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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just seen a guy I am seeing holding hands with another girl

293 replies

Topcat9876 · 18/07/2022 18:14

First time poster.
Long time lurker.
need a bit of a hand hold really.

I am 35 year old never married and childess woman

just as the subject says really
met a guy on Bumble in April - great dates and chat and was due to see him again this week. We slept together after a couple of months.

I just tested positive for covid and had to come to wfh early - I work in health care so in work 12 hour shifts until at least 7/8. He stays quite close to me. I drove home at 2pm. As I drove up my road To home I seen him and he was holding hands with a woman. He seen me (he knows my car) and he just had a blank expression on his face.

obviously I will never be meeting up with him again but AIBU to just block him or should I say something? What a waste of time. Feel stupid being upset and having a little cry.

I am at the stage of giving up humiliating myself by even trying to date. I always seem to be a second choice or a comedy shag for men.

OP posts:
Angelinflipflops · 18/07/2022 22:19

I'd want to let his partner know to spare her the pain

ThePumpkinPatch · 18/07/2022 22:20

Topcat9876 · 18/07/2022 18:52

@Kanaloa
I am so glad I seen him
He would never have expected me as I have seen him after work a few times and be knows I leave about 7 - not getting back into the city until half seven / eight. He knows I work Monday through Thursday and knew I would have been it work

It was just so mad coincedence On the only day I have had to work from home he was at the end of my street - the Universe works in weird ways

*I saw him

Original poster
Topcat9876 · 18/07/2022 22:21

ThePumpkinPatch · 18/07/2022 22:16

What do you mean by stays quite close to you? That's a bit creepy Confused

He stays about a ten minute walk.

OP posts:
mrsfoof · 18/07/2022 22:21

ThePumpkinPatch · 18/07/2022 22:16

What do you mean by stays quite close to you? That's a bit creepy Confused

I would guess the op is Scottish. It's a turn of phrase meaning to live nearby ('stays' = 'lives').

ThePumpkinPatch · 18/07/2022 22:21

Jalisco · 18/07/2022 18:54

I frequently kiss and hug and hold hands with a friend of mine. He's gay. So fairly sure there's nothing going on.

You may be right, but why not just face up to this and ask him?

Whooooaaaaahhhh! You what?!?! You kiss your gay friend???? And hold his hand?! Wtf?

Dontcareforthehaters · 18/07/2022 22:24

It sounds as though this guy does not deserve you, your time or your energy. If he saw your car (which we all know that he did), he could have waved you down to introduce you to his friend if it was an innocent gesture of hand holding a friend in need. But instead he chose to play it like he didn't even know you. To me, that says it all. It's really up to you if you want to hear what this guy has to say, but you could just be giving him another bit of your time that he doesn't deserve.

Either way, don't let people (especially this fool) challenge your boundaries or knock your self esteem. When people cheat, it's about them and definitely not you.

Stand firm sister!

853ax · 18/07/2022 22:38

Wonder will he contact you or go ahead with existing plans thinking/expecting/hoping you didn't see him ?
Totally bizarre if you just never hear from him again.

Original poster
Topcat9876 · 18/07/2022 22:43

853ax · 18/07/2022 22:38

Wonder will he contact you or go ahead with existing plans thinking/expecting/hoping you didn't see him ?
Totally bizarre if you just never hear from him again.

Its not bizarre
Common phenomenon now a days called ghosting
Fairly standard
And I think he did he see me - he will know I seen him with her and I guarentee he will not message me again
He is probably relieved its been easy for him to exit without needing to put any other energy in

OP posts:
TortolaParadise · 18/07/2022 22:45

You know what you saw. Move on - his mistake - his loss!

KangFang · 18/07/2022 22:51

Chdjdn · 18/07/2022 18:40

I’m sorry this happened. I prefer the approach of not wasting the breath on them by saying anything; it never makes much difference and the high road feels better

Totally agree.

Kanaloa · 18/07/2022 22:52

ThePumpkinPatch · 18/07/2022 22:20

*I saw him

Show quote history

Nobody asked you to correct the spag on a perfectly understandable post. I imagine you think it makes you look really clever that you spotted the mistake but I’m afraid it just doesn’t - it in fact makes you look like you’re not really capable of a proper conversation. You haven’t been able to contribute in any useful way except making yourself look unpleasant.

whatsthestory123 · 18/07/2022 22:56

keep the txt's just in case you change your mind and you want proof
have to say op you are being very level headed

im so sick of all this crap with dating why do men try to be a player their just wankers

seriously been single 3-4 yrs and can be bothered with all this that's going on
it just seems to get worse and worse

ouch321 · 18/07/2022 22:56

Bussty · 18/07/2022 18:36

Are you exclusive? Did he lead you to believe you were exclusive? Holding hands isn't necessarily romantic either, depending on the context. I'd rarely hold hands with a friend in normal circumstances but if they were upset, in pain, etc then I might.

