Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/07/2022 06:10

I've had five very different 3yo DCs.

No judgement here. Same parenting doesn't work for all children.

A challenging child isn't something you just throw your hands up at all the same. You pay now or you pay later with children.

mycatisannoying · 22/07/2022 06:15

YANBU. I work in a primary school and we see the fallout from ineffectual parenting like this all the time. His mum is doing him no favours at all!
Poor you and poor baby. Hope you're both ok Flowers

LookItsMeAgain · 22/07/2022 07:57

I'm just wondering if any of the mums that were on this holiday have reached out to you and contacted you @CbaThinkingOfAUsername ?

I'm sorry that you had to cut your holiday short and I do hope you get something back (money wise) as you didn't get to enjoy the full holiday and you shouldn't have to subsidise every one else's holiday either!

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 22/07/2022 12:28

Was v busy yesterday, just read through all the replies.

Thank you to everyone who responded, it's all helped me see the situation for what it was. To answer a few of the questions, yes, the other mums have reached out and said that they were thinking of leaving also, the behaviour is that bad. Yes, she said she would refund me but i don't even want that to be honest. No, I didn't have a massive part in the kids life before baby, about the same as now.

To elaborate on me leaving...I didn't just leave, there was one last temper tantrum from her child and i went through her (the mum). Told her she was an ineffectual parent, pointed out quite a few occasions where her child had tried to hurt my baby, we basically had a blazing row. We did make up in the end and I do feel bad for upsetting her but I'm glad I got it all out and hopefully it will help her also and she'll properly address some of the behaviours. She is a good friend so I would be sad to lose her but I'm not compromising the safety of my baby.

OP posts:
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/07/2022 13:41

CbaThinkingOfAUsername
Yes, she said she would refund me but i don't even want that to be honest.

Take her money anyway; she absolutely ought to pay something for her child having destroyed your holiday. If his being a little horror (and potentially a dangerous one) makes her pay, it may also make her think.

And good for the other friends; if they too make it clear that her the child has become intolerable because of his behaviour, it might get through.

MeridianB · 22/07/2022 14:06

Thanks for the update, OP.

It sounds like the other mothers experienced similar to you, esp after you'd gone and the 3yo needed fresh targets.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/07/2022 14:33

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/07/2022 13:41

CbaThinkingOfAUsername
Yes, she said she would refund me but i don't even want that to be honest.

Take her money anyway; she absolutely ought to pay something for her child having destroyed your holiday. If his being a little horror (and potentially a dangerous one) makes her pay, it may also make her think.

And good for the other friends; if they too make it clear that her the child has become intolerable because of his behaviour, it might get through.

I agree - take the cash.

It might make her think a bit about what she lets that child get away with. This isn't just for "revenge" - that little by will be so disliked as he grows up. And as for when he grows up - someone once posted on here 'A boy who isn't told "No" becomes a man who doesn't hear "No" ' - and I think that's right.

He will develop a sense of personal entitlement and importance that may one day cause other people suffering.

Meraas · 22/07/2022 15:18

Take the cash. Let her feel the consequences.

She (and her dh) really are twats.

Franca123 · 22/07/2022 15:40

Hopefully you've left the mother with food for thought about the type of man she's raising.

billy1966 · 22/07/2022 17:05

I think you should accept the refund too.

Honestly OP, a lot of people would have left after the first episode.

I've heard of friends seriously fall out when one toddler was rough with another and the mother just said "ah now"🙄.

Most parents would not tolerate their children being hurt, but a new baby is frankly off the scale.

Accept the refund.

She's a disgrace allowing her child throw things at you and your baby.

Not normal behaviour.

You do not want that child near your home going forward.

Her not being arsed to parent her child, should not come ahead of your babys safety.

diddl · 22/07/2022 17:49

I'd also take the money & treat myself & baby.

But if you really don't want to-suggest she uses it for a parenting course.

Ontomatopea · 22/07/2022 18:43

Take the refund. She's ruined your trip.

