Page 11 | Just seen a guy I am seeing holding hands with another girl

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 19:13

Ladyof2022 · 19/07/2022 19:08

Ask him to explain first.

I've twice been thought to be cheating because the boyfriend at the time jumped to a conclusion. Luckily both times they gave me the chance to explain.

One time a female friend had a row with her husband, drove to mine at midnight and kipped on my sofa, leaving her 750cc motorbike in my front garden. He assumed it was a bloke sleeping with me.

Second time I was walking down the street when my gay male flat-mate came up behind me and grabbed my hand playfully, and we walked along for maybe 20 or 30 seconds hand in hand. Boyfriend's sister saw me and told him I was cheating.

I'm just saying, don't throw away a perfectly good relationship because of what might turn out to be a misunderstanding.

He has blocked her since she saw him though, without her accusing him of anything.

What innocent reason would he have to do that?

Juliesykes · 19/07/2022 19:21

Don’t bother speaking to him, he will just lie! Move on, block him and try not to beat yourself up. Some men are just total assholes.

IDreamOfTheMoors · 19/07/2022 20:02

He’ll eventually text you - they always do.
So be ready.

Him: Hi.
You: oh hi Rick (call him by the wrong name)
You: oh sorry, I mean David (wrong name again)
You: I mean fuck off

THEN BLOCK HIM

MrsLighthouse · 19/07/2022 20:09

What a prize di*k….l’d be really upset too but at least you found out. I wouldn’t block him but l wouldn’t message him either. Don’t let him hold you back from trying to find love …good luck !

Gr8white · 19/07/2022 20:09

He is cheating on you, no doubt about it. Message him and ask him to explain. Let him sweat and contrive a convoluted cover story, if he wants you. If he doesn't bother, so what? Dump him anyway. Tosser. x

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/07/2022 20:14

Topcat9876 · 19/07/2022 15:33

I agree with this. I went to a singles event and the most eligible bachelor on paper came across amazingly well on a first meeting. At the end of the night when we were leaving I noticed him skulking around a couple of drunk out their face woman in the corner and buying them drinks. If I had not seen that you would have thought he was a 'nice guy' on first presentation.

I barely use the apps in all fairness as this is a huge proportion of their behaviour I and my friends have came across fairly regularly. Bumble is the only online dating app you can set to incognito (handy for my work) so I am going to stick with that one for now. I wonder if I will meet a man at my stitching class this weekend 😂😂

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A man used to go to my stitch club so you never know!

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/07/2022 20:34

Thirsty ego and a wandering bits, no fucking thank you.

The universe clearly didn’t want you slumming it with cockroach..✨

Onwards and upwards beaut.

HTH1 · 19/07/2022 20:46

I’m glad you can take it in good humour but I would just have to find out who the partner is and let her know.

AmyS88 · 19/07/2022 21:08

HTH1 · 19/07/2022 20:46

I’m glad you can take it in good humour but I would just have to find out who the partner is and let her know.

This. I very rarely understand the “it’s not your place to say anything” argument. If another woman was seeing my OH and she found out about me I would absolutely want to know about it and I would appreciate and respect the heads up that I’m wasting my life on a scumbag. Definitely tell her.

BetterFuture1985 · 19/07/2022 21:10

Topcat9876 · 18/07/2022 18:14

First time poster.
Long time lurker.
need a bit of a hand hold really.

I am 35 year old never married and childess woman

just as the subject says really
met a guy on Bumble in April - great dates and chat and was due to see him again this week. We slept together after a couple of months.

I just tested positive for covid and had to come to wfh early - I work in health care so in work 12 hour shifts until at least 7/8. He stays quite close to me. I drove home at 2pm. As I drove up my road To home I seen him and he was holding hands with a woman. He seen me (he knows my car) and he just had a blank expression on his face.

obviously I will never be meeting up with him again but AIBU to just block him or should I say something? What a waste of time. Feel stupid being upset and having a little cry.

