AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

[Sophie9090]

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

I had a partner addicted to gaming and it never got any better. He would play for 8 hours a day. We eventually broke up over it when I finally stood my ground and said I'd quite like to be able to use my own living room occasionally and watch TV, at which he got violent. I think after those messages, this situation is irreparable, sorry OP.

I cannot believe what you’ve tolerated from this man. He’d be up in the middle of the night gaming, talking to people online and bashing away at his keyboard in the same room as his sleeping, pregnant partner who had work the next day? Revolting.

It wouldn’t be the messages that end your marriage, it would be his utter contempt for you.

And I personally would find someone so addicted to gaming to be pathetic, juvenile and desperately unattractive.

You can and should end it, right away. You'll be much, much happier without him. As will your DC.

That is so hurtful, but sounds like the final straw in a long line of disrespecting your needs. The playing all night in the bedroom, while you were pregnant? Bloody hell, that was bad enough on it's own.

I say this as someone who games herself, with a husband who is a gamer - your partners behaviour is awful. The gaming itself sounds like an addiction, but speaking that way about you to friends - no. Absolute deal breaker for me. No one who loves you could bitch like that behind your back, and then be sweetness and light to your face.

You deserve better than this man child

I'm a female gamer and it's important to me always has been and I'm 29. But I wouldn't let it take over my life , I might have a play while DD is at school and it's my day off. Work and family commitments definitely come first. I don't think you should outright ban him. If it's a Friday night after baby has gone to bed he should be able to play. It's wrong he's insulting you online but no he shouldn't be expected to give up gaming completely because he's a father.

I dont want to sound rude but it sounds like your marraige IS over.

He doesnt want to be with you and has said as much just not directly to you but rather everyone else (who are chatting shit about you bigging him up)... he has already decided and checked out on you.

Switch gaming for a female work collegue for instance, if he was spending all his time thinking about her and texting her that he would rather be with her than spending time with you would you think an appology fixed it.

Emotionally he is gone, it might not be to another woman but he has laid his priorities, you are the least of his wants/priorities and you cant make him feel differently.

My DH goes through phases of being addicted to it.

He doesn't play when DSS is here, unless they play FIFA together, but as soon as he goes home, he'll be on it 8 hours a day plus.

Tbh it's annoying but he's got a separate room, so doesn't affect me watching tv etc. Just sometimes it's a lonely life sat on your own all evening.

Rereading that sounds like I could be blaming you, I am NOT I was just explaining and he is an arse but you deserve better than settling for someone whose not in the relationship with you.

It's as if he sees himself as being held hostage by you or that you are his prison guard. Honestly, you (or indeed anyone in a relationship) deserves better than this. Let him go and live his dream life, addicted to gaming with his online buddies that as his family.

It kind of gets in the way or work and parenting, someone has to do those.

This man is an addict. Gaming, clubbing, alcohol, whatever addiction it is, if it's causing a major problem in your life and if he's capable of calling you a bitch... MASSIVE RED FLAG. Menchildren with addictive personalities like this just replace one vice with another. You are bottom of the pile, sad to say

This isn't really anything to do with gaming to be honest, it could be any hobby at all. It's just not on that he's spoke of you in that way, he has zero respect for you.

He sounds immature, I'd expect a teen to behave like this, not a grown man married with a child. Does he work? How can he stay up late playing computer games and function at work? I'd give him an ultimatum, give up the gaming or divorce. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship, if he doesn't want to spend time with you what's the point in being together?

I would dump him. Hes disloyal, immature, unkind and an addict. Hes acting like youre keeping him prisoner, hes put you in position of being his bloody mother.

My ex husband was addicted to an online role playing game and it was just shit to be married to that.
When my partner now started playing WoW I made it clear that i wouldnt stick around unless he was able to keep strict limits on any impact on our life and relationship. Its a common cause of relationship breakdown. For me the fact he spoke about you so horribly would be the biggest issue and I would be wary of accepting that apology as it shows what he really thinks of you. I couldnt come back from that.

You have read what your h thinks about you, Op. Can you live with it?

Somehow I manage to parent , work, clean and still game.

Get rid of the computer then tell him it stays gone or he goes. You are married to a kid

I wonder why the gender reversal is so different. I have a Xbox series X and a computer. My OH plays games only very minimally he's never had a problem with me playing. I encourage him to do his own hobbies like riding his motorbike. I do what's expected of me in parenting , work and household chores. If a partner threatened to leave me or throw my computer away, I'd leave them as it's very controlling.

Small point - "I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC"
Serious question - if his addiction was alcohol, would you encourage him to have a drink? I suspect (hope) you meant 'tolerate' rather than 'encourage', and I'm wondering why you thought you should.

"I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him."
Actually, as has been pointed out by many others here, you can end your marriage for whatever has broken the marriage. Had my husband sent those messages, my marriage would be broken. They demonstrate a clear disrespect for you, and I sincerely believe that without respect, love dies.

And if you were to end your marriage "over these messages" it would be because those messages are the latest in a long line of disrespect and, frankly, contempt. He has been repeatedly and consistently contemptuous of your welfare - the disturbing your sleep in pregnancy, I find that quite shocking.

"our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this".
I honestly think your marriage is beyond 'almost' now :( . His behaviour is unreasonable and has been for a long time. Don't fall for the Sunk Costs Fallacy - just because you've been together for 13 years doesn't mean you have to endure through year 14, 15 16 ...

Hi OP how would you feel if he read your private messages to close friends/family where you complain about him?

People moaning about their partner to others is quite normal. Venting so they don’t say what’s annoying them to their partner all the time.

I would totally end it over this situation OP. He sounds cruel, immature, irresponsible, inconsiderate, mean, lazy, and rude. End it now before he drags you down any further.

@LampLighter414 venting a bit to a friend occasionally e.g. ‘he/she’s been driving me up the wall today’ is one thing. The ‘watching a shit movie with the wife/rather be with you’ is so unkind and disrespectful it’s in a different class.
@Sophie9090 you don’t have to put up with this.

Agreed. I just couldn't look at him the same.

Those messages are disgusting. Are you going to accept his feeble apology? He’s got no respect for you at all!

Is it World of Warcraft? My friend left and divorced her husband over that game - he spent ALL his spare time on it, he'd promise to change and lay off it or they'd go out for dinner /date night then within a week or less he'd be back on there. I only ever saw the back of his head on the pc. It was no life for her, when she cooked dinner in the evening he used to come and grab the plate and take it to the PC and carry on gaming and not even eat with her. Utterly addicted