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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I am engaged???

152 replies

EngagedRant · 17/07/2022 11:01

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
riversparkle · 17/07/2022 11:02

Well are you engaged or not?

FindingANewLifePlan · 17/07/2022 11:03

'Yes we're engaged, I'm still in the process of choosing my ring but the wedding is booked Grin'

That's literally all you need to say.

easyday · 17/07/2022 11:03

My husband proposed months before we got a ring and no one questioned it (even though his divorce wasn't even finalised). If invites out what's to question?

1smallhamsterfoot · 17/07/2022 11:04

Does it matter?

OwlinaTree · 17/07/2022 11:04

Just say yes, we are, we are getting married! The usual is to announce you are engaged then start talking about the wedding I suppose. You've done it in a different way, it's fine.

Ontomatopea · 17/07/2022 11:04

Aparantly "An engagement is therefore no more and no less than the public (not secret) announcement to marry each other" so yeah I'd just say you were engaged if you're telling people you're getting married.

CatLadyDrinksGin · 17/07/2022 11:05

Engaged to be married- eg planning a wedding. You’re more “engaged” than those with a fancy ring and romantic proposal story but no sign of actually planning a wedding!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/07/2022 11:05

Well, you've not announced an engagement so I'm not surprised that people are confused.

Ontomatopea · 17/07/2022 11:05

FindingANewLifePlan · 17/07/2022 11:03

'Yes we're engaged, I'm still in the process of choosing my ring but the wedding is booked Grin'

That's literally all you need to say.

You don't even have to mention the ring. Just.. "Well yes, we're planning a wedding."

riversparkle · 17/07/2022 11:06

But if she knows she's engaged why is she asking "AIBU to think I'm engaged?"

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/07/2022 11:06

If you've set the date, booked the venue and sent out invitations then you're engaged. It's the lack of an engagement ring that's confusing people - once you get that it will be obvious.

TeapotTitties · 17/07/2022 11:10

I can see how it's a bit irritating but I also think you know what they mean. They just mean 'Oh, have I missed an engagement celebration/announcement' 🤷

TheFallenMadonna · 17/07/2022 11:10

I have no understanding of engagement beyond planning to get married. I am more perplexed by people who are engaged for years with no plans made (although covid exception obviously).

honeylulu · 17/07/2022 11:11

I agree with you. You've agreed you are getting married so you are engaged. That's all there is to it. Even if you weren't going to get a ring you'd still be engaged. (My sister never had an engagement ring as eloped and married abroad but she and her H were definitely engaged, just not publicly announced!)

Some people think an engagement is a very specific thing requiring a proposal, ring and formal announcement but I don't think any of that is actually necessary. My parents griped about me having "such a long engagement ". (It was about two and a half years as we had to save for the wedding and honeymoon.) They were engaged in February and married September of the same year - this was normal in the 60s apparently. But then also remarked that they'd agreed to get married over a year before the official engagement. I said "oh so you were engaged, but unofficially" but they insist they weren't. I don't really get it!

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 17/07/2022 11:13

TheFallenMadonna · 17/07/2022 11:10

I have no understanding of engagement beyond planning to get married. I am more perplexed by people who are engaged for years with no plans made (although covid exception obviously).

Same here. Engaged means engaged to be married. We became engaged when DH proposed and I accepted; we planned the wedding over the course of the following week, booked everything and were married six months later. I cannot see the point of ‘getting engaged’ as an end in itself.

hazelnutlatte · 17/07/2022 11:13

We never formally 'got engaged', we just booked the wedding and sent out invites. I also didn't have an engagement ring - they are not essential! I don't recall anyone asking me if we were engaged or not - surely planning a wedding makes that obvious.
I still don't have an engagement ring and we have been married over 10 years.

ClaryFairchild · 17/07/2022 11:15

You've agreed to get married in the near future and are planning the wedding - that's as engaged as you get!

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 17/07/2022 11:17

You don't have to have a proposal to be engaged but as your wedding is booked I'd say you are! Congratulations

KettrickenSmiled · 17/07/2022 11:18

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/07/2022 11:05

Well, you've not announced an engagement so I'm not surprised that people are confused.

Why would one need to 'announce' an engagement when the wedding is booked & invitations are already sent? What's to be confused about? Are people really this thick?

KettrickenSmiled · 17/07/2022 11:22

btw OP - congratulations Flowers
Not just on your forthcoming nuptials, but on the low-key practicality & above all, mutuality of your decision.

Far too many threads here lately with the would-be bride wailing the she hasn't had her Special Proposal From Her Man. As if it's still the 1950's, & the institution of marriage is solely in his gift ...

CatchingSocks · 17/07/2022 11:23

What @KettrickenSmiled said

RampantIvy · 17/07/2022 11:27

You don't need a ring to be engaged. DH asked me to marry him, I said yes and we booked our wedding. End of story.

I don't much like rings, so I just wear a plain gold wedding band that cost £30 41 years ago.

Original poster
EngagedRant · 17/07/2022 11:28

I think it's pissing me off for a few reasons -
a) it annoys me that apparently society doesn't count it without proposal story or a ring or an "engagement announcement"
b) I suppose I feel slightly scrutinised by people trying to evaluate my situation
c) I'm currently knee deep in wedding industry nonsense and generally getting annoyed at insta-type expectations of the perfect wedding where if you don't tick box A, B, C you "haven't done it properly" and this seems to be another example

OP posts:
Original poster
EngagedRant · 17/07/2022 11:30

KettrickenSmiled · 17/07/2022 11:22

btw OP - congratulations Flowers
Not just on your forthcoming nuptials, but on the low-key practicality & above all, mutuality of your decision.

Far too many threads here lately with the would-be bride wailing the she hasn't had her Special Proposal From Her Man. As if it's still the 1950's, & the institution of marriage is solely in his gift ...

@KettrickenSmiled thank you. I think this also touches on why it's annoying me tbh.
"Oh you weren't proposed to? You don't have a ring? How can you be engaged then?"

OP posts:
SillyBub · 17/07/2022 11:30

I never got engaged as such. There was no proposal; we decided to get married and booked it but kept it a secret until the day when we told the people who were coming to lunch with us that they had to earn their lunch first by witnessing our marriage. No engagement ring, no-one knowing I was planning on getting married until I told them I was. So was I engaged? In the current interpretation of what constitutes an engagement I guess not. 🤷