Friends child hurting my baby

[CbaThinkingOfAUsername]

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

Well this was depressing to read.

Spot on.

Boys are excused so much bad behaviour because - "well, he's a proper boy, isn't he"?

And girls just need to "be kind"

And so we teach our sons that might is right, and our daughters to be doormats..

Omg I had a friend with a child like this

He was always trying to hurt my baby or do sly naughty stuff exactly the sort of thing you describe. and she NEVER told him off or did so in a really pathetic, ineffectual manner

Unfortunately it ended up damaging our friendship, we're okay now the kids are teens but tbh I'll never forget it

And yet all of the little girls around here like to sit around and do drawing or make up dances while the boys whizz around hitting each other with light sabers.

Disapprove all you want but the gender stereotypes do fit for a hell of a lot of kids under 5!!

Disapprove all you want but the gender stereotypes do fit for a hell of a lot of kids under 5!!

Urgh🤦🏻‍♀️

Stereotypes do not fit for ALL & that is what's wrong with it!!. It also forces conformity for both genders, meaning DCs of both genders who don't fit that profile are left to feel they have to "fit in" rather than be accepted for their true selves.

That is outdated bollocks.
Wise up🤦🏻‍♀️

I know a number of little girls who will join right in with walloping the boys over the head with light sabers. I've also come across many boys who don't like this kind of play at all.

What I have noticed is that, in many cases, girls who like to play boisterously or roll around in the dirt are told off to a much greater extent than boys and there is an expectation that girls will be 'nice'. There was a little girl the other day who was playing with a bucket and spade and didn't want to share with another boy nearby. The mum immediately said to her 'Let him have a go, sweetheart. He wants to play too'. The little girl drew herself and said very clearly and loudly, 'It's my turn! You can't have them!' The mum was embarrassed, but I was thinking 'You go, girl!'

There is also some evidence that parents and caregivers are more responsive in the way they care for female babies - they talk to them more, and promote collaborative and interpersonal play over competitive play. Which makes it less surprising that girls demonstrate these skills and in some cases are better at self-regulation than boys of the same age.

It's not just about excusing boys' bad behaviour, although that is a part of it.

It is also that many of us parent boys right from the start in a different way to the way we parent girls. Girls tend to be parented in a more responsive way and parents spend more time encouraging verbal communication and emotional self-regulation, as well as collaborative rather than competitive play.

@SillySausage81 - I don't disagree with you there. I don't think it would be good for either a boy or a girl to be throwing stuff at a child or at anyone to be honest.

@aSofaNearYou - I'm sorry you found my earlier post depressing.

I don't think that any child should be allowed to throw toys or sticks or whatever at another child, I really don't. I don't think it should ever get to that level where a child is so frustrated that they behave like that or they hang off car door handles because they are being told "No" and they don't like that.

I just wanted to clarify that.

@CbaThinkingOfAUsername - I hope things are getting better for you now you're home.