AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

Saying”protect my boys” regularly then behaving like that? I’m surprised there isn’t steam coming out of your ears…..

Get rid, you'll feel loads lighter. He sounds horrid. Single parenthood is better than living like this, been there so can say for sure it is

I think I might have finally snapped.

Today is his day to look after DC and I work from home. I just went to make a cup of tea and he said "baby needs changing"

I was like "why can't do you do it?"

He rolls his eyes "baby much prefers you doing it....as you know" (eye roll, looks weary at me)

I tell him its just as hard for me (our baby tries to get away, flips over etc as most babies do).

I said "I'm meant to be working"

And I refused to do it. He then just closed his eyes and put his head back on the sofa. He sat like for 5 or 10 mins. Eyes shut. Silent. While our 2 DS clamber about.

The hatred I felt for him. Our baby in a dirty nappy. His eyes shut. He just wanted to be left to watch Netflix alone. He's only off work because he wanted to go down to 4 days to spend time with the kids!!

I just feel done. Absolutely fucking done. Is he going to be able to say he's gone PT to be a hands on dad??? It makes me so mad. He's gone down to 4 days to work less and to pretend to himself he wants to spend time with them. He took them out this morning and now he thinks he deserves the rest of the day off. But it's not even the laziness. It's the way he shut his eyes and put his head back...and pretended I wasn't there.

Nasty man.

How did I get into this??

I can't stand him. At all. It's like somethings just gone in me.

(And yes I did the nappy so he won. But I don't care anymore. I just want to look after my DS)

Oh, op. Go to your parents with the kids this weekend and tell him he needs to be gone by the time you're back.

Work out the details with your parents over the weekend.

This isn't healthy, happy or right. No need to keep on keeping on. Take action. You'll feel better for it eventually, even if it seems painful right now.

and strength.

So glad you have found your anger.

I agree, go to your parents without him and tell your parents. That is the first step.

That hatred is the right emotion. A man who would play 'who blinks first' with a child's comfort is not worth an ounce of your love. I know he 'won' because you changed the nappy. But actually DC won because at least one parent cares about them.

Go to your parents, tell them, work out how to leave. He may argue he can share care. In reality will he actually want to? Considering it will mean him actually caring for them.

Get rid of him! And make sure have these lovely examples to hand when his family ask why.

Oh OP. I feel for you. Listen to that anger. It is telling you that the situation you are in is unsustainable.

Your partner sounds like an absolute asshole.

Your posts about him not reacting to your older DS pushing the baby chair and the also the fact that HE demanded that YOU change DS2 nappy is actually quite disturbing. He is abusive and is not a good father.

Go to your parents by yourself with your boys and ignore any passive aggression from him. I would also ignore any proclamations of keeping the family together from your DM.

I hate the expression USE KIND HANDS.
That means nothing to a 3yo. Just tell him what is expected of him and what not to do. And that there will be consequences for pushing.
The fact he PUSHED over the chair with his baby sibling in it? And the fact you even admit you'll take ds to the gp for his behaviour?is telling your that your approach isn't working.

Your reaction to your dh is a bit much tbh. If you feel he never does anything.. tha n tell him what you need from him and what your expect from him

The problem all around in your family is the lack of proper communication

Call your parents.
Tell them the truth.

Go for the weekend alone.

This man is nasty and abusive.
He went down to 4 days because he is lazy.
He won't even change a nappy.

Stop protecting him.

Start protecting yourself and your children.

Tell your parents the truth.
Ask for support.

You can do this.

Your reaction to your dh is a bit much tbh. If you feel he never does anything.. tha n tell him what you need from him and what your expect from him

You mean like when OP asked him to change a nappy and he refused, closed his eyes and waited for her to go away so he could watch Netflix? I'd love to see how far you'd get with this prince among men.

And why should he need asking to watch his baby in a high chair when he is the only adult in the room, for example? The men-apologists on here are unbelieveable.

With all due respect, the baby, hope the baby was ok, all the best and positivity op

After reading this, omg 😲😲😲, if the highest order. Why did he want kids, ?

