Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

Just take a year out. Then start looking for a new job. Don't see it as a one way street, you're merely looking to take as much mat leave as most Europeans do. That's what I did, was easy to find a new job and I was happy to go back.

"Ah, the sahm mum bingo.

I just loved my kids to much. Only I would go the extra mile"

I'm not playing Bingo. You asked. I told you the truth. Sorry if you find that triggering. Would you like me to lie?

@shesoff

Not triggering.

Funny

@ShouldibeSAHM im in a similar position to you - baby boy is 6 months now but I also live abroad (France) and mat leave is very short here too- 16 weeks. I took a year off on top, unpaid parental leave. I felt it was no way possible for me to put baby into childcare at such a young age and for full time.. many do here but I knew it wasn’t for me. He is starting nursery in September, for 2 days a week. I’ll still be off work until at least April and to be honest I’m not sure I’ll go back the same as before because I dread the lifestyle of two stressy working parents. It’s a sad truth for me that I don’t feel I can be great at my job like before and be a great mum to my baby.. good luck whatever you decide to do! Xxx

I don't think you understand irony do you?😂
I'm not attacking you because you don't want to be a sahm, i couldn't care less whether other women to other children want to stay at home with them or not, it makes zero difference to my life and as long as people are happy with their lot in life that's all that matters to me, in case you didn't read my initial comment properly, I'm a working parent myself genius. I'm not attacking you at all, grow up.
I'm calling you out because you ARE in fact attacking women who do want to be a sahm, like seriously why do you care so much about the choices other women make of their own free will?

Which hard questions would you like me to answer?

Hm, this is really difficult OP.

I totally understand why you don’t want to go back at 12 weeks. Not to get into birth horror stories, but I wasn’t close to being physically recovered from birth at 12 weeks PP after my first. Plus exclusively breastfeeding to 6 months would have been incredibly difficult if I’d had to go back to work at 3 months.

Personally, if I were in your position I think I would take my mat leave, resign, take 12 months off then look to rejoin the workforce at that point. So a relatively short break that’s equivalent to U.K. maternity leave.

@Veebees26

How am I attacking?

I'm discussing the op as asked. I care asuch as you, you're responding too.

The hard question like why you're advising women but not men they can go back to careers at any time while claiming to be a feminist.

And why on earth I would be feel guilt about not being a sahm.

TopGub - I don't care what you value. I just for your life if me can't fathom how you could care so much about SAHMs. Can you really not see how you come across?

Actually it was yourself and Mary who provided the derail

Telling porkie pies to get people to engage, your speciality

I dont understand why you need strangers to value your role at all

Oh as you can see by my post. I am confident with my choices, i was just answering your question. In full. I couldn't care less what people think, i find it fascinating they care so much about my situation and my views on it, despite many others also explaining it a million times on a million different threads, but here we are again

I've a feeling I wouldn't want to be in your circle either way

But here you are trying to engage with me by @ing me first, ...me thinks she protests too much

I hope the bickering on this thread won’t derail it for the OP… I’d advise against debating much with @Topgub .. I’m sorry but I’ve seen you on other threads about SAHP choices and you are quite the antagonist.. It comes across as a bit odd that you have such strong opinions on SAHP to be honest..

@JanuaryKeepMe that is an interesting point and one I’ve never felt quite sure of.

I think anything acquired while we are together should be equal - especially if one parents reduces work due to children. But I don’t know if I feel entitled to wealth he earned before we met, should the worst happen. It’s a bit contentious on here though and I might feel differently if he fucked me over 😁

@sjxoxo

It comes across that others are so annoyed by fairly normal views

Mumsnet is about 70 years out of date

It's obvious there's a few posters here who are mighty pissed that lots of working mums raise happy, well adjusted, successful children - and have a good career too

Well you could 'become a SAHM' (which to me implies a decision not to work for several years and instead to focus full time on child rearing). Or just take a year's maternity leave - which implies a return to work after a year. Choose what works for you and your family. I did not consider myself a stay at home mum during my one year's maternity leave.

@tiggergoesbounce

Ummm.

No.

You responded to me first to tell me that sahm spend more time with their kids

@missdemeanors

The jealousy eh?

(And yes, that is sarcasm)

@Veebees26

There you go again with the PA cause you can't answer a question

🤣

@Twattergy i wouldn’t if I was at home and was officially on Mat leave but I’d get no Mat pay - whether I take 12 or 52 weeks and would have no job to go back to if I don’t return after 12.

plus I’d like to have a few weeks before the baby arrives which would reduce the 12 weeks.

If the OP had been a man and asked the same question I'd provide exactly the same advice, my advice wasn't gender specific.

Well, if you don't feel guilt you definitely feel something my friend. It's not normal to be so anti another womans personal choice.

I can’t speak for the US but I took 5 years out and got back to work without too much difficulty in a flexible role at a similar pay level.
I definitely think Mumsnet is quite hostile to SAHM but in my experience if you were a skilled, intelligent woman pre-kids, you’ll be a skilled, intelligent woman post career break. Do what feels right.

You responded to me first to tell me that sahm spend more time with their kids

Again i said @ing - wanted to make sure i saw you ??!!
Wanted to directly engage....with someone who, not only was, but still agrees with being a SAHM even if a man doesn't.. how very dare you

@Veebees26

Its not normal to take such offence at a different opinion.

Being an actual feminist it's quite normal to be anti choices which promote inequality.

Its not me frothing at the mouth getting all personal.

The op was be a sahm or not. Thats what's being discussed.

If you dont want to discuss that you dont have to. But don't try take out I'm weird for daring to go against the allowed opinions

@tiggergoesbounce

Whats wrong with @?

Yes, I was responding to you so @ you to make it clear it was you I was responding to

What a weird thing to be annoyed about

🤣