I am at the stage of giving up humiliating myself by even trying to date. I always seem to be a second choice or a comedy shag for men.

You shouldn't say such horrible things about yourself. I'm sure you're not a "comedy shag" and the fact you're 35, childless and unmarried probably has more to do with your success in life than anything negative. You work in health care and put in 12 hour shifts which shows enormous intellect, personal responsibility and sacrifice for others.

Topsyturveymam · 19/07/2022 21:36

What a dick.
The university did you a favour and revealed his true colours before any definite emotional attachment.
I met my husband online 12 years ago so it can be great, but we don’t know for sure their status or their back history …the stuff you’d know if they were local or connected to our circle of friends. You can get complete arses like this peddling all kinds of bollocks about themselves.

Misty333 · 19/07/2022 22:32

Just ditch nothing to be gained except heartache where he’s concerned. He wouldn’t be with this woman if he thought your relationship was going somewhere. You will only end up hurt. Just block him no explanation needed. If he seen you he probably knows the game is up.

capostrophe · 19/07/2022 23:26

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 18:51

They just call women mental if called out, I think it's often pointless to do so as true arseholes really don't care what women they hurt think about them so calling them out has no effect other than re-engaging with a wanker.

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Men call women mental for EXACTLY this reason, to protect themselves and rationalise their own disgusting behaviour. As long as OP sticks to the facts then he won’t be able to justify using the “mental” rhetoric. And if she feels upset she should communicate that as much as she wants. Her feelings are valid and if he doesn’t like it tough. She should defo inform him that she will be enlightening his girlfriend next time she sees her too to make him sweat. These arseholes should not be getting away scott free with this stuff.

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 23:33

Men call women mental for EXACTLY this reason, to protect themselves and rationalise their own disgusting behaviour. As long as OP sticks to the facts then he won’t be able to justify using the “mental” rhetoric. And if she feels upset she should communicate that as much as she wants.

Absolutely, if she wants to she can.

My point is that it will achieve absolutely nothing when it comes to impacting him.

He doesn't want to rationalise his behaviour because he doesn't care enough about it to be decent.

Explaining to him the facts (that he already knows) and how they affect or upset others (which he already knows hence why he blocked her to avoid having to address it) will make no difference other than OP having to do the emotional labour of wording the message, feeling anxious about whether or not she'll get a response etc.

And regardless of all that, he's already blocked her rather than addressing it.

So she can't communicate with him about it anyway.

OP - onwards and upwards

BetterFuture1985 · 20/07/2022 01:48

It doesn't really feel right to me that the OP can be treated in this way and then be expected to just move on. Yes, moving on will eventually be good for self esteem but why are people - mostly men - allowed to get away with behaving like this? Why have we become so relaxed and so forgiving of people who cheat that the only comeuppance is that people move on?

My ex-wife cheated on me numerous times and it was deeply hurtful, and then she walked away with most of our assets in divorce and never showed any kind of recognition for the pain she caused. But she seems to be the exception because most of this behaviour is perpetuated by men and they just get away with it whilst the women are just old "oh, he destroyed your self esteem, but nevermind, chin up."

This man deserves to be named and shamed. Cheating on people should carry a stigma like it used to. Call it what it is, a form of abuse.

