Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 19/07/2022 17:44

One an only imagine your not enjoying your holiday. Who goes away and then writes essays on Mumsnet? Full of all crying, shouting drama. Who does this?

howtomoveforwards · 19/07/2022 17:44

I think you need to apologise, OP, and make it clear that you now recognise that what makes a good holiday for you isn't necessarily the same for them. If he's abusive - and I think I would be thinking that based on what you've said, you really don't want to give him reason to isolate your sister from your family either now or in the future. You may well have just opened a can of worms, so do what you can to close it. Your sister will know that you are there for her if she needs you.

Pyri · 19/07/2022 17:47

exLtEveDallas · 19/07/2022 17:36

@Pyri OP has pointed out in front of the whole family that sister is spending her time in her room and is she enjoying it
No she didn’t. OP stated that sister was fine, walked out of restaurant with her and then ran over to family when she saw them going past.

Yeah I see that now, but the rest of my point still stands. If someone has form for making little digs then asking an innocent question in any context doesn’t feel very innocent and might have upset the sister more than OP realises. Even if this time it was genuine.

Truthlikeness · 19/07/2022 17:48

I don't think you were wrong at all. You've seen them together, I wouldn't discount your instincts on this. Her reaction tells you everything - totally over the top because she knows more is going on and she isn't ready to admit it. I don't think you can do much more than be there for her.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:48

midsomermurderess · 19/07/2022 17:44

One an only imagine your not enjoying your holiday. Who goes away and then writes essays on Mumsnet? Full of all crying, shouting drama. Who does this?

This wasn't my intention. I said what I felt important and relevant to the situation in my original post, that was it and nothing more.

I just wanted to know if I was the one being unreasonable here - that's all.

OP posts:
PopThatKettleOn · 19/07/2022 17:49

When time is right I think you should look your mother in the eyes and tell her to NEVER compare you to your father again. That is an awful thing to do and she is well aware of it. Stand up for yourself.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:49

I can also hand on heart say I'm not the type to dig at her, make comments, upset her. This is the first time since very small that we've had a row to this extent.

OP posts:
hesttreat · 19/07/2022 17:51

caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:49

I can also hand on heart say I'm not the type to dig at her, make comments, upset her. This is the first time since very small that we've had a row to this extent.

"To this extent" ........ so you've had other rows?

kimfox · 19/07/2022 17:51

If your dad left when you were five is she a half sibling? I just think it sounds like there is more to this family dynamic than meets the eye.

exLtEveDallas · 19/07/2022 17:52

@caraanna What has she said to the family OP. What are they berating you for?

PopThatKettleOn · 19/07/2022 17:52

midsomermurderess · 19/07/2022 17:44

One an only imagine your not enjoying your holiday. Who goes away and then writes essays on Mumsnet? Full of all crying, shouting drama. Who does this?

Op can vent as much as she wants on a forum, what’s it got to do with you? Stupid and mean thing to write. Perhaps you’re the crybaby sister..

Rinatinabina · 19/07/2022 17:53

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2022 16:18

Her reaction tells me what's you've said has struck a nerve.

Agree

Crazykatie · 19/07/2022 17:53

This is not uncommon, families going on holiday together can be a flash point as can Christmas, we all have different ways that we enjoy ourselves. Any comment, however well meaning or innocent can be taken the wrong way, after a couple of “strained” holidays l now have a rule, no more than 2 or 3 nights with friends or family. A friend of mine criticized her sisters husband after having too much to drink, they havn’t spoken since, in fact sister emigrated to New Zealand.

All you can do is apologize as best you can then carry on and enjoy your holiday

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:55

Of course we have had small bickers as teens and growing up, but have an otherwise lovely relationship!

OP posts:
mam0918 · 19/07/2022 17:55

Sounds to me like he doesnt feel comfortable or welcome around you and she is happily choosing the man she chose to love over you.

You dont own her time, people can have great holidays without doing exactly what you are doing or making a big show - kind of sounds like you the one with controlling expectations of how others must behave.

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 17:56

The problem is, you've explained your side which all sounds reasonable but...

What you're saying you've essentially done is take her to the side and tell her how she should be holidaying. Saying "we should all be making the most of the holiday" is an emotive statement, because it's full of implication. Implication that they are not acting in a way you approve of, and you feel within your rights to voice that. You said you were just asking if she was okay, but it doesn't sound like that's all you were saying at all. And that's just from your own side of the story!

So from her perspective, you're the one saying perhaps her DP is literally abusive (which if he's not [and if he is] could make her feel defensive and confronted), when in fact you are the one being kind of controlling.

You've said yourself - you and your DP like to go outside from morning til night. You must know that not everyone will share that interest. There are literally so many reasons why they may want to not spend every moment with you, doing the things you like. The main one being one being she simply wants to spend some of her family holiday alone as a couple?

I'm actually starting to feel like this is a reverse because while it all seems okay on the surface you've actually acted very far from reasonably and I'm surprised you can't see that.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:56

Other family members texts are along the lines of:

'You're evil like your father'
'This holiday isn't good enough for you and your luxury lifestyle'

(this is so far from the truth it hurts!)

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 19/07/2022 17:57

I think there's a possibility you may have come across as a bit bossy/interfering, but you would know your tone better than anyone else and sounds like if she'd just said "Yes I'm great, not everyone is like you wanting to be out all the time, me and X enjoy chilling in the room to spend some time together too" the conversation would have ended.

But even if you were, that is completely overwhelmed by a) your sister's completely overdramatic reaction, which I agree with the posters saying suggests there is something wrong somewhere (with her resilience if nothing else) and b) by your family's ridiculous reaction and pandering to her. Being a bit bossy is no reason to have your entire family shun you and send you aggressive messages! Surely any normal family's reaction to a grown woman crying because her sister asked her if she was enjoying her holiday would be "get a grip!" or at the VERY most "well I'm sure x didn't mean it like that, don't spend time worrying about it."

I think your sister and her bf have the right idea and if I were you would be following their lead, avoiding your family for the rest of the holiday and not booking another one together. They all sound horrible and a bunch of drama queens.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:58

I can assure you this isn't a reverse!
I am taking aboard all comments - thank you

As I said I will apologise this evening

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 19/07/2022 17:59

I think you hold your head up high and grey rock everyone's comments. I also don't think you have anything too apologise for. Your sister has chosen to share and in a way that has caused the polarisation - lots of drama which many seem to be enjoying / encouraging / participating. You cannot win as whatever you do will be wrong.

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 18:00

*I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members*

I think this part of your own post should have told you that YABU. "Merely asked why she's in the room so much" Hmm

ChinnyTroubles · 19/07/2022 18:01

I agree with @AbbieLexie

Your family sound batshit and very cruel to you

pimlicoanna · 19/07/2022 18:01

My first thought would be that he doesn't really like you that much and doesn't want to spend the whole day together. Which is fair enough. I'd hate to spend the whole day with my partners family. It wouldn't be a holiday for me at all.

forrestgreen · 19/07/2022 18:02

I'd send her a text tbh, as she's probably in her room...

'Ds I'm so sorry about upsetting you earlier, I genuinely just wanted to check you were both ok and enjoying yourselves'

Maybe on a group chat so your other (horrid) relatives can see you're trying to put it right.

I actually think you're right but on holiday wasn't the right time to do it.

OldFan · 19/07/2022 18:04

I don't think you said anything particularly wrong @caraanna . x