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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 20/07/2022 11:49

YANBU, and she has a nerve bringing up that you are having a go at him. She is lucky you haven't exploded at her already for her ineffectual parenting. She is allowing him to throw things at you and your baby and not giving any consequences. I don't blame you for leaving, it sounds horrendous.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2022 11:51

YANBU at all, in all of those examples she should 100% have been physically intervening. I don't know how you tolerated her having the cheek to tell YOU off. I would ditch this person.

rubyslippers · 20/07/2022 11:52

What you’re describing is not on
the throwing is dangerous and sounds like mum is in denial about the behaviour and it’s potential consequences
Toddlers can be very hard work and of course they throw tantrums - they need a lot of attention and stimulation and supervision!

2bazookas · 20/07/2022 11:52

This isn't new. You knew the kid and mother before; why on earth did you go on holiday with them!

girlmom21 · 20/07/2022 11:53

She's lucky you've been kind!

SoftSheen · 20/07/2022 11:53

YANBU at all. 3 year olds do push boundaries but it is the parents' job to teach them how to behave appropriately, and definitely to intervene if their behaviour is likely to hurt another child, especially a baby. Make sure your friend knows why you are going home early.

ChaosMoon · 20/07/2022 11:54

I can't speak for every 3 year old but there's no way my 3 year old would behave like that. Not because she's perfect but because I wouldn't let her.

You can't tell a 3 year old to stop - they don't have the impulse control. You have to get off your backside and take their hands and day "I will not let you do that". Then remove them from the situation. And you do it every bloody time until they get the message.

(And by "you" I obviously mean the parent.)

CoffeeLover90 · 20/07/2022 11:54

I have a 3 year old. He still has tantrums. Weirdly enough he's started throwing things this last week or so, although he went through a phase of doing that a year prior. Absolutely no way on this earth I would sit there allowing this while a baby or small child was nearby. I take him away from the situation and his tantrums are no where near this violent. You're doing the right thing telling him to stop as this should make his mother realise what he's doing isn't acceptable. Yes, there may be underlying issues (my DS waiting for assessments) but there's no excuse putting another child at risk of harm. I've found distraction quite good, if the mum doesn't instead of saying 'no stop' say 'Paul look at this toy car, can you see how fast it goes' although personally I'd be limiting visits as much as possible.

Greensleeves · 20/07/2022 11:54

I'd have been considerably less kind about it than you, I think. It's not the 3yo's fault, it's hers. She's responsible for him. It's tough when you have a toddler who needs constant, hands-on, firm guidance, but them's the breaks. She needs to get her arse in gear, or she won't have any friends - and neither will her little boy, which is a shame.

goingpearshaped · 20/07/2022 11:55

Wow, that is not you, your friend is spineless and should step in. I would leave too.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/07/2022 11:55

She is a pathetic and useless parent and if you had not been there in the room your tiny baby could have been seriously injured.
I'd dump her as a friend and never have any more to do with her.

Ontomatopea · 20/07/2022 11:56

She needs to intervene. Her kid could cause serious injury. Do not allow your child to be around him.

YesItIsI · 20/07/2022 11:57

The behaviour from the kid is normal but the mum should be putting a stop to it effectively. It's also normal for a 3 year old to learn a more appropriate behaviour!

Mischance · 20/07/2022 11:58

We once went on holiday with friends - with whom we had holidayed many times - and on the last occasion their child's behaviour was so appalling that we never went with them again. She was dreadfully spoiled and it was hard for my children to understand why she had things bought for her on a whim, she had two ice creams to their one, as the parents were too frightened of her tantrums t say no. And on it went - bloody nightmare. Everyone was required to do what their child wanted, even to serving her the whole dish of vegetables at meal time and none for anyone else!!

You are not being at all unreasonable - how can you enjoy yourself when you are constantly having to protect your baby? Time to go home I think.

Badgirlgonegood · 20/07/2022 11:58

What the hell am I reading, are you going to move lodges or come home? No holiday is worth your baby being at risk.

This needs a zero tolerance approach. I would be absolutely fuming. We are talking about a tiny 3 month old baby here!!! You are responsible for that babies safety, no one else, you!!

Thesearmsofmine · 20/07/2022 12:00

YANBU, I kind of expected this thread to be about the toddler poking the baby or snatching their toy which would be normal and easily dealt with but this sounds much more extreme and while my kids aren’t perfect they never behaved like that. Mum (and dad if on the scene?) maybe could do with some support in her parenting, does the child go to nursery?

Badgirlriri · 20/07/2022 12:01

YANBU and I think you’re right to leave today to show her this behaviour is not acceptable.

Sockwomble · 20/07/2022 12:01

He needs constant close supervision around the baby and if that isn't enough ( or no one is doing it) they can't be in the same room together.
The behaviour does sound more extreme than normal ( although at 3 he won't understand how much he could hurt the baby and the intention is probably not to hurt and more likely to get reactions from the baby and adults) but how normal it is not really the issue here. The issue is that the baby isn't safe.

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 12:01

Well actually no. If you read my post, you'll see that I have stated that the throwing things is completely new behaviour. Yes, he has done sly little things before like put a blanket down hard on him and the odd dig/threat, however the throwing things and bouncy chair incident only happened on holiday. The behaviour has escalated while in the lodge to a point where I don't feel safe, or rather I don't feel that my baby is safe. The blanket, the odd dig, I can control that by keeping a keen eye on him. The throwing things, I can't control if he is doing it from afar.

OP posts:
Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 12:01

Well actually no. If you read my post, you'll see that I have stated that the throwing things is completely new behaviour. Yes, he has done sly little things before like put a blanket down hard on him and the odd dig/threat, however the throwing things and bouncy chair incident only happened on holiday. The behaviour has escalated while in the lodge to a point where I don't feel safe, or rather I don't feel that my baby is safe. The blanket, the odd dig, I can control that by keeping a keen eye on him. The throwing things, I can't control if he is doing it from afar.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 20/07/2022 12:01

I have brought up several children and none of them have behaved in such a deliberately violent manner. I now have grandchildren of similar ages and they have never displayed behaviour like this either. It's not normal behaviour for a 3 year old.
Never let this child anywhere near yoir baby again and I would be warning other parents as well.

Legomania · 20/07/2022 12:01

Badgirlgonegood · 20/07/2022 11:58

What the hell am I reading, are you going to move lodges or come home? No holiday is worth your baby being at risk.

This needs a zero tolerance approach. I would be absolutely fuming. We are talking about a tiny 3 month old baby here!!! You are responsible for that babies safety, no one else, you!!

RTFT
OP is packing as we speak

GreatStuff67 · 20/07/2022 12:01

YANBU at all. If I were you I'd stop being friends with her, and make it very clear it's because she doesn't care about your baby's safety. FFS, that's no friend. Good on you for leaving early.

Goldbar · 20/07/2022 12:02

YANBU. Ask her when she thinks it's ok to stop her child hurting yours. When her child has hit your baby on the head with something heavy and you're on the way to A&E?

Absolutely ridiculous. Yes, he's 3 and no doubt has issues with impulse control/listening. That means she should be stepping in and following through every single time. She sounds lazy.

LIZS · 20/07/2022 12:03

And where is Sarah's partner in all this, why does it fall on he4 to watch both children? Yanbu to want to keep your dc safe but he sounds like a fairly typical 3 year old as you are yet to discover. Going home seems extreme.