Darlingx · 20/07/2022 05:28

Just be glad your not invested in holding his hand any longer. It’s not a reflection on you or internet dating. Just that certain type of womaniser.
my friend met a guy we saw him having breakfast in the early hours with a woman. He explained she is just a friend. I was saying but does she know that she is only a friend though?
Next time he was seen by another of our friendship group holding hands with a woman walking down the street after having spent the week before shagging our friend . who was wondering why he wasn’t returning her texts since. This we felt could save our friend the agony of waiting but he still came back with ‘she’ has mental health problems she is fragile as to why holding hands with a woman other than our friend.
We have all been there mine was a partner getting texts and meeting up with an agent on a Bank holiday. I just knew he was messing me around and if your with that kind of guy it’s a waste of your loving heart.
He doesn’t deserve to be inside your thoughts in your head and on your mind. He doesn’t deserve that privilege.
He has been caught red handed and I am glad you were in a convertible sports car 😎.My sister on a date someone came out of a hedge as they were leaving the pub. An Ex girlfriend apparently. My friend on a date who kept cancelling his Grans washing machine flooded I mean the excuses were from the sublime to the ridiculous to cancel suddenly at the last minute as they finally had the date were doing the deed a woman outside holding a baby shouted outside You’ve got a woman up there again haven’t you.
This kind of man deserves to experience all the rejection in the world. I want to swap them for a dog in the dog’s home waiting for it’s forever home . Like a karmic reincarnation like making Catholic Priests eternally pregnant in Hell.

summerin69 · 20/07/2022 07:51

I would talk to him. Blocking him is a knee-jerk reaction but if you do that you'll never know the answer or resolve it. I'm pretty sure there is nothing he can say that will explain holding hands with another girl - but you can express how you feel about it before you close that door completely and that's the most important thing. You'll be able to move on feeling good about how you handled it, with your self respect in tact, knowing you've stood up for yourself.

LooseGoose22 · 20/07/2022 08:04

You shouldn't say such horrible things about yourself. I'm sure you're not a "comedy shag

Exactly.

While depiting yourself as 2nd choice and s comedy shag, have you thought about what "choice" the woman he was holding hands with. She isn't a "choice" because he cheats on her. What great respect does he have for her or their relationship ship?? Clearly none. He (presumably) met her first so that's why she's "first choice" .... your options with a man like this are to be his "first choice" but be cheated in with women he seeks out and misrepresents himself as single to on bumble etc. Or to be rhe eknan hes cheating with, while letting her think they're in a relationship of sorts.

2 shitty roles, neither with playing. The first role is a very risky one - because in longer term "relationships" many women will stop using condoms: but hrs espising her to stds (even if using ckndons with other women he's cheating with) and she doesbt know. If he does her the tremendous privilege of getting married, he's making a farce out of their marriage and if she finds out about his cheating or he leaves her for one of his other women, she's dealing with a marriage breakdown, divorce and losing 50% of any assets she has (she could have equity in property, she could have an inheritance) to him, in our no fault divorce system. If he impregnated another woman at some point (and accidents happen if if comdoms are used), she's facing the divorce and any kids she had with him being disadvantaged by him having tk pat child maintenance, plus all the emotional etc impact of half siblings, conceived in cheating.

So .... what great "first choice" bargain is his unknowingly main squeeze getting?

People experience trauma when they find out they've been cheated on, it can affect their mental health, it can effect their lives for years/forever... that is what he is to his main partner.

LooseGoose22 · 20/07/2022 08:07

It’s not a reflection on you or internet dating. Just that certain type of womaniser.

This type has always existed.

Internet dating just makes it easier for them.

LooseGoose22 · 20/07/2022 08:10

I would talk to him. Blocking him is a knee-jerk reaction but if you do that you'll never know the answer or resolve it

Rtt.

He blocked her on everything.

He doesn't want to listen to a woman he's cheated on and with.

He knows what they're going to say from previous experience. It's nothing he wants to hear or consider. Hes entitled to fucking on the side, it's not hos fault stupid women get upset about it.

capostrophe · 20/07/2022 08:36

LooseGoose22 · 20/07/2022 08:04

You shouldn't say such horrible things about yourself. I'm sure you're not a "comedy shag

Exactly.

While depiting yourself as 2nd choice and s comedy shag, have you thought about what "choice" the woman he was holding hands with. She isn't a "choice" because he cheats on her. What great respect does he have for her or their relationship ship?? Clearly none. He (presumably) met her first so that's why she's "first choice" .... your options with a man like this are to be his "first choice" but be cheated in with women he seeks out and misrepresents himself as single to on bumble etc. Or to be rhe eknan hes cheating with, while letting her think they're in a relationship of sorts.

