AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

[Sophie9090]

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

As for the way your dh, spoke , omg 😲 all the best op

I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.
I would and I dont say that lightly. I get gaming is an addiction but it is the nasty, vicious way he spoke to others about you. It shows a complete lack of respect.

OP, your husband shouldn't speak of you like that. You won't ever be able to believe he loves you now that you've seen it. Time to gather what's left of your self-esteem and start making plans that don't include him.

@StopStartStop he didn't day it to the op he said it to his friends via private messages that she invaded his privacy to read and didn't like the results

he didn't day it to the op he said it to his friends via private messages that she invaded his privacy to read and didn't like the results
Would you be cool if you knew what your partner really thought of you?
Would you be happy being referred to as a controlling bitch when it is him who has issues.
You may be happy to put up with shit but I would be happy to walk away from someone who thought it was ok to slag me off, especially to virtual friends.

he didn't day it to the op he said it to his friends

@Bubblesandsqueak1 Still disrespectful. I had a partner who had a public blog where he used to slag me off. I should've left him for that alone (and of course there were other things.)

And OP claims she didn't deliberately look, she happened to see one of the messages. I think most of us would read more then to see what was going on.

You absolutely can end your marriage over it. 5

Yes I agree you absolutely can end your marriage over it. How dare he slate you to complete random strangers and obviously he would rather spend time with them than you. I would be really hurt upset and angry too and he won't ever change cos he doesn't want to. You are wasting your time away with a man child who doesn't respect you and deserve better. Get rid and find someone who cares about you and not some imaginary world where nothing is real or better still just get rid and enjoy your own company for a while. It is the best thing you could do.

'Invaded his privacy' is a rubbish argument. She discovered that her husband badmouths her to his friends. That's what he thinks of her. Better she knows than doesn't.

I ended a 14 year relationship because my then partner was addicted to World of Warcraft.

I’m a gamer and a big advocate of gaming. DP and I will play something most evenings.

Your husband sounds like a total twat and I’d be gone in a shot.

yeah so she is entitled to leave the asshole because she didn't like "the results" as you refer to a man being utterly horrible about his wife to his imaginary friends.

She would be doing him a favour really. As he said he'd rather hangout on line than be with the bitch.

OP, at the very least you need a break here. I cannot imagine trying to have sex with or plan a future with someone who had spoken about me like this - if he means it how awful. If he doesn't but is doing it to be in with his on-line gamers it is just as bad. Marriage is supposed to be nice. Your spouse is supposed to like you best.

He has no respect for you. gaming is number one in his life.

Hi @Stabbitystabstab this is getting a bit silly now, so I am probably going to confuse my self - apologies if I do get mixed up 😂
Could you please do me the favour of reading the first post that I was initially replying to? It was from @dawngreen on page one yesterday at 05:11, then my first response was just underneath her post, still on page one.

Then @TeaWithFlorence replied on page two at 06:23, to my response to @dawngreen on page one.

I believe that I gave @TeaWithFlorence quite an in-depth response on page two (sorry, I don't know at what time that was), trying to explain that she had misunderstood the reason why I replied as I did to @dawngreen on page one.
So far @TeaWithFlorence hasn't been kind enough to reply yet, but it has been bloody hot - still is in my bedroom at 05:19 on Tuesday morning, and most people probably have real life lives to keep them too busy to keep checking on Mumsnet. So if you get a chance can you please read my reply on page two to @TeaWithFlorence I would really appreciate if you @Stabbitystabstab could then let me know whether my reply to @TeaWithFlorence made any sense?

Then you saw @KnittingNeedles reply to @TeaWithFlorence on page 5, at 11:35 and you agreed with her again on page 5, by saying what you said just above here in the quote I have copied. I think I replied to @KnittingNeedles (again on page 5) by also asking her to read @dawngreen 's initial question (by the way her initial question was to the OP @Sophie9090 ) so I probably should have minded my own business and kept out of it ☺️

So now I am expanding my request to you @Stabbitystabstab to ask - very cheekily I know - if you could please read all of the above highlighted names posts that refer to that first post by @dawngreen and that relate to me @TheLadyofShalott1 (I just had to go and check what my name is, as my mind went completely blank 🤭) and then give me your thoughts on them?

By the way, I agree with you absolutely that

"Seriously, the problem is with the partner, not the gaming"

@Bubblesandsqueak1 that poster wrote “spoke of”, not “spoke to”. 👀

Gamer are we, per chance?

