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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 18:31

DP has been with me close to 10 years - has seen it all - ups and downs - throughout this time.

If anything happens it's always immediately my fault.. it's a tricky one. It does make me wonder if I really am the issue here. I hate that I'm like my father, especially as I've been told only of his awful traits and characteristics

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 19/07/2022 18:32

You need to find out:
what your sister said to your family?
What you said to your sister that is so offensive?

Could it be your tone? Were you sarcastic ? Were you patronising?

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 19/07/2022 18:33

Asking somebody a question is controlling?

cstaff · 19/07/2022 18:35

I don't think you have done anything wrong op apart from look out for your sister. Whether you are right or wrong about him is actually irrelevant. What should be noted is you giving a fuck about her. Also the fact that she was over sensitive and went running to mummy makes me think that you were on the ball about the BF. I'm not sure I could apologise for being a good sister.

2pinkginsplease · 19/07/2022 18:36

Your family shouldn’t all be speaking to you how they are however this is one reason why I would never go on holiday with family. I don’t want to do what everyone does, I want to be able to decide what I want to do.

if all you said is what you’ve typed to tell us, it’s nothing to get upset about, you just sound concerned, however I don’t speak to a friend after I gave her my opinion that her boyfriend was controlling. She sided with him.

im surprised you would spend so much money going on holiday with people who speak to you like they do,I certainly would be distancing myself from them all.

ohblowmedown · 19/07/2022 18:37

She's only 21 and you've noticed red flags "over the years" but they've only been together 1.5 years? How old is he?

I think I'd have felt the same as you tbh, if he's been asking her to get out of the pool 4 or 5 times a day to go and hang out in an hotel room. Sounds weird.

AnnaMagnani · 19/07/2022 18:38

How do you know you are like your father?

You have never met him. He has had no influence on your upbringing at all.

Do you think it is more likely that you are a normal adult human being who has a mixture of positives and negatives, just like everybody?

However for reasons best known to your mother, somewhere in the past it was decided that anything you ever did that the family saw as bad was 'because of your father', not because you were a child/teen making normal mistakes or developing their own personality.

It's just become a stick to beat you with. As you have seen today, it's also a way the rest of the family can bond and feel better about themselves - they 'aren't like your father' even when the example is ridiculous.

I'm sorry, you sound well-meaning and caring and don't deserve any of this.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/07/2022 18:39

OP an earlier poster had it correct - you wrote about the question you asked your DSIS which, on the face of it, did seem controlling & overbearing BUT further posts explain your genuine concern for your DSis & your appalling family, who treat you really badly.

It's not silly you are upset - they are a disgrace. Your mother is awful to have made horrible comments comparing you to your father.

I think tomorrow you need to bluntly call them out on it & say that their behaviour is unacceptable. Then make the most of the holiday with DP.

IggyAce · 19/07/2022 18:40

Given your families reaction I’d definitely not be holidaying with them again. It’s not right that you are regularly scapegoated, I’d be looking at reducing contact or at least putting strong boundaries in place.

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 18:42

"asking a question"

"shouldn't apologise for being a good sister"

Let's not be too gaslighty to the younger sister here. It's perfectly possible for the OP to be in the wrong in this instance for the whole family to still be awful.

They're not mutually exclusive things.

Sweatingmytiitsoff · 19/07/2022 18:45

Family holidays often lead to arguments. When it's nice it's nice. But I think it does get a bit much multiple partners living together for a week or more vecause the days are long.

Make this the last family holiday together OP.

ThreeLittleDots · 19/07/2022 18:45

They all sound like idiots OP. I'd try and enjoy the remainder of the holiday without them and go low contact.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Yesthatsit · 19/07/2022 18:46

You poor thing, your family sound like utter nutters. No normal human being texts another you are evil like your father. That’s about bullying and control, they seem to get off on making you the scapegoat. They need the drama.
Your mother quite frankly sounds deranged and unhinged.

I wouldn’t entertain it tbh. I’d stay well away with my husband, don’t apologise don’t respond. Then when home reassess what you get out of the relationships. No matter what you do you will not win. Everything will be twisted so you are at fault. Sorry but I feel angry for you. Perhaps a bit too close to home. Tell you what, I have a fab life now and I am free.

