AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

[Sophie9090]

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

He is an addict. He won't ever change. Just surprised you chose an addict to be the Dad of your child knowing he will always put a new game above his child or you. You may choose to put up with it but unfair on baby who has no choice.

He's meant to love you above all others. It sounds like he doesn't even like you...

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who spoke about me like that.

Immature, disrespectful whining baby. I'd bin him off.

(And you CAN leave a relationship for any reason you want to.)

I would have "moaned" over the clicking keyboard, if it was loud enough to keep me awake; there's no reason for that and it's easily fixed. I read this as he was gaming in the room directly below your bedroom, not actually in the bedroom, so he might not have realised how the noise carried. But if you told him and he continued, that's an issue.

His messages with his friends about you are definitely disrespectful, but also strange. DOES he see you and your relationship they way he's described, but doesn't have the courage to tell you? Or has he lied to his friends, and if so why did he do it and why did he think involving you was OK?

It's not satisfactory for him to say "sorry" and expect that to be the end of it. It's out in the open now; he has to tell you what's going on and answer any questions you have honestly if there's any hope for the relationship. (Also, I would not be happy about the "bitch" stuff and the "the wife" stuff, which feels misogynist to me - I'd be wondering if I really don't know anything about this man, as he's obviously a serious, serial liar whether he's lied to you, his friends, or both).

As others have said, you can end things if you want. But if you want to try to work through things and he's not able to have the necessary conversations and be open and honest, could a marriage counseler be an option, just to get you both talking and keep the discussion on track for a bit?

Yeah would have bounced him out of the house so quick. I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me. Poor OP.

Too many people nowadays, usually men, struggle to grow up and move on from being gaming teenagers. There is nothing wrong with gaming as an adult, but it needs to fit into and around your life and not be your life, when you have other responsibilities like work and family.

If your DH has an addiction, then he could get counselling for it. You absolutely can leave him over this.

If he would rather be gaming than with you, then why would you want to stay with him. He showed no care or concern for you and your health/sleeping when you were pregnant.

It isn't being controlling to want him to spend time with his family and not gaming like a 13yo.

Just wondering who the fuck are the 3% who voted YABU! Anyway the gaming alone would piss me off and talking online when you are trying to sleep.Just No to that.Add in hurtful messages and its abuse clear and simple . I would be making plans to leave, and I dont say LTB very often! HE sounds immature ,selfish and unkind, You deserve better

I agree with this...love isn't enough, you need respect too and he has none for you.

At the least I would separate so he understands exactly the gravity of what he's done. You don't deserve this at all and it'll only get worse. Your son deserves so much better than this, too.

This is how moody, spoilt teenagers vent about their parents to their peers, not how an adult should be describing his wife

Absolutely!

This isn't a marriage. If your husband is calling you a bitch and slagging you off to anyone it's weird, it's not respectful, it's cruel . His apology isn't sincere. No one should have to put up with a shit marriage. I'd end it for sure and would never have put up with it for so long in the first place, I'm sorry that you've had to and hope you can move on and be happy.

It sounds like 13 years of a mainly awful relationship with him and his gaming addiction, and then you chose to have a baby with this man. But, it doesn't mean you have to waste another 13 years with someone who describes you in those terms to his online cronies. As someone else said, you can leave a relationship at any time, there doesn't have to be a reason, however you have two very good reasons, the gaming and the fact he has told others he would rather be hanging out with them than his bitch of a wife. I'd find that hard to forgive and forget.

Do you think you are deserving of so little in terms of a relationship, is that why you stayed so long? You deserve more, anyone would, than this dysfunctional marriage.

Well I am a gaming female my dh games my ds games I would never dream of telling him to stop and your dh has stopped since baby was born as for the messages you snooped and didn't like what you found your own fault they may be strangers to you but your dh has probably gamed with them for years online and became friends, if you want to leave leave no one would stop you and yes you do sound controlling

Did you mean to make it sound like the OP’s fault in your post?

The tiresome gaming defenders are as reliable as ever; criticising the OP for not taking an interest in his totally grown up and not at all juvenile hobby.

He’s an addict. He’s putting his addiction before his family. Would we tell the partner of an alcoholic to start drinking heavily to join in? Or the partner of a gambler to get herself down to the slots STAT? No. We’d tell them to protect themselves from a man whose priority is some code in a screen, rather than his living, breathing real-life family.

Of course you wouldn’t dream of telling your H to stop gaming. You are as addicted as him. And you’ve set your kid off down the same path.

I’d put down the keyboard/controller and pick up a book. There was only one random comma in your whole post.

I think you are being unreasonable because of your double standards. How is it OK for you to discuss him in Mumsnet and yet you don't like him doing the same??

This place. OP is being called a bitch, the husband is acting like a moody teen - but she's the controlling one. Fuck that.

No amount of social pressure to have a partner is worth this shit.

Whats the point in being together if he didn't want to spend time with you? Will things go back that way once you're son is more independent?

I think your marriage is over OP. You just haven't accepted it yet. You have to force your husband to spend any time with you and he resents every minute, wishing he was playing with his friends online. He doesn't respect you or even like you. How could you ever trust him, knowing what he says about you, how he really feels about you. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear but you really deserve better.

Imagine yourself in a years time. Are you sitting alone again while your husband games online, not a care in the world. Are you feeling lonely and sad? Resenting him? Maybe you'll have lost respect for him and won't care anymore. You could be dating again, snuggled up with someone great on the sofa, having wonderful sex and feeling great about yourself. You and your husband could be coparenting fine. He can game to his hearts content when your child is not with him or in bed.

Ask yourself honestly, is this marriage worth it? Does he make you feel loved and content? Can you imagine things really changing?

Best of luck OP, what a horrible situation you're in just now

I wonder why you UTTERLY IGNORED the vile messages the OPs husband has been sending?
Gamers can do no wrong, eh?

How on earth do you think this is the same?

I'm sorry you've had this to put up with. The calling you names online... obviously he was showing off to his mates and thought you'd never know. I think your relationship IS fixable but he is going to have to grow up and really want to. Counselling, maybe? Best wishes.

Been in this position before OP and it nearly broke our marriage. If you can’t stay you can’t stay. He broke you up by prioritising differently, not you. He does sound addicted so if he’s willing to work on that and chooses you over his game then let action speak louder than words. He needs to prove himself to you.

You can end your marriage for whatever reason you choose, nobody is going to come in with a score card and let you know when it's bad enough and send you off the pitch.

I would really struggle to have any shred of respect for this man, given the disrespect he has shown you. It sounds like some kind of mother/teenage son situation which is just off, for me. I'd at the very least look into what your options would be if you were to seperate, and give him an ultimatum that you're willing to stick to. Set out what you need to change in order to stay and give a timescale, and be willing to see that through.

Fast forward ten years til your DC join in with him as it's "normal" and you'll be pulling your hair out, don't let it get there.

Honestly I'd have ended the relationship at the point where he was gaming in the same room that you were trying to sleep in. The fact you were pregnant makes it even worse. I actually think you've been far too nice to him. He's shown you absolutely no consideration. Wanting to spend time with your partner occasionally and wanting a good night's sleep is not being controlling. What a pathetic man child. My partner games and we both like our own space but he'd never knowingly keep me awake with it and we do set aside time for each other. If I was you I'd seriously think about taking a break from the marriage while you think things over, Maybe it will be a wake up call for him or maybe you'll decided you prefer it when he's not there.

You can do so much better