Argument with my sister on holiday..

[caraanna]

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

They're scapegoating you OP, they're being really nasty make no mistake.

You seem to be trying to minimise it, perhaps because you've been treated badly by them so long, or you've been drilled that you're "oversensitive". Imagine how furious you'd be if a friend was being treated like this.

That whole thing about using your dead dad (sorry to be blunt) against you proves their lack of kindness - to say the least!

Please keep your distance from them.

Apologies!! I misread that your dad died, very sorry!

Your sister may or may not be in a bad relationship but she does seem to be happy to turn your family against you

I don’t like how the OP is being bullied on here.

OP, I think your family sound like a bunch of cunts, to be honest. They’re horrible to you.

Well if you’d asked about those incidents you’d have got very different replies. So no, those are not the sort of things people would be ok with generally. Massive drip feed. Going to her room to spend time with her partner on holiday - 100% normal. Going outside the hotel grounds to the shops - 100% normal. Not wanting to spend every waking hour with your family 24/7 - 100% normal.

Definitely sounds like you've hit a nerve, hence her reaction. Deep down she know's something is amiss, and is projecting all her negative emotions on you.

No don’t apologise.
you’ve done nothing wrong.
i also would not go on holiday with your fAmily again.
how dare they be so cruel to you
i would think how much time you spend with them

You know what OP. From what you have said you have done nothing wrong. You are concerned about your Sister and I would do exactly the same. In these situations you can’t do right for doing wrong!!
As for your nasty bullying family! I would be totally ignoring their abusive messages and just do your own thing for the rest of the holiday. Your situation sounds absolutely awful. You are indeed the family scapegoat. I would be going very low contact with all of them when you get home. They are disgusting.

'You're evil like your father'
'This holiday isn't good enough for you and your luxury lifestyle'

Honestly, OP, these texts are truly shocking. As in absolutely appalling. I'm concerned that you've been groomed over the years into thinking it is all right for family to say such horrendous things to you. I would be less concerned about your sister, whose behaviour sounds fairly manipulative in terms of how she interacts with her wider family, and more concerned with how this level of vicious nastiness is impacting on your and your self esteem.

She’s upset because she isn’t okay about her controlling partner and doesn’t know how to respond!

Your family sound absolutely awful. I have no idea why you have gone on holiday with them.

Anyone in their late twenties wanting a relationship with a 19 year old is weird to me. I know people will argue that a 19 year old is adult enough to know what they want but in so many cases, older men will go for 18/19 year olds who are still young enough to manipulate and control but old enough for them to not be called a nonce.

OP, I've only read your posts, but the rest of your family sound like a fucking nightmare, sorry.

I think you're waking up, OP, to how fucked up this family dynamic really is. Wake up calls are often painful, but necessary.

Personally I don't think you've done or said anything wrong. Just one of those awful messages from your family would have me distancing myself smartish and telling them all why. They have clearly got so used to bullying and belittling you, that it's automatic no matter what. I feel really sorry for you for having to put up with that bullshit. For your own sake distance yourself going forward.

Wow, you’re family don’t appear to like you very much do they? I mean what on earth has she told them? Can’t you just talk to your family and ask what the big deal is?

i don’t have siblings but if I had an issue with my Mum falling out with me over something I didn’t understand, I would just ask her what it was all about 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She sounds like she’s panicking and trying to protect her partner, possibly to protect herself.

Your family are bullying you. Go and have a nice dinner and cocktail with your partner.

Things are definitely not good with her and husband if she is crying as you have hit a raw nerve and it shows how much he controls her as she will not open up to you but on the otherhand maybe they just like time to themselves. I know I could never do a big family holiday as do not like people around me all the time as need my own space so maybe he is overwhelmed by it all. Just talk to her and say sorry if you upset her but why is she crying as seems a bit over the top and now getting sympathy from everyone. Just enjoy your holiday but do not fall out with your sis as she will be more isolated than ever if that happens.

Your family sound awful and your sister is a master manipulator given the fact that she's been babied her entire life.
I feel for you OP, I've had "your just like your father" comments and it hurts like hell. But remember your mother CHOSE to have a family with him and I'm sure if she did some reflection, she will have some horrible traits also.

@caraanna

I would be less concerned about your sister, whose behaviour sounds fairly manipulative in terms of how she interacts with her wider family, and more concerned with how this level of vicious nastiness is impacting on your and your self esteem.

I agree with this ^^. Perhaps you and DP should just spend the rest of the holiday just the two of you. I'm sorry it was just assumed that everything your sister said was true and that you are some evil creature without anyone, particularly your mother, trying to get your side of what happened.

Maybe for now, thinking of the holiday's end, think of what the arrangements are to get from the hotel to the airport and, on landing, from the airport to your home.

When you get home maybe just keeping yourselves to yourselves for a while and you and DP consider what to do next. 🌹

Well @caraanna I would shrug and wander off. Your family sound like they are a bit mean to you, and you seem to have had only good intentions. Sister's DP has form, your family must be aware, and they are pretending it's ok when it doesn't sound like it is.

Let them have their drama, turn off your phone and focus on your relationship with your partner and having a lovely holiday. And maybe go on holiday with only partner next time.

@fionaapple absolutely this.

I had a relationship with a 27 yr old when I was 17. I swore blind that age gap didn't matter, he was lovely, I knew everything about relationships, blah blah blah.

Well 2 years later turned out he'd just been enjoying being with someone very young, what a shit. Took me years to get over.

If I'd had an older sister like the OP, I would not have taken kindly to her suggesting there were red flags in my relationship, however nicely it was done. Add in that the OP is already the family scapegoat and the mess is there really, isn't it.

Do you have these issue with other people or is it just your family? If it’s just your family then it’s probably not you.
To me it sounds like you have hit nerve so your sister has become upset then she has twisted what you have said and you family have jumped on it.
The problem with these controlling men is it’s often subtle and by pointing out any of their behaviour it plays into their narrative that you are petty/a bitch/out you get them/looking to cause trouble etc they have the ear of the victim and can twist it and then it justifies them separating the victim even more. I have a friend in a similar situation and it’s a minefield.

I think you did a good thing OP by being concerned about your sister. As to the rest of your family, screw them. Enjoy the rest of your holiday; ignore them whilst away, and when you're back home. You don't need them, and it's quite liberating to know that.

The fuck is your family all about?

1. You've touched a nerve with her.
2. The way the rest of them have treated and spoken to you is absolutely despicable.

Leave them to it, shower of shit.