AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

[Sophie9090]

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

Yes. It’s possible to drink, gamble and game occasionally and still be present with your family and and treat them with love and respect. That is not what is happening here.

Would you want your child to put up with this treatment from their partner, OP?

I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages

You certainly could, depending how you feel about them. It's very disrespectful.

And that's on top of the rest of what he's done.

He sounds like a tool

My DP is a gamer. He does spend quite a lot of time on his PC, and we have had a few teething issues about how much it's allowed to impact family life. However, he is very respectful of this, and of the needs of everyone else in the house, so we all compromise a bit, and it works.

If DP had EVER said that shit to his online friends about me, I would be seriously considering the future of our relationship, just as if he'd been lying and bad mouthing me to IRL friends.

I see three possible reasons for it. Either he's playing some kind of persona when he games, and that's the sort of shit his character would say.
Or he reverts into a 13 year old online, with no awareness of other peoples feelings.
Or he genuinely feels that way.

Options one and two, I would need him not only to stop, but to own up to his online friends that he had lied.
Option three, he would be moving out.

I like gaming but having a baby and a job has put a stop to it for me. My husband still plays. It’s a positive part of our lives because we have never been hooked on it. For us it’s like reading, you can put it down whenever you like.

It sounds like your DH has crap self control and he’s put gaming before his family. It’s not your fault op. He is treating you badly. You just cannot sit in the dark playing on the PC all day and night if you have a spouse and kids. It’s not on.

These sound like messages from a 14 year old boy complaining about his mum. How deeply unattractive.

Until I read your first post, I assumed from the title I’d be reading about a petulant young teenaged son venting to his mates because you told him to keep the noise down. Shocked it’s your husband to be honest! He needs to pull his head out of his ass, the disrespectful git.

Lots of people game. I’m 50 and I’m quite partial to a few hours of Fallout or Assassins Creed. It’s knowing where to stop though.

^ all of this. Just what I was going to say. His attitude is horrible and reveals a deeper disrespect towards you.

Yes of course you can end your marriage over this. Your husband has no respect for you, resents spending time with you, wants to prioritise video games over family life and calls you unpleasant names behind your back.

The gaming itself is a red herring. It could just as well be any hobby or activity which he was prioritising. I'm not a gamer, but imo there is nothing inherently 'juvenile' about gaming, any more than any activity done purely for amusement/entertainment is juvenile.

This!
I'm 43, can't stand sitting brainlessly consuming TV but love gaming, game with my partner too.
We even have full and varied social lives!

Seriously, the problem is with the partner, not the gaming.

I wish people would accept that it's like any hobby.

This could be written with golf, cycling, badminton, ANYTHING as a focus.

He is the problem, not the gaming. He needs to buck his ideas up

If you left him, do you think he would miss you?
This doesn't sound like a partnership.

Well said @KnittingNeedles.

I found out my fella was a gamer when we first met, and I took an interest in his gaming. We are both gamers now.

We don't have pcs in our main room or bedrooms.

We make time away from our pcs.

Calling gaming dirty and a addiction will push him away. Every one has a interest.

I'm sorry but the fact that you don't see an issue with how your son and his friends talk about the women in their lives because that's just "gaming talk" is really quite scary.

I'm guessing your son doesnt correct them by saying she doesn't control his life, but they are partners. Instead I would imagine he laughs along.... in which case you have a misogynist for a son and I feel sorry for any woman he becomes involved with. I'm sure her mother wants basic respect and partnership for her daughter, and "that's just gaming talk. Sometimes he washes rhe dishes" isn't the same thing.

Gaming isn't necessarily the issue and so many PPs are getting distracted by this.

It's the way he has spoken about you. That is a man who does not respect you (and likely doesn't respect women in general) and I would not be able tostay with a man like that, nor would I want my child learning that is ok.

marriage advice here is usually to get a divorce straight away. How shocking.

@Herejustforthisone funny I read over 200 books last year and 148 so far this year I do not have a gaming addiction neither does my ds or dh we do other family stuff we game yes we however don't watch TV we play games online together, or offline we go hiking and camping with no devices and on a night time I normally either read or game or work so just because someone games does not mean they are a addict, I am more of a book addict then a gaming one

How can you respect someone who speaks about you like that? What some women put up with astounds me.

Once the respect has gone the marriage is over in all but name.

I'd leave him, gaming is a selfish pursuit. I say that as someone who was a gamer, dated gamers and gamed up to 16 hours a day. Gaming is great at helping you relax and forget everything important in your life. My life is much richer and interesting without such a lot of gaming. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and hide in a game but I'm a mum now so I guess that keeps me from falling back in. Real life is stressful, you can't achieve everything you want by just doing things again and again.
But the rewards of real life are so much better.

I only got out because I was fed up of not living life properly, my 20s were nearly finished and all I'd really done was game. I doubt your husband will quit while his life still keeps ticking by fine without his input. I was lucky to make friends with an outdoorsy person at the same time as getting a new job, it helped me not focus on the game. I think someone like your husband would need a big jolt like that to get out. But I don't think you should have to put up with his selfish, shitty behaviour in the meantime. Enjoy your life, you have one and he doesn't.

But I would not get upset, like people say its gaming talk. People of all ages play, or log on to their older brothers account. He was been one of the boys pff women sounds better than I have to go do the dishes etc.

Can you both pick some days to agree to do family time?

Hi @KnittingNeedles please can you refer to my reply to @TeaWithFlorence on page two - thanks!

He sounds like a complete loser, and he always has been. You don't marry and have children with idiot gaming addicts who keep their PCs in the bedroom and play while you sleep. You avoid such men like the plague. They're shit quality men.

Now you're stuck with him. He'll never change. You could have him but then you have to leave your son with him where he'll be neglected, so that's crap.

Maybe just tell him you found the messages and with any luck he'll piss off and stop blighting both your lives.

Usually because by the time they're posting they describe behaviour so extreme that no sensible woman would have even looked twice at the man, let alone married them.

Heavy drinkers, violent bullies, men who won't work, who don't talk, who are miserable and bitter - there's no point crying about it after five years. You can't change shit men. You can either keep living your sad life or you leave them.

I'm a 29 year old mum of 3 and have played WoW on and off since 2008. It's incredibly addictive and I only saw the destructiveness of it once I picked it up again once I had had children.

Some games are really addictive and I think a fair proportion of players find them addictive to the point of damaging IRL activities. However, his treating you like that and talking about you like that is unacceptable.

If anyone cares - I now play wow in a healthy way but you have to give up a lot to do so and the communities, particularly men in those communities can be really toxic and elitist, so he may have to quit cold turkey in order to escape.

For me , when I was younger I used to game quite a bit, mainly war strategy and base building games, the early Warcraft 2 tides of darkness, kknd, command and conquer series, dark reign, etc nowdays, I have a couple of game sessions now and then, mainly call of duty warzone, watchdogs 2, but after a while I get bored and want to learn something that improves my knowledge etc, and do my educational, journal writing. (Basically different information, reinterpreted then written into my notes, of topics in interested in.)

Overall if needed I could go cold turkey from the computer games, but I know not everyone is the same.