are, you're disagreeing. Why ask if you don't want peoples opinions?

Me. I was supposed to be taking her!

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:05

(and the joining DH for the event)

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:06

*then

OP posts:
HouseInTheHills · 21/07/2022 11:06

Can she miss school (last day?) and go to your relatives house earlier than planned with husband dropping her on Thursday after school.

If not, I’d just lounge on the sofa and be around if your daughter needs you. You said she needs looking after to an extent, not 24/7 supervision. It’s manageable so I see no reason for your husband to stay home.

Seeline · 21/07/2022 11:07

OP you still haven't said what your DHs response has been to your specific objections?

Surely he knows what your DD is capable of? Why does he think it will be ok?

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:10

HouseInTheHills · 21/07/2022 11:06

Can she miss school (last day?) and go to your relatives house earlier than planned with husband dropping her on Thursday after school.

If not, I’d just lounge on the sofa and be around if your daughter needs you. You said she needs looking after to an extent, not 24/7 supervision. It’s manageable so I see no reason for your husband to stay home.

Possibly - but DH is insisting on leaving at about 1.30, I don't even know how I'm going to get her from school (it's a drive away)!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 21/07/2022 11:13

I have 3 adhd children, one.same age as yours. Their dad isn't around much so we have rules. None of mine are allowed any from of hot cooking unless adult is in the kitchen as they dont have the focus.

Get dh to stock up on stuff for sandwiches, microwave meals and pot noodles. Mine have only stuff that doesnt need cooking for 2 meals then I supervise hot meal prep aka pot noodle.

Arenanewbie · 21/07/2022 11:19

YANBU.
I’ve got teen with additional needs, so completely understand. In a way it’s worse then when she was 6 y.o. and I could sit her with a colouring book or in front of TV for watching Peppa Pig.
Of course your DH should go only for business part, the situation’s changed so he has to do what’s necessary not what he wants. It’s a part and parcel of family life. You might need to go to the hospital or something from the pharmacy or so on. He should behave as a responsible adult.

HouseInTheHills · 21/07/2022 11:22

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:10

Possibly - but DH is insisting on leaving at about 1.30, I don't even know how I'm going to get her from school (it's a drive away)!

Show quote history

I’d insist he picks up your daughter from school today, drop her at relatives, then he can go off and have his weekend, giving you peace to recover. He will be at the festival today, just a bit later. Presuming your daughter will be ok missing the last day of school, this is the best way of everyone getting almost what was planned anyway.

JuneJuly · 21/07/2022 11:22

I have covid atm & feel quite unwell with it too, so I completely sympathise with you OP.

In your situation, I would also expect DH to only attend the part of the event that is strictly necessary for the good of the business...and to want to rush home asap after that to help his ill wife.

Anything else, that would only be for his own pleasure, he would have to forget about whilst I was feeling so ill. Surely he would struggle to enjoy his time away knowing you would be struggling at home whilst poorly, no?

fluffiphlox · 21/07/2022 11:22

You’re sounding rather melodramatic.

Sirzy · 21/07/2022 11:24

The obvious solution would be to keep her off school and then her dad drop her off in the morning. I assume it’s last day of term?

if that won’t work send him to do a shop today of what you will need, make sure it’s simple things she can prepare herself and set yourself up on the sofa for a few days so you can supervise without too much effort.

Goldengoosey · 21/07/2022 11:24

Hi I’m sorry you feel so shit but I’m not sure why you are saying to others they don’t understand your daughter’s needs. It seems to me that it is your husband who doesn’t understand his daughters needs or that he disagrees with you on this.

He obviously thinks she will be OK at home while you are laid up. For me the obvious solution would be get your husband to do the work thing and then pop back and deliver your daughter to the relatives as planned. He can then go back and enjoy the festival weekend and you get some peace to recover.

Before he leaves he needs to ensure you have everything you need. For me when I had covid all I wanted was sleep painkillers cold juice and on day 3 I managed some cereal and soup.

Hope you feel better soon x

SizzlingInTheBakingHeat · 21/07/2022 11:27

I thought it was going to say 14 month old, what exactly does a 14 year old need you to do? Even with ASD I assume she manages at school all day without you and to dress and wash herself? So you might have to stick something in the oven for her to eat, not that taxing really is it even if you are really ill? I think you should let your husband go, you have a teen not a toddler.

StoppinBy · 21/07/2022 11:27

I have just gotten out of lockdown from Covid, I have a 5 year old and a 9 year old, both who have ADHD and who were also at home with me.

I think you are being ridiculous. Your daughter will survive without her activities this weekend. Stick her in front of her phone/tv/computer/whatever you want to substitute and be done with it.

Simple meals, takeaway etc, do as little as possible and you will be fine...... then you will be in credit for your own weekend away too.

JuneJuly · 21/07/2022 11:28

fluffiphlox · 21/07/2022 11:22

You’re sounding rather melodramatic.

No, she's sounding ill & desperate. While she's unwell her husband should be telling her to rest up & then taking care of arrangements.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/07/2022 11:29

Goldengoosey · 21/07/2022 11:24

Hi I’m sorry you feel so shit but I’m not sure why you are saying to others they don’t understand your daughter’s needs. It seems to me that it is your husband who doesn’t understand his daughters needs or that he disagrees with you on this.

He obviously thinks she will be OK at home while you are laid up. For me the obvious solution would be get your husband to do the work thing and then pop back and deliver your daughter to the relatives as planned. He can then go back and enjoy the festival weekend and you get some peace to recover.

Before he leaves he needs to ensure you have everything you need. For me when I had covid all I wanted was sleep painkillers cold juice and on day 3 I managed some cereal and soup.

Hope you feel better soon x

Thanks - it's really knocked me for 6.

I suggested that but he said you can't get back in to the site if you leave - which I think is a bit odd as surely crew can come and go ... but apparently not.

OP posts:
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