There is no such thing as "exclusive."

This is some awful trend brought in from America.

If you're seeing some one it ought to be the only person you're seeing. Anything else is simply immoral, shitty behaviour dressed up in this new phrase.

BadNomad · 18/07/2022 23:07

Did I miss something, why are you assuming she's a wife/long-term girlfriend? She might just be someone else he's dating.

RampantIvy · 18/07/2022 23:13

If you're seeing some one it ought to be the only person you're seeing. Anything else is simply immoral, shitty behaviour dressed up in this new phrase.

Absolutely.

I hate this modern trend for dating to be like a box of chocolates, so if it is Tuesday it must be an orange cream and on Thursday it is hazelnut toffee's turn. Being a player (aka keeping your options open) is not an attractive trait IMO.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 18/07/2022 23:13

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 18/07/2022 20:31

You speak about yourself so negatively OP.

You haven't been an idiot, or a fool, or nieve, or anything like that.

You are not a 'never been married, childless woman'

You're single and have no kids and just haven't met the right person yet.

He is the dickhead in this situation.

You sound like a lovely person. don't let this knock your self esteem, cos he is the Cockend and you have done absolutely nothing wrong here.

This is just such a lovely supportive post. Its posts like these that make me appreciate MN so much.

Its so true OP. You are worth so much more than this turd.
I was with a guy before who travelled between Germany and here. I found out way too late that he had 'fans' in Germany and sometimes said he was there when he was here as an excuse for not meeting me. It turned out he had someone else here too. It made me feel incredibly bad about myself at the time but in hindsight I realised, and you will too, that his behaviour was all about him and I was not the reason for his lies and cheating. There is a good chance his wife/partner knows what he's like but he's managed to lie his way back each time he's found out.

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 18/07/2022 23:15

I'd be finding out who the girlfriend was and telling her everything. Then block him - after giving him a piece of your mind.

PlantSpider · 18/07/2022 23:21

I bet you will hear from him. Either his ego or like picking a scab (he needs to know if you’re going to do anything) will get to him.

Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 23:37

I'd love to say I'd block and move on but I'd probably get my own back and find out this woman is and tell her straight. I'm a petty bitch though and don't know if I could just say nothing and walk away in that situation. What a dirty bastard!

Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 23:42

Don't make it easy for him OP. Find out who this woman is and tell her. I'd want to know if I was her and he'll get his eye wiped. I get the whole be the bigger person but there's a time and place for that and he deserves exposing. Hope you're okay. If I could tell her for you I would do!❤️

Charlize43 · 18/07/2022 23:44

Did he say he was exclusive? Did you tell him you wanted to be exclusive? I think you have to make that very clear (if that's what you're looking for) on these online dating sites. A lot of people I know just use them as a continuous stream of dates / shags.

Bc155 · 18/07/2022 23:50

What would be the point of speaking with the woman ? She has no obligation to OP. And, unfortunately, one cannot assume that one is in an exclusive relationship. May not be romantic, but one must verify. Tough times.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/07/2022 23:53

Sorry Op, that does suck. Though if I’m honest when I was dating this wouldn’t have bothered me. Mostly because unless there was a talk or we had passed the 3 month mark (which In fairness it seems that you’ve passed- and there was no real magic in the 3 month mark, I just felt it was a good ‘are we serious’ timeframe) I wouldn’t consider anything to be exclusive.

Clearly, you both have different expectations of each other, so your choices are to have a talk or walk away. I’d probably just walk away if I were you. I can’t say I’d really hold any ill will for him either. But that’s me. I always figured when it was right it’s right and not hard work or filled with drama, and there wasn’t any real point if it was work.

SheSaidHummingbird · 19/07/2022 00:01

ThePumpkinPatch Thanks. My eye was twitching.

Felixsmama · 19/07/2022 00:01

Charlize43 · 18/07/2022 23:44

Did he say he was exclusive? Did you tell him you wanted to be exclusive? I think you have to make that very clear (if that's what you're looking for) on these online dating sites. A lot of people I know just use them as a continuous stream of dates / shags.

Eww are people's boundaries set so low? If you have had numerous dates with someone like OP has said and slept with them quite a lot of times. Its obvious you would think it was going somewhere. Walking down the street holding hands with another woman isn't on. He's most definitely shagging that woman. It's like some people don't mind being a wank sock a few nights a week and the guy swaps with another woman on the other nights . If you haven't had the talk (which is a load of bullshit) you can't expect any respect??!! Respect and manners has gone out of the window with the dating app bullshit.