Page 7 | AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 21/07/2022 21:05

Book yourself into a spa. Leave him with the kids and see how he gets on.

Mumsnet bingo! Leave them with their lazy, inept father, and let him shout at them and fail to care for them properly while you enjoy a nice massage.

Original poster

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 21:34

PerseverancePays · 21/07/2022 20:48

He said he was right there and didn’t get up fast enough, why was that? He didn’t even leap from his chair in a futile attempt to save the baby like any normal parent would, he just sat there like he was watching a video of someone else’s life.
Don’t let him take them swimming is my advice.

This feels accurateThis is the most extreme example but there are other times when either of ours DS is about to fall and dh doesn't move. Which is weird as DH is really anxious and always going on about child safety...like when he leaves for work he says "protect my boys" as he leaves and he will texts me randomly in the day to ask if I've locked the doors. But when something is actually going wrong in front of him..he moves so slow.

Hard to leave a man that you don't trust with the safety or wellbeing of DC.

But I've read enough MN threads to know I need to record examples of things go wrong?

Thank you to everyone for being so kind. It's weird to need strangers but I do feel alone

My parents don't like him. Well my DF bloody hates him. He doesn't say anything but I know he does. He can barely hide it. But my parents are bit backward thinking and would have worries about me as a single mum. I think my mum thinks putting up with most things is better than going it alone.

OP posts:

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 21:53

Well, it’s not very politically correct to say it, but if that was my 3 year old, he would have a very sore bum right now. A 3 year old is not a toddler and pushing over his brother’s highchair was disgraceful behaviour. You need to deal with it swiftly and worry less about how you will be judged for doing so on Mumsnet - where, let’s face it, children’s misbehaviour is always someone’s else’s fault or because of SEN or whatever.

Your husband sounds useless, but your 3 year old needs taking in hand and quick.

DashboardConfessional · 21/07/2022 22:25

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 21:53

Well, it’s not very politically correct to say it, but if that was my 3 year old, he would have a very sore bum right now. A 3 year old is not a toddler and pushing over his brother’s highchair was disgraceful behaviour. You need to deal with it swiftly and worry less about how you will be judged for doing so on Mumsnet - where, let’s face it, children’s misbehaviour is always someone’s else’s fault or because of SEN or whatever.

Your husband sounds useless, but your 3 year old needs taking in hand and quick.

I don't think I need to say this OP, but don't hit your 3 year old.

Anyone who hits their child deserves to be arrested. Call me "politically correct" not to think it's ok to beat a person a quarter of my size into submission, if you feel so inclined.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/07/2022 22:29

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 21:53

Well, it’s not very politically correct to say it, but if that was my 3 year old, he would have a very sore bum right now. A 3 year old is not a toddler and pushing over his brother’s highchair was disgraceful behaviour. You need to deal with it swiftly and worry less about how you will be judged for doing so on Mumsnet - where, let’s face it, children’s misbehaviour is always someone’s else’s fault or because of SEN or whatever.

Your husband sounds useless, but your 3 year old needs taking in hand and quick.

Don't advertise your shit, lazy and abusive parenting.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/07/2022 22:31

As a small aside, I haven't heard anyone boasting about not being "politically correct" for about 15 years. I suppose that's just yet another sign of someone who has no idea what's changed for a very long time, but hitting children isn't the action of an alert and agile mind.

Meraas · 21/07/2022 22:34

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 21:53

Well, it’s not very politically correct to say it, but if that was my 3 year old, he would have a very sore bum right now. A 3 year old is not a toddler and pushing over his brother’s highchair was disgraceful behaviour. You need to deal with it swiftly and worry less about how you will be judged for doing so on Mumsnet - where, let’s face it, children’s misbehaviour is always someone’s else’s fault or because of SEN or whatever.

Your husband sounds useless, but your 3 year old needs taking in hand and quick.

Very disturbing that you are advocating hitting a child, let alone hitting them and 'taking them in hand' until they have a 'very sore bum'.

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 22:57

Not nearly as disturbing as failing to address behaviour that could have caused the death of a baby. Dear God, I dread to think what the world will look like in another 20 years when your kids grow up.

wellhelloitsme · 21/07/2022 23:05

Funnily enough, grown adults not controlling their temper or self control to the extent they hit a three year old until / so hard that they have a "very sore bum" aren't the model for self control, not lashing out and not having tantrums @anonymousobserver

Original poster

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 23:05

@anonymousobserver how will it teach my son to not harm others by harming him myself?

At bedtime tonight I talked to him again at length about how important it is to look after his baby brother and how much i loved his hugs and kisses and, and if he felt angry to tell me and use his words etc

How would I be teaching him that if I walloped him? Surely that would have the opposite effect?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 23:07

@ReneBumsWombats 😂

OP posts:

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/07/2022 23:07

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 23:05

@anonymousobserver how will it teach my son to not harm others by harming him myself?

At bedtime tonight I talked to him again at length about how important it is to look after his baby brother and how much i loved his hugs and kisses and, and if he felt angry to tell me and use his words etc

How would I be teaching him that if I walloped him? Surely that would have the opposite effect?

You've done totally the right thing, wolloping a child isn't going to teach them anything 🙄

CaptainTroy · 21/07/2022 23:08

Abusers love to blame.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/07/2022 23:10

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 22:57

Not nearly as disturbing as failing to address behaviour that could have caused the death of a baby. Dear God, I dread to think what the world will look like in another 20 years when your kids grow up.

