Page 12 | Just seen a guy I am seeing holding hands with another girl

Topcat9876 · 2022-07-18T17:14:49+00:00

First time poster. Long time lurker. need a bit of a hand hold really. I am 35 year old never married and childess woman just as the subject says really met a guy on Bumble in April - great dates and chat and was due to see him again this week. We slept together after a couple of months. I just tested positive for covid and had to come to wfh early - I work in health care so in work 12 hour shifts until at least 7/8. He stays quite close to me. I drove home at 2pm. As I drove up my road To home I seen him and he was holding hands with a woman. He seen me (he knows my car) and he just had a blank expression on his face. obviously I will never be meeting up with him again but AIBU to just block him or should I say something? What a waste of time. Feel stupid being upset and having a little cry. I am at the stage of giving up humiliating myself by even trying to date. I always seem to be a second choice or a comedy shag for men.

SleepingAgent · 21/07/2022 13:39

summerin69 · 20/07/2022 07:51

I would talk to him. Blocking him is a knee-jerk reaction but if you do that you'll never know the answer or resolve it. I'm pretty sure there is nothing he can say that will explain holding hands with another girl - but you can express how you feel about it before you close that door completely and that's the most important thing. You'll be able to move on feeling good about how you handled it, with your self respect in tact, knowing you've stood up for yourself.

Please read OP updates.

He's blocked her.

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 13:50

OP waited a couple of months to sleep with this guy so it’s not like she jumped into bed with him right away. Most things are not under our control, she never suspected this man was seeing someone else. Sometimes the red flags are there but others not so. They never had an “are we exclusive” conversation (which I believe is necessary after a few months of dating), so she should have not assumed this guy was seeing others.

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 13:52

“Sorry, she should not have assumed this man was being exclusive with her.” I meant.

BetterFuture1985 · 21/07/2022 14:12

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 13:50

OP waited a couple of months to sleep with this guy so it’s not like she jumped into bed with him right away. Most things are not under our control, she never suspected this man was seeing someone else. Sometimes the red flags are there but others not so. They never had an “are we exclusive” conversation (which I believe is necessary after a few months of dating), so she should have not assumed this guy was seeing others.

I don't agree with this. I think men who have sex with women based on lies sit in the same moral bucket as rapists.

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 14:40

BetterFuture1985 · 21/07/2022 14:12

I don't agree with this. I think men who have sex with women based on lies sit in the same moral bucket as rapists.

Show quote history

What lies? The OP never talked with him about being exclusive, he never told her "I'm only seeing you" or "I want to marry you". These two were casually dating. I understand her being heart broken. If you plan to be exclusive with a man that conversation needs to be had and boundaries need to be set in place, otherwise why assume? I believe she was a little bit "laissez faire" about the whole thing and he took advantage. She also sounds like he wanted more with this man and he didn't. She should have laid her cards in the table with him early on.

This said him blocking her was a dick move so she really dodged a bullet with this one. Twat. And lesson learnt.

RampantIvy · 21/07/2022 17:31

If you plan to be exclusive with a man that conversation needs to be had

I hate the way that this conversation has to be had these days. The assumption that everyone is sleeping with other people or dating other people unless you have had the "exclusive" conversation is just so depressing. What happened to just deciding after one or two dates it isn't worth pursuing before moving on to the next one?

Coffeepot72 · 21/07/2022 18:06

I think all this “exclusive” stuff is horrible. It seems to have reversed somehow, when I was younger things were presumed exclusive unless stated otherwise. When and why did it all change?

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 18:06

@RampantIvy What happened to just deciding after one or two dates it isn't worth pursuing before moving on to the next one?

Because it's difficult to know a person by the 2nd date, sometimes it's crystal clear yes, but others when you have chemistry with him/her you sort of want to "know more", plus people are usually on their best behaviour when they want to shag court you . e.g: I recently fell head over heels over my yoga teacher thinking he was some sort of spiritual god and couldn;t believe my luck when we started dating. I was on cloud 9 at the begining. It took me 3 months to realize under that mantle of spirituality there was a total douchebag. I wished I could have known this after the second date (I was too besotted) , it would have saved me precious time. I never had the "are we exclusive" conversation with him because as the relationship progressed I started to see red flags and was not sure I wanted to take it to the next level.

