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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

155 replies

Sophie9090 · 18/07/2022 01:41

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 18/07/2022 01:47

I had a friend whose husband was addicted to World of Warcraft. It took over his life completely and started to impact on his job. He had friends on there who he talked to more than her.

She gave him an ultimatum -either her or the game.
He lied to her constantly and told her he was not doing it anymore but he was and eventually things got so bad that he had to delete it.
Make him stop.

WeAreBob · 18/07/2022 01:49

You dont need to end your marriage but you can take a break from it.

Is there anywhere you and your son can stay for a month maybe? Take time away from him, and him away from you and see his things are.

When he said those things, he meant them. He'd still he saying them now if you hadn't caught him. He'll maybe behave for a couple weeks but then he'll go back to it. Those things are what he thinks of you and his time with you and possibly the time your son takes up as well.

It sounds time for a break. He can have his gaming life and you can see if you think you could manage without him, because you might have to.

craftsupplyhoarder · 18/07/2022 02:09

Not to sound flippant, but you can end a relationship for any reason whatsoever, so yes, you can end the marriage over these messages, or rather for the disrespectful, immature attitude toward you that they demonstrate.

To take a more measured response, you can most definitely tell him that you don't like who he becomes when he's obsessed with his games and chatting to his gaming friends. His disrespectful messages about you reveal a side of his personality that is at best immature and at worst rather nasty. This is how moody, spoilt teenagers vent about their parents to their peers, not how an adult should be describing his wife (and the mother of his child). You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who bad-mouths you like a petulant child, I'm assuming. How would he feel if he found that you'd been insulting him to one of your own friends, complaining about how you "have" to spend time with him tonight but would so much rather be out with them?

He could do with a reminder that you're a person with feelings, too, and that he's very lucky to have you in his life.

BritInAus · 18/07/2022 02:14

You absolutely can end a marriage for whatever reason you want.
A relationship with an addict will never see you (or your DC) first. Ever. I've been there, and life on the other side is more wonderful that I ever imagined.
What keeps you with this man child?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2022 02:21

I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages

You can end your marriage for any reason whatsoever, actually. The messages are just the tip of the iceberg, he has been a selfish, self-absorbed prick from the beginning. You have wasted so many years being completely disrespected and disregarded by this man, it's tragic. You shouldn't give him one more day.

Christinatheastonishing · 18/07/2022 02:26

I only read as far as the bit where he was hammering away on a keyboard while you were trying to sleep in the same room, to figure out that this is not a kind man who respects and cares about you. The online messages reinforce that.

You don't have to leave, but you're probably not going to be able to change the underlying problem which is how he perceives and treats you. It's manifesting itself now in the way he prioritises gaming but it's deeper than that.

Pretenditsaplan · 18/07/2022 02:26

Honestly if id of found these i would of assumed he was having an affair. At least an emotinal one. Hed rather be with them. Your the one keeping them apart.... etc etc so yes you can end a marriage over this, most do....

JustHarriet · 18/07/2022 02:41

This is a really shocking story, I'm so sorry.

If this is how he talks about you then this is how he thinks about you. This behaviour falls way below basic entry-level respect.

It should never be your job to convince someone to treat you with basic respect.

There is a cost to staying in a relationship where you are not respected, which is that it wears away at your own self-respect. Part of us believes that how we are treated is what we deserve. You certainly deserve way better than this.

StClare101 · 18/07/2022 03:03

He doesn’t respect you or care about you. I would definitely end my marriage over that.

SheSaidHummingbird · 18/07/2022 03:09

How can you trust him after this? He's sorry that he was caught out. It just sounds like a very unhappy relationship; your needs aren't being fulfilled and he doesn't respect you.

Poppyblush · 18/07/2022 03:47

Yabu for not making this the last time he treats you like shit.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2022 03:58

I too think a break sounds like a good idea. You can’t unread those messages and he has not in any way convinced you he doesn’t think that way and regrets it. If he won’t convince you of that then the messages are what he thinks- and that is absolutely worth ending your marriage over.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/07/2022 04:24

I can't believe he would lie in bed and actually talk to people while you are trying to sleep..I have heard my ds when teenagers talk to people online and l just can't imagine a grown man doing this with his wife lying trying to sleep..while pregnant!! Aside from the horrible messages that is a new level of selfishness.
His comments are just like the alcoholic down the pub giving out about the wife at home and blaming her for him being down there again.
Was this guy 21? I actually don't know how he can actually be in charge of a baby.
I honestly think he needs to agree to counselling where he can hear from someone else the total inappropriateness of his behaviour and be rightly shocked.

