AIBU to be totally pissed with for sending horrible messages about me to his gamer friends?

[Sophie9090]

Hi

I’m really upset with my DH but I’m worried I’m overreacting. Please help!

DH can get addicted to gaming, it’s been an issue throughout our 13 years together, it happens in phases though. He went through a phase of being addicted to an online game, he had to play it every evening and we weren’t spending time together, it made me feel really lonely and unwanted I explained this to him many times, but it always ended up in an argument. His PC used to be in our bedroom when we lived in four flat, and he would play late at night whilst I was sleeping, it was effecting my sleeping so bad, hearing his keyboard And I would have work early, BUT I didn’t moan until he would start talking to people on the game, it would wake me up, I was pregnant and had work the next day, he would do this multiple times.

Anyway he stopped playing it when our son arrived because he had no time to play.

The other day I was using to PC and a message came up saying “is you’re wife still being controlling”, so naturally I checked the messages, and there were loads of messages from my husband bitching about me, things like “I’m watching a shit film with the wife, I can’t come online, would rather be playing online though” , paragraphs saying I am ruining his personal life, calling me a bitch, just loads of messages saying he would rather be online that he hanging out with me.

I feel really hurt and almost like I don’t know him now. I understand gaming can be an addiction and I’ve always tried to encourage him to have time on his PC, but he takes the absolute piss; our marriage has almost ended so many times because of this. But I never thought he Would talk about me to strangers like that, I genuinely love my own company I don’t expect him to spend all his free time with me, but I don’t expect to spend all my free time alone.

anyway the gaming has stopped mostly because we’re so busy with our son, but the messages really upset me! I’ve confronted him and he’s apologised but I don’t believe it’s sincere. I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages but I also just don’t want to talk to him.

Wow op I'm not surprised you're hurt and upset about this, I'd be devastated if my dh spoke about me like that.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want, you can take a break from a relationship at any point.

A relationship should be a partnership of equals. Two people who love, respect and support one another. Who enjoy spending time together, laugh together and enhance each others lives. No matter how your relationship works and what your role is within it. It should be two people working as a team and having some fun together along the way. Do not settle for a relation that falls short of that.

Why can't you end your marriage?

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thinks I'm a bitch for wanting to spend time with my husband.

You know that adult women game too?

Not saying op should take an interest but seriously, open your mind a little bit.

YABU asking whether this is acceptable. No, it's not.

I have an adult son who is a gamer and will play all night and I’m pretty sure he’s sent similar messages about his girlfriend. Chat you probably go along the lines “I have to go now, gf is telling me I need to stop”. Replies from other single gamers would be “don’t let your gf be controlling your life”.

You say he’s stopped now you have a baby, that’s good. At least it shows he’s not addicted. Those saying you should take a break, all you would be doing is letting him get back to the gaming, as you and baby won’t be there. Yes, I’d be hurt, but gaming talk goes like that, but if he’s not sincere with his apologies, then you need to speak again.

How is he generally with you and baby, does he help out?

If my DH spoke about me like that I would leave. The disrespect coupled with his addiction to gaming would be an absolute hard no.

Gaming has a well documented issue with misogyny. True there are lots of female gamers out there too but having spent a good amount of time online gaming a fair portion of these little clutches of men who have dischord channels together are pretty toxic in the stuff they discuss. Generally it’s not a reflection on how they act “afk” but it barely seems relevant in your situation. I stopped playing computer games a while before getting married and with a baby on the way I can’t imagine giving huge swathes of time up to something so meaningless. People have mentioned addiction which is very real as games are literally designed to release dopamine and adrenaline which might be lacking in the day to day but importantly I think this is his problem. I think ultimatums have been made over far less than this in regards to gaming. The fact he was playing in your bedroom whilst you were pregnant and sleeping before work would have been the line in the sand for me. I think you need to draw those boundaries with him now. It’s not even about breaking up with him it’s about communicating what your expectations are. I’m helping a friend with substance and alcohol addiction at the moment and really it works in exactly the same way. He needs to understand the issue before anything changes and might not do that.

Mum of sons here. Your DH is at the level of my 14 year old moaning that he can’t game because he has to come and have his tea. I would be taking action if he was badmouthing me like that to his mates.

His behaviour is beyond pathetic - he kept his pregnant wife awake by gaming at night in the bedroom??? What the hell??

what sort of question is this?

