Argument with my sister on holiday..

[caraanna]

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

Sorry, I cross posted.

It sounds like you realise you are the one in the wrong. Your family's comments are obviously super dysfunctional too. Maybe some ground rules in future could be established - everyone should be able to "do their own thing" on a family holiday. Being beholden to someone else's schedules is not many people's idea of a relaxing holiday so it's good to just be aware of other people's interests and preferences

We had a family holiday and I have small DC so honestly yes the best part was being in a lovely minimalist cabin with a huge bath, and huge shaded enclosed balcony for the kids to play on. I would have been very irked if people expected me to leave that all day to go on walks in the sweltering heat, or sun bathe!

Thank you all. We've just walked by the whole family and had nothing but glares, so we've gone out for the evening.

I will text DSIS later x

That’s awful @caraanna and I’m really sorry that your family is being so horrible to you.

i really don’t think you should apologise to anyone. I think you should fuck them all off and enjoy the rest of your holiday without them.

I also think your sister has told lies about what you said for them to be reacting like that towards you (I mean, FFS, even if you did “order your sister to holiday more like you” - which you didn’t, how the fuck would that be considered “evil”?). For that alone I wouldnt be apologising to anyone.

@caraanna - 'evil' , bloody hell! I suggest distancing yourself from any of them who're like that.

I have an older sister who likes to say things because she "thinks it is important to say X". It's always controlling and self righteous stuff, wanting me to do things her way because she still wants to boss me around. I have to hide from her as well as I can't deal with her bossiness and "well meaning" advice all the time.
I can totally imagine taking breaks from my family on holiday just like your sister and having to hide in the room. And my husband does the same around my family - pulls me aside and say he needs me for something so that I have an excuse to escape from my overbearing elder siblings. We literally do it all the time to get away.
Why are elder sisters so bossy and entirely lacking in empathy even when your are so much older? I guess it's because you revert to the same dynamics as earlier around your birth family, and younger siblings have to bear the brunt of it (which they are so sick of as an adult!)

Take care CaraAnna.
I understand your concerns for your younger sister, I have had the same type of worries about mine for the last few years. Sister is 8yrs younger than me, her partner is about 15 years older than her. He’s a classic controlling narcissist it’s ‘his way or the highway’!
We tried hard to like him, we really did, but over the years more and more red flags appeared until we realised he was trying to control us as well.
Eventually because we couldn’t show him the deference he felt he deserved, he told her he “would have to find someone whose family could”.
They’re still together but basically he made her choose and as a result, sadly, I am now extremely LC with my sister.

OP, none of us are perfect and we can all say things in ways which are not ideal. I don't know how you came across. So, for me, the bottom line is this:

You sound well meaning.
Your sister sounds fragile.
Your other family members don't sound well meaning towards you.

On one hand you claim your family don’t treat you in a nasty way, on the other hand you say they are sending you such texts. Very contradictory.

this reaction from your sister and family members does not align in any way with what you claim you said so it’s hard to tell what’s what.

Best apologize to her and let know you’re always there for her and let it be, she can make her own decisions and if she needs help she can reach out. Unfortunately you can help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

At the point the rest of the family are saying 'You are evil like your father' it honestly doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong earlier.

You aren't your father.

Your super-dysfunctional family are determined to see any action you take as somehow genetically horrible for some reason rooted in the past, that you are blissfully unaware of.

If your mum is unable to support the needs of all her children, and yes older daughters need support just as younger ones, then she is a pretty crappy parent.

I am sure your DP is sick of the lot of them, they aren't worth your time or concern.

I don't know why you would spend any time with people who call you evil and try and hurt you by saying such cruel things....never mind go and holiday with people like that.

Yes, they're your family but it is no excuse and in no way acceptable to treat you like that.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and you are clearly concerned about your sister.

I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I think you were right and your sister didn’t like it. And your family sound nasty.

OP, whatever the rights or wrongs of what you said, your family are completely overreacting and being extremely cruel and there is no need for that at all.

All you did was ask your sister why she was in her room so much after he put a stop to every family activity that she was doing. It does seem clear what he is up to.

I have had more than one friend with a controlling partner and they all hated them spending time with friends and family. I can see where you are coming from.

How much longer do you have to spend time with them?

They sound like royal twats.
Don’t apologise! get the first plane back and sack the lot of them off until they can learn to behave.

I will let them cool down tonight and see how I feel later on. Currently just feeling pretty crappy and really overwhelmed with how quickly family can turn. It's clear she's said a story to them that probably isn't the truth whatsoever ☹️

Seems very far fetched if you know what I mean

Her response would have me worried if she were my sister. For the sake of it I'd say/text an apology to her. If my mother kicked off again I'd just walk away from her.

I have no idea why you bother going on holiday with your family and especially your mother. They sound horrible. Wouldn't you be having a way nicer time with just your partner?

OP, from what you've written here, you're fine and your family are arseholes.

Your whole family sound vile. I’d be avoiding them for the remainder of the holiday and then be going very low contact once I got back home.

Your family sounds dysfunctional and it seems to me that you are the only one looking out for your little sister. I wouldn't apologise for anything at all. I think what you said hit a nerve actually. It strikes me that you said that it's him always trying to drag her away, not an equal amount of each one of them making excuses to leave.

I just really didn't expect it to go this way whatsoever. It's the first in MANY years together and we were all really looking forward to it. Though apparently since my DP and I enjoy travelling and save any spare pennies to do so, we live a life of luxury and apparently don't enjoy where we are. This is so far from the truth. We are really enjoying our time away!! It's just such a shame it's had to come to this off the back of me asking what I thought was a kind, lighthearted question.

Your family are awful to you, op., I'm so sorry

What is your dp saying about all this? Because in all honesty if my dh was getting texts like this from his family I'd be advising him to go no contact with the lot of them!

I think you can't see the wood for the trees with them - you think they aren't nasty because this is all you've known but to outsiders they seem bloody toxic.

DP can see that I've been clearly segregated this afternoon, and isn't happy about it.
I just feel way too emotional over it all. It's really silly 🤦🏼‍♀️

What does you husband think of all this and your family in general?

Cross post!