Marvellousmadness · 18/07/2022 04:58

That he bitches about your bit is fine
But... he actually calls you a bitch .. that is taken things too far
Plus that he is more interested in playing games then being with you.
Sounds like you are room-mates more than husband and wife

I would end my marriage over the latter.
He chooses to play a game vs spending time with you

dawngreen · 18/07/2022 05:11

Have you ever taken a interest in his gaming?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 18/07/2022 05:23

dawngreen · 18/07/2022 05:11

Have you ever taken a interest in his gaming?

As OP isn't 15, probably not.

Toucan123 · 18/07/2022 05:39

dawngreen · 18/07/2022 05:11

Have you ever taken a interest in his gaming?

Why are you asking that question? Do you have a point?

Butchyrestingface · 18/07/2022 05:40

I think you've been way too nice and accommodating already. This is a man who kept you awake at night when you were pregnant and had to work the next day by playing video games through the night in your bedroom (WHO DOES THAT???).

And now he's bitching about his nasty, controlling mother sorry, WIFE to his on-line 'mates' like some hormonal teenage boy.

Do you WANT the marriage to keep going?

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2022 05:45

He sounds very selfish; and you need to work on boundaries - why didn’t you say to him that he’s keeping you awake? He sounds inconsiderate from the start and those messages show he has no respect for you at all. I don’t know why you would stay married to someone like that

DiscoBadgers · 18/07/2022 05:53

Did you marry a 12 year old? This isn’t normal behaviour and you absolutely can end a marriage for this or any other reason. He sounds like a selfish prick.

greatblueheron · 18/07/2022 05:59

Playing in your bed while you're trying to sleep not caring that you have to function to work! And compounding the problem when you were pregnant to boot! And then calling you controlling and other names to his friends for challenging his behaviour in your marriage.

I'd get rid of him. He's shown you that he resents you. He's shown you you come last in his mind. He's shown no remorse for the names he called you and how he told everyone he'd rather be gaming than with you, his wife and mother of his child. He's just going through the motions until he can get back online.

You wouldn't be ending your marriage because of the messages. You'd be ending it because of his behaviour and what they represent ... the truth about his feelings towards you. And they're not good enough to keep you there.

kateandme · 18/07/2022 06:04

Your not ending marriage over messages op.it would be over the content of something your husband has thoguht and then said about you.whic was horrid.
It's made you feel terrible. That's no way to live with someone who thinks these things.
And ok end it?but maybe some space.or some work on his end to make this right definitely. To have some big talks on the feelings you have to each other.
What i wpuld say.If he was an addict. Addiction take over.it makes the symptom of that addiction all encompassing.you here all sorts don't you about what people will do for that hit of alcohol or drugs or food. But that is never the actual person.theu aren't often shitheads.very very often actually they are really good peolpe itswhy they are so vulnerable to these illnesses. which makes the things they do more shocking.and to people on the outside they won't get that and may just tell you he is a shit.
Only you no whether he is.or whether these comments on context were his illness.and what he was lile before and now.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 18/07/2022 06:10

I have a female friend addicted to online gaming, she has no interest in anything else. Split with her husband, her son comes second. The exs new girlfriend seems to be having a bigger role in the sons life more and more. Really just flushed her life. Her fake life just consumes her real life.

nomoremsniceperson · 18/07/2022 06:11

Seriously, fuck this guy, fuck his stupid immature friends and his stupid sad computer games. He's projecting his own shame about his inability to grow up onto you, the mother of his baby, because he's too weak to deal with it himself.
He is a pathetic manchild and you deserve better.

Hidingspiders · 18/07/2022 06:14

TheLadyofShalott1 · 18/07/2022 05:23

As OP isn't 15, probably not.

Show quote history

Hello, 36 year old mum gamer mum here. Plenty of people enjoy gaming. In fact I made a career out if it. Just to add another perspective. I don't see why watching TV is considered totally normal for adults but gaming isn't?! My dp and I both game and we're very normal adults. 🤔

Anyway. OP, he's treating you like shit. I dislike WoW. It's addictive and I've seen the impact it can have on people. It encourages unhealthy gaming binges and it's designed to draw people back again and again.

Does he have friends IRL? I found new parenthood to be lonely and overwhelming. My friends helped to get me through it. Internet friends are fine (good in fact!) But you need a variety of friends off screen too.

Having said that it's not your job to fix him. He's being an arsehole and he needs to grow up. Is he a good person? What does he bring to your relationship? Would be consider couples therapy if it came to it?

YANBU at all. I would be devastated too. 💐

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