Just adding to those saying you're doing the right thing OP. I was seething myself reading your last update!

Good men don't do this shit and there are lots of good men out there. Don't settle for this areshole. Good luck.

If I'd had any love still for him (doubtful, by this point), that would have been the end of it for me too.

Why did he have kids at all?

couldn’t agree more

Channel the hate into positive actions as others have suggested. He's just appalling, don't blame yourself for being with him, that's the past but please sort out your future.

I'm sorry, but he sounds AWFUL. He's sounding worse and worse with every post.

Your handling of the pool/shoes incident and the accident was faultless, by the way. Frightening and upsetting, yes, but these things do happen with little children and it absolutely wasn't your fault.

I don't even think your DH thinks it was actually your fault. I think he's a nasty, petty, point-scoring little twat who saw an opportunity to stick the boot in, because you've previously asked HIM not to foist his uncontrolled anger on your toddler. He's more concerned about his fragile ego than either of the children. What a massive thundercunt.

Reall, really angry for you

God that latest update is really upsetting to read.

Please this is not your fault as you had to tell your toddler off and he should and has to know he cannot do that. Your husband/partner sounds like a narcissistic dickhead am sorry to say and seems to take pleasure out of putting you down all the time. Find your anger and tell him to just fuck right off with his crap. Please stop crying as you are a great mother and seem to be doing it all. Does he not help you at all or just stands there putting you down. He sounds emotionally abusive and you do not need this when trying to look after two little ones. Tell him to piss off to his mum's for the weekend or you pack up and go stay with family or friends for a few days to clear your head as you will see how mean and nasty he is turning it all around on you. Big hugs and keep posting for support.

Op.this isn’t a man you can wait to change.in fact it will get worse.and he won’t shrivel it will be you that does that.he will continue to be emotionally numb to his actions.and it will be you and the kiddies it will be breaking down.
It will send you mad or overwhelmed.it will make you overcome and unable to see clearly or parent or be happy.
Please get your life back.your spring back.your joy back.and I think your little ones in the process too.

tell your parents.please share in real life.you need buffets and support in the real world.we are here every step but you need real touch holding and others to lean on.
they of purse wouldn’t want a struggle to be had if you were single.but it doesn’t need to be that way.ask them for help so that won’t happen.tell them you need to be free and happy.and you need to protect your kids.

don’t let doubts of being single sway you.being single has been great for soooo many.it take time,adaption and change.but does it feel worse than the life your currently living.no.it can be bloody great in comparison.
sounds like your feeling on your own already!
he sat back with eyes closed.how f dare he.

go away.journal,walk,scream,talk,be held and have fun.get lists and plans in place.don’t let him manipulate you out of this with his usual schpeel.
shock him when you stand up and don’t take this anymore.

I just read your update and he is beyond useless. He is probably telling all in work how he is such a hands on dad. Good you found your anger and I would go to your folks and talk to your dad, go for a walk with him and the children and he will listen and give you good advise. You can do this and you will come out stronger than you think but if you stay you will be a shell of yourself with no confidence. We have all asked ourselves how did we get into this but most people do not show their true selves at first so you are not alone.

Thank u to everyone being so supportive. I am not worried about being single. I can't wait. I'd happily be single for the rest of my life. I am going to try and get some therapy or something though because every man I'd had a relationship with has been lazy, manipulative, expect to be mothered and threatened suicide etc when I say I'm unhappy. I thought this one was different. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Anyway who cares. Just about the DC now.

Oh and @Marvellousmadness that is just absolute rubbish. I've spent the last 3 years trying to help him learn how to be a dad rather than expect me to mother him. I already have 2 sons, I've finally accepted I don't need a 3rd.

The problem all around in your family is the lack of proper communication

Yes, but not the OPs. In this instance you have one person trying to communicate with another person who is more interested in winning.

OP, behaviour you are describing sounds like traits of a Paasive-Aggressive Narcissist, others have experienced this too and understand that it takes two people to communicate and one person to make it impossible! Good to hear you are not afraid to leave, you'll enjoy the peace on the other side.