2 shitty roles, neither with playing. The first role is a very risky one - because in longer term "relationships" many women will stop using condoms: but hrs espising her to stds (even if using ckndons with other women he's cheating with) and she doesbt know. If he does her the tremendous privilege of getting married, he's making a farce out of their marriage and if she finds out about his cheating or he leaves her for one of his other women, she's dealing with a marriage breakdown, divorce and losing 50% of any assets she has (she could have equity in property, she could have an inheritance) to him, in our no fault divorce system. If he impregnated another woman at some point (and accidents happen if if comdoms are used), she's facing the divorce and any kids she had with him being disadvantaged by him having tk pat child maintenance, plus all the emotional etc impact of half siblings, conceived in cheating.

So .... what great "first choice" bargain is his unknowingly main squeeze getting?

People experience trauma when they find out they've been cheated on, it can affect their mental health, it can effect their lives for years/forever... that is what he is to his main partner.

All this. It’s a form of abuse. Sex by deception. No different to film execs bewitching young wannabes for sex for which they get sent to jail.

wellhelloitsme · 20/07/2022 09:12

summerin69 · 20/07/2022 07:51

I would talk to him. Blocking him is a knee-jerk reaction but if you do that you'll never know the answer or resolve it. I'm pretty sure there is nothing he can say that will explain holding hands with another girl - but you can express how you feel about it before you close that door completely and that's the most important thing. You'll be able to move on feeling good about how you handled it, with your self respect in tact, knowing you've stood up for yourself.

She can't. He's already blocked her on everything without speaking to her.

namechangeididtoo · 20/07/2022 16:37

LooseGoose22 · 19/07/2022 10:52

But they might not be a couple

On MN, for some bizarre reason, thete is always at least 1 poster who, presented with facts that fairly obvious and natural conclusions can be drawn from, in 99% of cases... will deny/argue them. I have no idea why.

A woman could come on here finding condom wrappers (abf theyndontbuse comdoms).in her husband's "going out" trousers and at least 1 poster will.alwsys say "oh his friends probably put them in thete for a joke, he was probably playing a joke on his friends and that's how they got there, maybe he likes a posh walk, maybe he needed some rubber gloves for something but could only find condoms etc etc". The poster will then sat shes seen incriminating messages from another woman about the night out and the poster will say "are you sure they couldn't be from his Mum or sister, could the pussy they were talking about be their cat?, did he maybe lend his friend hos phone and it was the friend that shahged her".. and on and on.

I have never understood what their deal is.

My ex did exactly that with the condoms found in his briefcase

amispeakingintongues · 21/07/2022 10:23

Do not let others shoddy disrespectful actions define you. It’s shitty what he’s done but this is NO reflection on your value. What you need to do is just date. Do not sleep with any man until they are serious/ exclusive. I know its easier said than done, but I learned the hard way on this topic like you. I found my soul mate shortly after I decided to ‘close up shop’ and I think it done me all the good in the world. You deserve happiness and most of all respect. Do not let others shitty actions rob you of that too. Never give up hope - just change your approach . Xx

BetterFuture1985 · 21/07/2022 11:21

amispeakingintongues · 21/07/2022 10:23

Do not let others shoddy disrespectful actions define you. It’s shitty what he’s done but this is NO reflection on your value. What you need to do is just date. Do not sleep with any man until they are serious/ exclusive. I know its easier said than done, but I learned the hard way on this topic like you. I found my soul mate shortly after I decided to ‘close up shop’ and I think it done me all the good in the world. You deserve happiness and most of all respect. Do not let others shitty actions rob you of that too. Never give up hope - just change your approach . Xx

This is a really good post. If they're worth it, they'll wait. It's especially important when it's someone you meet online who you don't know much about at all.