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 18:08

We broke up after 3 months (thank god). It took me 3 months to figure out he was not good for me. I wished I had known that after 2 dates.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/07/2022 19:06

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 18:06

@RampantIvy What happened to just deciding after one or two dates it isn't worth pursuing before moving on to the next one?

Because it's difficult to know a person by the 2nd date, sometimes it's crystal clear yes, but others when you have chemistry with him/her you sort of want to "know more", plus people are usually on their best behaviour when they want to shag court you . e.g: I recently fell head over heels over my yoga teacher thinking he was some sort of spiritual god and couldn;t believe my luck when we started dating. I was on cloud 9 at the begining. It took me 3 months to realize under that mantle of spirituality there was a total douchebag. I wished I could have known this after the second date (I was too besotted) , it would have saved me precious time. I never had the "are we exclusive" conversation with him because as the relationship progressed I started to see red flags and was not sure I wanted to take it to the next level.

I thought I read on another of your posts that you're married?

jewishmum · 28/07/2022 17:00

Find out who that poor woman is and TELL HER. Then block them both.

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 30/07/2022 18:41

Chdjdn · 18/07/2022 18:40

I’m sorry this happened. I prefer the approach of not wasting the breath on them by saying anything; it never makes much difference and the high road feels better

This.
Let him continue in life thinking he's blown it & you're not bothered enough to waste your time looking for answers.
You're entitled to a good cry or 5 in private though.
You're human. Big hugs.

elfoodlover · 30/07/2022 20:44

Personally I'll teach him a lesson 😁.

Blocking makes it easier on him and harder on you. You'll be wondering forever what he would have said for himself, he's got the other girl and doesn't have to explain himself, chances are he'll keep doing it.

I'd contact him in a light hearted way like if I was not hurt at all, something like "so which one is your girl?" or "damn, thought I'd meet your parents before your gf" or "invite her too next time" 😅 or similar bs that'll make an idiot laugh.

Then I'll look for someone decent whilst making him think I want to see him or even be with him, whilst find excuses to make myself unavailable in the short term and most definitely bailing on him a few times. I'll try to find out who the girl is and most definitely tell her. Only way he'll think twice before doing it again 😉.

PS. I'm not normally the "teach a lesson type", but when he doesn't even bother walking far from your home than the above is nothing 😇.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 30/07/2022 21:01

elfoodlover · 30/07/2022 20:44

Personally I'll teach him a lesson 😁.

Blocking makes it easier on him and harder on you. You'll be wondering forever what he would have said for himself, he's got the other girl and doesn't have to explain himself, chances are he'll keep doing it.

I'd contact him in a light hearted way like if I was not hurt at all, something like "so which one is your girl?" or "damn, thought I'd meet your parents before your gf" or "invite her too next time" 😅 or similar bs that'll make an idiot laugh.

Then I'll look for someone decent whilst making him think I want to see him or even be with him, whilst find excuses to make myself unavailable in the short term and most definitely bailing on him a few times. I'll try to find out who the girl is and most definitely tell her. Only way he'll think twice before doing it again 😉.

PS. I'm not normally the "teach a lesson type", but when he doesn't even bother walking far from your home than the above is nothing 😇.

The thread is several weeks ago now and the OP stated that the guy blocked her before she could do it to him.

stressedout21 · 30/07/2022 23:51

Don’t waste anymore time on him be thankful you’ve found him out 👀

Blueink · 31/07/2022 14:45

OP hope you are recovered from Covid, thanks for your updates - glad he swiftly removed himself as you are FAR too good for him.

Blueink · 31/07/2022 14:49

Exclusive conversation seemed to come along with US style ‘dating’ and dating apps

AmsyT · 31/07/2022 16:17

I’m so sorry you received that shock, especially while sick with covid. Please remember that his actions don’t have anything to do with you, but really are about him. Hard as it is, try not to take it personally.

i’d actually want to meet him for this date and make him tell me to my face. He probably won’t want to do that, but you never know. At the very least I would not block him. It is possible that if you hadn’t had a talk about exclusivity he has been dating this person all along, maybe she lives with him. Or, The fact he silences his profile makes me wonder if he dates other women while she’s not around. There are several different scenarios possible. But what it all boils down to is that you had a different idea of what is going on with the two of you than he did and you weren’t on the same page. Good thing to keep in mind in the future.

Best of luck to you in moving on. It’s really hard to move on when we aren’t ready. ❤️❤️‍🩹