By the time you've hit your child, the accident has already happened and the kid was mortified. It's not preventative and it doesn't give the kid any motivation not to do it again, it just gives them motivation not to get caught. You haven't taught them why it's wrong, you've taught them that might is right and you can control more vulnerable people by smashing them about. Like a thug. The worst behaved, most violent kids are the ones whose caregivers use pain and violence as a method of communication.

The fact that you lot always give yourselves a moralistic pat (smack) on the back for it is just the icing on your shit sundae. Some people just need an excuse.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/07/2022 23:13

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 23:07

@ReneBumsWombats 😂

Ignore the thug parent, OP. I'm not even convinced that person is genuine, but there does remain a small, die hard core of them. It's not as if they're open to the prospect of evolution.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/07/2022 23:15

Oh, and one more thing, @anonymousobserver ...kids grow up and are likely to get taller and stronger than you. If you've successfully taught them that hitting is an acceptable method of communication and conflict resolution, watch out. They won't stay scared of you forever. Amazing how many hitters suddenly find alternatives when the kids can and will smack you right back.

wellhelloitsme · 21/07/2022 23:25

@anonymousobserver

DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry.

You'd smack this three year old on the bum until it was / so hard it was "very sore."

What a sensible way to show a child that lashing out is unacceptable. Oh wait...

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 01:43

Remember OP. Children grow up quickly. They get to an age when their very immediate safety is less on you and more on them. If you can't leave when they are tiny, you can plan to leave when they are a bit older.

Their emotional well-being will be damaged whether you are with their father or not. At least if you separate they will have one clam, safe home.

kateandme · 22/07/2022 04:40

Ahwell123 · 21/07/2022 23:05

@anonymousobserver how will it teach my son to not harm others by harming him myself?

At bedtime tonight I talked to him again at length about how important it is to look after his baby brother and how much i loved his hugs and kisses and, and if he felt angry to tell me and use his words etc

How would I be teaching him that if I walloped him? Surely that would have the opposite effect?

One thing also that might help.it did us was saying "I get really angry too sometimes.and it makes me unsure of what to do! I just go so blah! So shall we see what I do,or think of things you can do when you feel like that. We could even have a safe word."

kateandme · 22/07/2022 04:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 01:43

Remember OP. Children grow up quickly. They get to an age when their very immediate safety is less on you and more on them. If you can't leave when they are tiny, you can plan to leave when they are a bit older.

Their emotional well-being will be damaged whether you are with their father or not. At least if you separate they will have one clam, safe home.

So Important. Not leaving can be just as awful.the child never has a safe space.that's what can feel horrific.at least with mum separate you could always have a place to go.a place it was safe and calm

HungryandIknowit · 22/07/2022 05:17

Not really to the point (your husband doesn't sound great) but have you tried ignoring the tantrums? I mean literally not engaging with him (no eye contact etc.) until he calms down - you could offer a hug every now and again if it seems to be fizzling out but that's all. Lots of praise as soon as he calms down a bit. Obviously you'd physically protect the baby etc. but no talking or eye contact whilst he's tantrumming. I read somewhere that when a child has a tantrum talking to them makes it worse as it's sensory overload, and in many cases they're looking for attention (good or bad). You could stay in the same room doing your own thing (or pretending to). Think calm detachment. The tantrums would likely get worse before they got better but it's worth a try for a few weeks.

Nahimjustaworm · 22/07/2022 05:43

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 21:53

Well, it’s not very politically correct to say it, but if that was my 3 year old, he would have a very sore bum right now. A 3 year old is not a toddler and pushing over his brother’s highchair was disgraceful behaviour. You need to deal with it swiftly and worry less about how you will be judged for doing so on Mumsnet - where, let’s face it, children’s misbehaviour is always someone’s else’s fault or because of SEN or whatever.

Your husband sounds useless, but your 3 year old needs taking in hand and quick.

What a self-righteous load of bullsh£%t. OP I'm glad you've basically acknowleged that you won't be taking any of this on board...

StridTheKiller · 22/07/2022 06:25

I'd say there is a correlation between your DH's drippy parenting and your DS awful behaviour.

NFLBingo · 22/07/2022 07:22

anonymousobserver · 21/07/2022 22:57

Not nearly as disturbing as failing to address behaviour that could have caused the death of a baby. Dear God, I dread to think what the world will look like in another 20 years when your kids grow up.

Yeah because it’s brilliant now with all those people like you who will smack their child to instil fear so they ‘don’t do it again’ when all it will do is create emotional trauma and make them more likely to lie and less likely to come to their caregiver with important issues. Don’t bother coming back with ‘I turned out fine’ as no, you did not, you absolute dick.

CrapBucket · 22/07/2022 08:28

@Ahwell123 - it sounds like you have made your decision (which I completely agree with). I totally understand the fear. But honestly it is worth it. He will be awful and it will be messy- you can't control that. But you are doing the right thing and it will be a much happier life for you and your boys.

There is a divorce/separation board on here which I have found really helpful, I recommend you spend some time on there. And I agree with telling your parents and some reliable friends. I expect they will be delighted deep down even if they worry about you getting through the tough process.

Good luck- you've got this. All of mumsnet is behind you too!