Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

See, that's why I said you should probably check the laws where you're residing. Because I know in the UK they will look at ALL your joint assets, and that includes everything you own, even things you acquired before marriage. For example people think prenups are valid here but actually they can be vetoed by a judge in the UK if they're deemed to be unfair, especially to the children; in many states in the USA that's not the case at all, the laws are very different.

Depending upon where you are you could walk away with half of everything, or absolutely nothing, not even your dignity! I think if you're choosing the roulette wheel of relying on someone else to financially provide for you then you need to understand what that could mean in every eventuality, not just the ones where you're together. Sadly that's a real possibility for many couples, which is where the danger lies in making what could be a decision with lifelong repercussions to your career and prospects.

What a weird thing to be annoyed about

Misses the point completely.
I am not annoyed, im amused.

Does being abroad complicate things in any way? If you broke up with your husband, what would you do if you were not working? Can you claim any sort of benefits? Subsidised healthcare etc? Even if it would be easy to get another job now, will it still be a year down the line?

I was a stay at home mum having just moved to a new area within the UK and it was quite a lonely experience at first. How settled are you in the US? Sometimes putting a child in nursery at a young age is better than a mum who is going out of her mind with loneliness.

@shesoff

Really?

Cause I don't think the role of sahm has value

Jeezo.

I think that comment says way more about you than it does me tbh.

No not just that Topgub.

@tiggergoesbounce

Yeah I dont know what point you're making

I also find it amusing how annoyed sahms get when their choice is criticised.

Its weird, but funny

@shesoff

Sure

🤣

@GeekyThings i said I didn’t know if I was comfortable being entitled to things he acquired before we met, not that I assumed I was.

we married in the UK and have no pre nup?

I’m sure most women feel this way but frankly you’d have to have married a total cunt if they would gladly fuck someone over for taking time off to birth and look after their own child. I know it happens though, I’m not stupid. I wasn’t on the property ladder and didn’t earn much before meeting him. If I left the marriage and relationship in the same position, I could hardly complain. I lived rent and mortgage free in his home for years, building my own savings so I have massively benefitted this far.

I personally wouldn’t be a SAHM because I value my financial independence (due to a number of situations I’ve seen) and I’m finding maternity leave boring. I will have taken 9 months of maternity leave but I was ready to go back at 5 months to be honest.

A lot of people here will tell you can’t possibly leave a baby before 12 weeks and you wouldn’t even want to. You may be different (and you’ll feel like shit because you’re not maternal enough to stay with the baby for a year or two and are actually looking forward to going back to work). Talk to childcare providers, work out your options for nannies and day care. Speak to parents in that area because local demand changes everywhere, so there’s no point asking in a general sense. Find out how much notice you’ll need to get the baby in childcare. If you aren’t ready to go back at 12 weeks then you can quit your job and go back at 6/12/18/24 months. If you feel you need to go back, that’s OK. You’ll know how much notice you’ll need to find childcare and you work that into your plans and how you’re feeling.

@DangerNoodles well I’m pregnant now, so it’s a bit late if it being abroad does complicate things 😆

We are quite settled - don’t have a ton of friends anyway, and the ones that do actually have young babies with SAHM.

@shesoff

And I should care about your opinion of how I come across because?

You clearly don't like my opinion and because you can't actually counter it you're resorting to personal insults and faux concern for my mental health?

Maybe think about how you're coming across?

Yes, it's a candidate's market at the moment and I've managed to get back into a good job after very long career break, I built back up through freelancing. Not saying that will be the case for everyone but it is doable. A year should be fine, or even longer if you decide. We had all our finances shared.

The pre nup was just an example of how laws differ depending upon where you are. Custody is another example, but one that may be more pertinent to you - it varies state to state how they judge who retains custody of the child; another factor to consider would be what if he decided to remain the USA and you split? Some states might not allow you to take your child back to UK if he sued for equal or full custody, meaning you'd be stuck there.

And I'm American, and I can tell you it's MUCH harder being poor in the USA than it is in the UK! That's why I asked if you'd considered returning to the UK rather than sticking it out there and either having to return to work too soon, or having to give it up entirely - neither choice is particularly great, it would be better if there was another option you'd be better off choosing.

I would be a SAHM for sure. 12 weeks is too young and I would’ve hated to leave them then.
move been a SAHM for 3 years and still not actually worried about the CV gap.
when I was 28 I took 2 years off to travel and didn’t work at all - no one cared at all and I got a job about 5 weeks after I was back (actually got offered more than one)

its wierd, but funny

I find something funny, now you do.

What do they say...immitation is the highest compliment, so thank you.

It's just a suggestion Topgub. I'm not bothered about your views on SAHMs or the Wombles. I hope you're ok in real life.

@tiggergoesbounce

Ummm

Yeah cause 2 people finding 2 things funny is immitation

🤔

Heck no would I be going back to work after 12 weeks! If I could be a SAHM while the kids are small I would be. I did the next best thing which was go very part time until recently.

@shesoff

You kind of seem bothered tbf. You keep replying to me.

You can shove your insincere concern though.

@GeekyThings i wouldn’t have a job in the UK so I’d become SAHM by default until I found something else. We have tenants in our house and I can’t face relocating and shipping etc with a new born.

DH would also need to find a new job if we left now.

How horrible to have to think of divorce and custody before the baby is even here! I really hope I’ve got a good one. I do think he’s a decent man but I guess everyone does before it goes wrong.

Yeah cause 2 people finding 2 things funny is immitation

Yes, when its a mirrored response. Its immitation, Why, thank you

@tiggergoesbounce

You're welcome?

You have no idea what will happen. No way would I be a SAHM in your circs. You're not on the deeds of the uk house and you rent in the us? Are you married? If things went tits up you would be fucked and see ding on visa / green card status what happens if you wanted to bring the kid back to the uk but he didn't want you to?

Apologies, missed the clear DH bit!