1. why should she take an interest in something she clearly has no interest in? What 1950s wife/CoolGirl bullshit is this?
2. he's clearly addicted. This is like asking the wife of an alcoholic why she doesn't just drink with him
3. how does her interest or lack thereof in gaming justify him calling her a bitch?

Whoops - my message above was supposed to reply to the poster who asked if OP has ever "taken an interest in his gaming"

This. I can't believe people are suggesting you take more of an interesting in his gaming.

He's a selfish arsehole who is slagging you off to randoms on the internet and who didn't care that some game was more important than his wife and child.

Are you financially dependent on him? If you can leave I would do ASAP.

You sound too nice and accommodating. He’s shown multiple times that he disrespects you. I wouldn’t be happy.

I also play computer games so I don’t think the negative comments about gamers in general or that it’s just for kids are good (not from op but from others)

I’d be out of there. Just the fundamental lack of respect and consideration would end it for me.

I agree with this. You get one life; don't allow others to treat you like shit. You'll be battling this addiction for the rest of your marriage. I simply couldn't be arsed to fight to stay with someone who said those things about me.

'I know I can’t end my marriage over these messages'

Oh, I dunno. I think you probably can. Tbh, I find the notion of grown men being addicted to gaming truly pathetic whichever way you slice it. But he seems deeply unpleasant to boot

Good grief. This would be enough to leave for me. I've been married for 27 years, and it's not all been great but I've never been treated like this OP. He is behaving with such obvious disrespect and scorn! That would do it for me.

YANBU

My ex husband became an obsessed gamer before he left. I know for a fact that he will have been saying similar things about me and it still hurts three years down the line.

Your husband has no respect for you and he loves gaming more than you. I would honestly end your marriage. I'm sorry but he's a dickish man child and you deserve far better.

You absolutely CAN end your marriage for these horrible messages. They show a total lack of love & respect.

Totally agree that you can leave the marriage at any time, I hope you don't feel trapped OP.
I would be telling him that HE needs to be the one to leave and only when YOU are ready to, will you then discuss potentially him coming home (if you want him to) and what that would look like if he does (professional help for his addiction, marriage counselling etc).
He clearly has an addiction and simply put, you cannot help someone that doesn't want it or see an issue in the first place.
Put you and DS first, you deserve better OP 💜💐

It’s not the gaming that’s an issue, it’s him being an arsehole.

I love world of Warcraft. I play it most days. WITH my SO, when we’re not together. We quest with mutual friends. We enjoy looking at the scenery together. Sometimes I play a different character alone, because I love the game, but I know how to prioritise. I love my DD more. I love real life more than the fantasy I play with.

He is clearly treating you & your family as secondary to his hobby and it wouldn’t matter if the hobby was weightlifting or gardening or crochet, your family needs to come first. He’s being selfish.

He doesn’t respect you so respect yourself and leave him if an ultimatum doesn’t work. Or even if it does.

Wow @TeaWithFlorence I am so sorry, I had no idea that adult women like taking part in on-line games. Thank you so much for opening my eyes and mind to this 😂

Actually, what I meant by my comment was that maybe a 15 year old girl wouldn't know yet what her preferences are when it comes to recreational pastimes, or how she wants to make her living, or whether it is important to feign an interest in one's partner's hobby, addiction, Raison d'etre.

As I am a woman in my 60's now, I learnt a quite painful - or at least very boring - lesson some years ago, that if I was too polite and accommodating in relation to my partner's 'interest', I would end up spending many hours listening to his experiences with it, watching it, being bored silly by it, etc, so I sort of hope that an adult woman does not need to be asked:

"have you ever taken an intetest in his gaming?"

Therefore my slightly flippant answer was

"As OP insn't 15, probably not".

Now, I admit that I did make the assumption that the OP isn't 15, given the background she gave us, so I will apologise if that assumption was wrong.

May I just add something to this - although if you have seen any of my response posts before, you probably already know that I can waffle on for ages about irrelevant things, so your answer may be no! By the way, I wonder where the phrase "waffle on" comes from? I will have to try and find out later 🤭

Anyway, I happen to love very much a highly intelligent male and female couple, who spend many hours gaming. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a couple who do not have other responsibilities to anyone else, spending and enjoying as much time as they jointly want, gaming, or doing any other legal activity. Their happiness is the most important thing to me.