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 22/07/2022 23:10

When she asked me what I would do, I said parent her. She said I do, I use star charts and talk to her at home about her behaviour. I do feel bad about how ballistic I went at her, basically telling her she is an innefectuap parent, but it was just excuse after excuse about why the little Prince was acting the way he was and no actual action to deal with it.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 22/07/2022 23:56

When she asked me what I would do, I said parent her. She said I do, I use star charts and talk to her at home about her behaviour.

I thought he child was a boy?

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 23/07/2022 05:22

surreygirl1987 · 22/07/2022 23:56

When she asked me what I would do, I said parent her. She said I do, I use star charts and talk to her at home about her behaviour.

I thought he child was a boy?

I tried to anonymise the scenario by changing a couple of details ie sex of child. Not that there is any point I realise now, as the situation is pretty identifying if it is read by her. The child is a girl.

Do you have anything constructive to add?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 23/07/2022 07:56

I think @surreygirl1987 girl's comment was a reasonable one.

We get a lot of trolls on here (and, no - I'm not saying that you are one), and discrepancies make us question the integrity of a post.

I can see why you would change details, but at the same time you must see what people would query it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/07/2022 07:57

Sorry for typos 😬

LookItsMeAgain · 23/07/2022 13:34

I don't know why but somehow it seems worse that a girl would be throwing toys and hanging off car door handles than a boy would. I know it's wrong to be thinking that way but it just seems worse to think that it was a girl behaving so off the chart. I apologise for this but that's my immediate reaction.

I too would take the money. I've been saying from my first post that you shouldn't be out of pocket for the ineffective parenting and by that ruining your holiday.

I do hope that this is a wake up call to the other parent.

Best of luck to you on this.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 23/07/2022 14:06

My now 7yo was a horror between ages 2-4 and was a thrower. However we did 1-2-3-Magic and always followed through. Anything very dangerous (e.g. throwing things at another child) would have immediate punishment. We regularly spent 45mins

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 23/07/2022 14:08

oops posted too soon... we regularly spent 45mins doing a 3min timeout because that's how long it took. That meant missing chatting with friends, eating dinner or whatever because it was more important that we followed through. Now at 7yo, he can still get frustrated and hit out but rarely and he just needs a little pointer. He also knows that poor behaviour is punished and whatever we say the punishment will be, happens. I would be mortified if he damaged others belongings or hurt a friend's child, and boy would our son know that he was in huge trouble.

surreygirl1987 · 23/07/2022 19:05

Do you have anything constructive to add?

I really don't think it was unreasonable to question the sudden gender change of the child in question!

surreygirl1987 · 23/07/2022 19:06

*I think @surreygirl1987 girl's comment was a reasonable one.

We get a lot of trolls on here (and, no - I'm not saying that you are one), and discrepancies make us question the integrity of a post.

I can see why you would change details, but at the same time you must see what people would query it.*

Yep

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 23/07/2022 19:12

surreygirl1987 · 23/07/2022 19:05

Do you have anything constructive to add?

I really don't think it was unreasonable to question the sudden gender change of the child in question!

I simply thought it was a typo!

Fromthebirdsnest · 23/07/2022 19:35

I would have been so cross , they need to parent there horrible child !

SillySausage81 · 23/07/2022 19:46

LookItsMeAgain · 23/07/2022 13:34

I don't know why but somehow it seems worse that a girl would be throwing toys and hanging off car door handles than a boy would. I know it's wrong to be thinking that way but it just seems worse to think that it was a girl behaving so off the chart. I apologise for this but that's my immediate reaction.

I too would take the money. I've been saying from my first post that you shouldn't be out of pocket for the ineffective parenting and by that ruining your holiday.

I do hope that this is a wake up call to the other parent.

Best of luck to you on this.

And that's probably one of the reasons men are statistically so much more violent than women (about 90% of violent crime committed by men) - because when little boys are violent and aggressive, too many people still shrug and think "that's just how boys are", whereas if a girl does it they are shocked and therefore motivated to nip it in the bud. Consequently, boys are more likely to grow up having been allowed to get away with violent and aggressive behaviour.

Swipe left for the next trending thread