To want DH to not leave DD and I for 3 days when I've got a rotten bout of Covid

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

I've come down with Covid - a really nasty bout of it, I feel like death warmed up and can only just about get myself to the loo.

DH and I (along with a couple of friends who are helping out) were supposed to be doing something with our small business at a music festival this Friday evening - it's a really good opportunity for the business and there's no question he and they should still go ahead (DH is negative and well), but he is still planning on going this (Thursday) lunchtime to leisurely set up our tent (the one we were sleeping in, the tent we're doing the activity in is already set up), spending the evening and day at the festival and then staying after Friday's event until Sunday with the others. Essentially he's attending the festival from Thursday lunchtime to Sunday evening with about 3 hours of work to do on the Friday.

If it was just me at home I would be very much in favour of him being out of the house - other than getting me painkillers and Lemsip there's not much he can do for me. But 14 yr old DD will need ferrying around and looking after to an extent (she has ADHD so needs corralling into getting stuff done, organising herself etc.).

AIBU to expect him to just go on the day of the event and come home afterwards, or even the next day? The other 2 can stay as long as they want, they're not dependent on his presence.

I just feel like I wouldn't dream of leaving him for 3 days with DD if he was feeling as rotten as I am.

This has nothing to do with my plans being ruined. I honestly couldn't care less about not going. I've already responded to the whole "you're clearly not too ill if your capable of posting here" comments.

You are NOT being unreasonable! You are ill and need some help from your DH. He surely can modify his plans. I would suggest he doesn’t go until tomorrow and takes you DD to relatives tonight. Hope you feel better soon, COVID isn’t fun in my experience x

I've messaged them again to see if there's any way and am awaiting a reply.

Of course YANBU. Never mind the neurodiverse teenager, he’s basically off to have a jolly time at a festival while his wife is at home and extremely unwell.

My DH had this brand of Covid last week. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend but cancelled so I could provide general nursing duties. He’d have had to have taken a break halfway even just walking downstairs to get a glass of water so of course I stayed at home.
(I also have a teenager with ASD/ADHD and there’s no way she could have been left to look after him on her own.)

I really hope he develops a bit of empathy, and you start feeling a lot better soon.

Fucking awful attitude & response.

Why should the husband go & enjoy himself while leaving OP ill & responsible for their child.

i think your dh so to speak is being selfish no need to stay 3 days so he can socilaise whenhis wife is ill

I don't understand some of these replies you are getting. You have a DD with additional needs, you feel like crap and can't get out of bed, yet your DH thinks it's ok to swan off for the weekend.

He should be dropping your DD to the relatives and then going on to the festival from there so why can't he do that. He sounds selfish to be honest, just wants to go at all costs and he isn't bothered about anything else because he won't be there to see it. Surely the point of a partnership is knowing you can rely on the other person when the chips are down. It is disappointing when you're looking forward to something and it gets scuppered but that's life. Selfish man.

Hugs OP, hope you feel better soon.

YANBU OP and getting a hard time. Of course there are times when you just have to get with things when you’re feeling horrendous. This isn’t one of those times! OP has a husband perfectly capable of coming up with a compromise. He either leaves a bit later and drops DD off with relatives, or he cuts his socialising short a bit, that’s up to him! He could stay over on the Fri night and still enjoy himself that evening then come home the next day, if you’re feeling better by then he can stay on. What’s the issue there? It’s what DH and I would do for each other if one of us was really ill.

You probably will feel quite a bit better by tomorrow OP as long as you take it very easy today

@Quitelikeit Are you actually thick?

I think you just need to tell your husband that he can spend the whole weekend there - but he needs to make one concession and take your daughter to the relative before he leaves. Surely that would be a reasonable compromise?

YABU, she’s a 14yr old with ADHD not toddler. Surely she can make cereal, sandwiches, microwave some soup etc or order takeout. It’s covid, you’ll be fine, just chill in bed and let her potter at home. Let him go and enjoy his plans, it’s not his fault you can’t go.

I really really hope so - some other friends have had it this week and they seem to be on the mend - although don't seem to have been hit with quite as bad a dose as me.

YANBU OP. Many of those replying here clearly have never had the type of Covid that leaves you like death warmed up and have no idea what neurodiverse teenagers are like.

I currently have Covid and a neurodiverse teenager and would say you are emphatically not BU to ask that your DH just goes for the work part of the festival and comes back asap. He would be massively unreasonable to do anything else. Just make sure he understands how unwell you feel: those who haven't had Covid think it is just a bad cold and assume that once the congestion is gone you will be fine. They don't realise how long it takes to be able to be self-sufficient again- nor the brain fog that comes with the fatigue. You are in no position to think for two of you, and especially not so if isolating properly.

Relative doesn't want her to go anymore as they don't want DD to potentially bring Covid into the household.

I’m sure you can ensure she doesn’t cook.

Taxi to activity

Hopefully you’ll feel better soon and it won’t be as bad as it seems just now

YANBU - your DH needs to go later and return earlier. Disappointing all round, I’m sure but thems the breaks. It isn’t your fault and your DH is an absolute arse to suggest leaving you to struggle while he swans off enjoying himself.

Why is it all on you to try and manage feeling ill whilst looking after your dd and all that may entail, when there is a perfectly capable other parent who can step up?

I would be honest and direct with DH and say that whilst you can not stop him from attending the festival for the three days, your expectation is that he step up and be a decent father and partner by providing the care and support needed at home.

Then leave him to make his choice, at least you will know for sure where family falls in his priorities.

He's begrudgingly agreed to go tomorrow morning instead of today and come back on Sunday morning, but laying on the guilt trip pretty thickly. I feel like shit.

But 14 yr old DD will need ferrying around and looking after to an extent (she has ADHD so needs corralling into getting stuff done, organising herself etc.)

None of these things are essential for 2 nights and one full day though are they?

I think people are being harsh here. If he was going to work for the full 4 days then I’d understand everyone’s point but OP has clearly pointed out the fact only 3 hours of the 4 days is work, the rest is him having fun at a festival! Since you’re so sick, I don’t think he should be fucking off to have a laugh with his friends personally. If your DD didn’t have SEN then maybe things would be different but she does so she needs help you can’t currently offer her. He should go do the important work then come home imo.

No covid is not vicious for the majority. Most adults manage to look after themselves when they are feeling a bit poorly, covid or most other things. Many adults don’t have another adult to nurse them through mild illness. A 14 year old with what is in the grand scheme of things milder additional needs should not require two adults to supervise just because one of them is under the weather. OP is getting a hard time because it seems like she just doesn’t want anyone else to enjoy themselves.

He does have form for prioritising his social activities over the needs of his family.

I'd guessed that bit after your first couple of posts. And then: And also minimising how ill people are (e.g. he thought I was just having a panic attack and wouldn't call an ambulance for me when I was having aforementioned pulmonary embolism - turns out I was circling the drain).

If he admitted - to himself or you - that you were really ill then he'd have to curtail his social life, wouldn't he? Much better to tell you it's just a panic attack so he can go off and do his own thing. Is he selfish in other ways too? My DP wouldn't have dreamed of going off for any longer than necessary in your circumstances.

Turn the gas off so she can't tit about with the hob. Tell a white lie and say theres a leak somewhere. Then give her instructions in how to make microwave meals or whatever

YANBU

You're ill, so he's default parent. It's up to him how he organises DD for the next few days, but it's his responsibility to sort out.