I ended a relationship in my early twenties with an addicted gamer. I loved him, I really did, and there were good qualities about him. We were together a few years. But. We just had fundamentally different views about how we liked to spend our spare time. On summer days he'd keep the windows and curtains shut so the sun didn't shine on his screen. And if I suggested going out for a walk in fields, or taking a picnic somewhere etc he'd come but his whole unspoken demeanour was like "I'm just doing this to make you happy and we'll go home soon, yeah?". All he seemed to talk about was references to computers and games. First thing in the morning he would reach over from bed and turn on the computer. It was like a crutch to him. I'd go round sometimes and he'd say "hang on I'm just in the middle of the game" and I'd sit there like a lemon until he'd finished. He was obsessed - truly obsessed. I didn't find it interesting at all. I wanted to talk, and go places, and go on trips and days out. If we went to a family gathering / party at his parents' house I would go out the back and sit with the "adults" and chat with them, while him and the other people my age would sit in the living room playing video games. I just wasn't interested in that world. I knew that if we grew up and had kids together it would be a battle to get him away from games, and I didn't think I'd win it. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. If you are hurt, it is valid. You will always be second best to games, to a person like this. If he wants to waste his life on games, that's his choice. But don't let him waste your's, and don't squash down your hurt because your feelings are valid.

It's considered rude to continuously tag people.
I'm not reading that wall of text

Do not address me
Thank you.

@Herejustforthisone yes I game I also read and hike and work 2 jobs and have 1 ds

@Pallisers online friends are not imaginary they are also really ppl we have friends across the globe that we play online with every now and again we have met most of these and have know them for over 20 years

The main problem is the op didn't like the gaming disturbing her sleep which she is right but he stopped when baby came along, he is missing some things he enjoy as if he wanted to play the op would complain the relationship will never work if you stop ppl doing things they like but it has to be in moderation

The main problem is the op didn't like the gaming disturbing her sleep

@Bubblesandsqueak1 That's just one part of it. If I were OP, the main problem (or at least the icing on the cake) to me would be him slagging me off to other people.

The main problem is that the rat badmouthed his wife to strangers.

Oh gosh @Stabbitystabstab I am going to make you even more cross as I have disobeyed you. I would apologise for that, but I am feeling too hot, and very immature at the moment, so I am not feeling sorry at all 😂

It is of course your perogative about whether you read my "wall of text" or not, but knowing a little about human nature I think you probably have anyway.

In all seriousness, I did not know that it was considered rude on Mumsnet to "tag" people. I only wanted to make it easier for you to understand that I had not meant in my reply to dawngreen, that I do not agree with, or understand, any adult women who can enjoy online gaming. It is not one of my choices for relaxing, or passing time, but I have no problem with (why should I - it is none of my business anyway?) how any adult decides to spend their free time, as long as they are not hurting anyone that they owe any consideration to.

Unfortunately several female gamers misunderstood what I was attempting to portray, and I am happy to apologise for that if it was my fault that they misunderstood me. So I mentioned the other Mumsnet members that I had replied to, because I hoped that it would help you look up all the relevant posts, so that you got the clearest picture possible of what had been stated on both sides. I now understand that you are not interested in the veracity of what I said, so no problems, you keep on replying to people in rudeness and error, and I will continue to try to correct/put right any misunderstandings that people (who I presume to be reasonable, and therefore would want to know that I hadn't been trying to be insulting to them) have with my posts.

Therefore, I am offering my sincere apologies to all of those other posters highlighted above - except of course dawngreen, because her question to the OP seemed like one a teenager would ask, not a grown woman who should have known better - If I have been unintentionally rude to them, or if I have caused them any discomfort through my words, then I am truly sorry.

I happen to like it when I get emails telling me if I have been mentioned in a post, as otherwise I might miss an interesting post, or one - like here - that I feel needs addressing. I think I am right in believing that I can turn that feature off if I don't want it?

OP sound very sensible and obviously takes her marriage seriously in that she knows it'd be unreasonable to end over trivial matters, but communication is key to any marriage and it sounds like you're able to sway him to keep away from the gaming when needs must. We all like to vent and this will have been his equivalent to you coming on here and being told to just leave the bastard.

Trivial matters?! I don't call that trivial. If people think your husband/partner slagging you off to strangers calling you a bitch and telling them they would rather be playing games than spending time with the one they are supposed to love is OK then it's a messed up world we live in. It's not a one off its ongoing and I guarantee its never going to change and is a small part of the much bigger problem which is actually that the man is a c* and woman deserves better.

Thank you for so much support, I feel reassured I wasn’t over reacting. I have had long chats with DH about the messages, he has really tried to make me feel better and explained in the moment he sent those messages he was addicted to the game, and it wasn’t his normal mindset. He hasn’t been playing for a good few months, so I can talk to him and he listens, he has said he will give up gaming completely. I really don’t want him to give up something he enjoys, however I can’t deal with him becoming addicted again! When he’s in that mindset he can’t see the wrong he’s doing. Aside from the awful messages he really is a wonderful dad, he adores our son and I think mainly that’s why he has been better with not gaming.

I really don’t know what to do, he promises he didn’t mean those messages and that he was in addict mindset and now he’s in a real life mind set. I couldn’t see him pushing our son away to game, if he did I couldn’t stay, our son always comes first of course

He can be a good dad if you divorced him but seems like you’re putting up with the disrespect

Is she putting up with disrespect because she didnt divorce him there and then straight away?

i am glad op he doesnt play for months now. U know him and the situation between u both when he is not under that “game influence”. Do whats best for the family