RealBecca · 19/07/2022 18:47

Yabu. He most likely wanted a bit of time away from loads of people with the one person he wants to hang out with most. And even of that isnt the case, the holiday is not the time and place to raise it. At all. What did you think would happen? She would confide on you there and then? And then what? Dump him on holiday. Ridiculous. And I suspect her version is closer to the truth. And dont text her, apologise. Not "I'm sorry but..." you say you're sorry you overstepped, you just hear so much in the news these days and it's really affected you you're being hyper vigilant and would she be comfortable if you apologised to him and take everyone out for a drink and move past it.

Regardless of whether you might be right.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/07/2022 18:50

Even if it did come out wrong and sound like you were judging how your sister spent her holiday...crying about it, relatives texting you telling you how horrible you are...its all completely over the top

Notodaynotever · 19/07/2022 18:52

There's a big difference between asking if someone is ok (acceptable) and 'explaining' they should be making the most of their holiday (judgemental and patronizing). You've acknowledged the explaining part initially and then diminished this by passing it off as a kind question. I would personally hate this and find it pretty obnoxious, whatever your intentions. You have no idea of the best way for her to enjoy a holiday.

It was also really poor judgement to start asking questions re possible coerced while on a holiday with him present. She's hardly safe to talk about it with him at her elbow constantly. It seems an odd thing to conflate with her not holidaying in the way you'd like. You picked the wrong time and have disingenuously made this about something it's not. The fact that you did this, and the fancy footwork you've done on this thread, makes me shudder at the thought of being on holiday with someone acting like this.

Obviously the family are out of order but you don't know what they might know about why she's in her room sometimes.

FrippEnos · 19/07/2022 18:52

caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:55

Of course we have had small bickers as teens and growing up, but have an otherwise lovely relationship!

At what point where you able to 'bicker as teens'?

When she was 11 you were 20.

Figgygal · 19/07/2022 18:53

They all sound like nasty twats op do you need them in your life?

FrippEnos · 19/07/2022 18:53

At what point where you able to 'bicker as teens'?
When she was 11 you were 20.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 19/07/2022 18:58

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2022 16:18

Her reaction tells me what's you've said has struck a nerve.

Yep.
Leave it for now. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready. If you push it, she’ll clam up and it will be the perfect excuse for him to isolate her from you.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 18:58

FrippEnos · 19/07/2022 18:53

At what point where you able to 'bicker as teens'?
When she was 11 you were 20.

I've got another sister and a brother. I'm the eldest, followed by sister 1 - then the sister that I've argued with - and brother is youngest

OP posts:
Hemax1 · 19/07/2022 18:59

I haven’t read all replies - just your explanation of what’s happened.

I think you’ve hit a nerve with her and her over reaction to the question is to stop you probing further into the relationship with her dp. Does seem like there’s something potentially off with it - but she may need to
learn that herself.

it also seems your wider family dynamics are off. Has no one asked you for your version of events ? Other behaviours also may require calling out, including any reference to your father in a derogatory way when speaking about your character.

unname · 19/07/2022 19:00

@caraanna Please try to go and enjoy your holiday with your DP, away from your family.

They are toxic. It is not you. Your sister is probably in a controlling/abusive relationship. If you've seen him scream in her face once, it's very likely he's done it dozens of times. She cried to your family to get attention and create drama, and to distract from the situation with her DP. Healthy families don't ostracize someone for the kind of comment you made. Healthy families don't tell someone they are like the parent that abandoned them.

Just do what you can to salvage the remaining time and enjoy it - away from all of them.

DoElephantsHaveWrinkles · 19/07/2022 19:00

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I don't think you have anything to apologise for.

Is she your half-sister? And your mum still with her Dad?

I think you're as close to your family as you think you are, TBH. I don't that to be mean, but it's obvious that you're treated differently and the comment about being like your father was really below the belt.

You should look up the golden child and the scapegoat, I'll let you work out which one you are.

Confusion101 · 19/07/2022 19:00

YABU in that I would also want time away from the family on a holiday situation like that, and defo if it was with the inlaws. Someone telling u u "should be making the most of your holiday" would really bug me! You might not be telling her exactly what she should and shouldn't be doing but insinuating somebody isn't enjoying themselves can come across as quite bitchy!

However your family seem to have overreacted. I'm not sure what good it'll do ignoring the situation until tomorrow. I'd try speak to sis face to face tonight without the rest of the fam.