AIBU to think I am engaged???

[EngagedRant]

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

In the nicest way possible… how do you expect people to know you are engaged without an engagement announcement.. that’s what they’re for!!

Don't worry about it @sjxoxo .
If OP's guests can't work out she's engaged by the fact she's sent the wedding invitations out, they'll be too thick to find the venue, so she needn't worry about "announcing" it.

For those who are not invited, "I'm/we're getting married" will suffice.
Again - if people can't deduce the fact that OP is engaged from that statement, that's their problem, not OP's.

An engagement in a marital sense is the formalising of an arrangement to marry... booking and venue and sending invites is EXACTLY that.

I don't know anyone who didn't announce their engagement first.

It's also nothing to do with "boasting" and everything to do with telling as many people as quickly and easily as possible. But as usual, trust MN to be all snidey and derogatory towards anyone who dares to celebrate anything, ever 😉

Of course you are engaged, you have your wedding set! In fact I would go as far to say that you are more engaged than those people who had the big romantic 'proposal', ring and engagement party who then don't set a date and just stay 'engaged' for years.

It’s expectation bollocks.
you don’t need to be engaged to get married, you can just decide together as adults to get married, you don’t need a pretty at home woman to have her husband ask her father and then give her a ring and then decide to marry. If my DH has wanted to ask my DH I wouldn’t have married him.

you sound like a great relationship surrounded by old fashioned people stuck with ideas of etiquette they followed, which were actually different to the generations before them!

People might just be worried they missed the announcement and therefore haven’t congratulated you

The sniding, coffeecupsandfairylights is coming from the posters who are seemingly unnerved that OP's way of doing things is different. Of course, those of us who refuse to be overtly celebratory, don't see an issue with it, whichever way it is.

Some people feel compelled to comment on every part of anybody else's life. Odd. It really is odd. Why not just accept that people do things differently without needing constant explanation?

I'm amazed that people would find this puzzling. Engagement is nothing more nor less than an agreement to get married. Since you've invited people to your wedding, they should conclude that you and your partner are engaged! Unless they imagine that you might be secretly planning a wedding your DP knows nothing about and hasn't agreed to participate in... 😂

If there was no proposal then there's no engagement in my mind. Engagement doesn't need a fancy proposal or ring but the question, 'will you marry me' does need to be asked.

You don't need to be engaged to get married though so it doesn't matter either way.

But why do you need to tell them unless you are asking them to save a particular date?

Sure, it will come up in general conversation, but I don't understand the purpose of a big announcement unless you're just wanting lots of validation from other people on social media?

Maybe it's a generation thing, and the big announcements are just normal for the Instagram generation? Or maybe it's a social class thing? Who knows?! All I know is that none of my friends or family really bothered with a big announcement, and it seems quite cringe to me when you don't even have a wedding date planned.

@mam0918 Cant be bothered with people who come on to criticise and make a point without reading the thread properly. @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe said that she knows lots of women whose engagement rings lie in a drawer because the wedding never materialised.
Not that rings lie in drawers for other practical reasons.

So what is an engagement in your definition?

The dictionary defines it as a formal agreement to get married. Why does it have to be one person saying "will you marry me" rather than both people saying "let's get married"? I genuinely don't understand why one would constitute being "engaged" whereas the other wouldn't?

What does "engaged" mean to you if it isn't just about both partners expressing a commitment to getting married?

Why are you so snappy? I know women who have rings in the drawer because the weddings didn't happen AND others who choose not to wear one. I didn't think it needed saying as it's a different thing and so many women don't wear their ringts anyway. Your remark to mam0918 is rude. If you can't be bothered then, don't.

I don't think anyone is unnerved, lol.

But if OP didn't want people commenting on what she's done, why did she start a thread about it inviting comment in the first place?!

I read perfectly fine this is the direct quote that I quoted:

'I’m surprised that you know plenty of women with engagement rings in the drawer'

NOTHING about cancelled engagements at all... it seems either you cant read or you cant make an articulate point correctly.

Tell them you were betrothed since you were 9 haha they sound like they are from the middle ages anyway 🤣

Because it's nice to share your good news with your friends and family?
Because most people care when their friends get engaged, get pregnant, buy a home, get promoted or have good things happen to them?

It's not about "validation" or being from the "instagram generation" - it's about celebrating the good things happening in your life and sharing those things with people you care about.

I love when good things happen to my friends - it makes me happy to see them happy, and the quickest way to share those things is via social media.

I ended up with an engagement ring because my mum phoned me and said basically: "everyone is asking about the ring and if you don't have one are you really engaged" so to keep the peace we went and bought a second hand garnet ring.

i actually like my engagement ring but it doesn't go with my wedding ring so haven't really worn it since we got married (7 months after we bought it, 23 years ago) and haven't worn my wedding ring in years either...

But wouldn't it just come up in conversation with friends and family? Why do people need to "announce" it?

I don't really get it tbh, but then, dh and I never really had a "moment" when we suddenly decided to get married, so there wasn't really any need for a grand announcement. We both just knew from very early on that we wanted to be together, and we just sort of assumed that we would eventually get married, talked about it on and off over the years etc. I consider that we "officially" became engaged when we set a date and actively started planning the wedding. Personally, I saw the wedding itself as the opportunity for us to celebrate with family and friends. Setting the date and planning the party were more about logistics than anything else.

Yes we are engaged. We are going to announce it when I have the ring.

Did you tell anyone when you got engaged? If not then I'd be confused too. If I had a friend without a ring who told me she was engaged, there would be no confusion so the ring might be a bit of a red herring.

If I had a friend who hadn't told me she was engaged nor did she wear a wedding ring, I would probably be confused of she was viewing venues and then ask her is she was engaged.

To me it comes down to whether you've told people you're engaged or not

Tell them you're not engaged, but you are getting married. It'll blow their minds 😁

You're engaged! Congrats. My husband and I never had a romantic proposal story either. We just started planning a wedding and then about 5 weeks before he bought me an engagement ring. No fuss, just the way I like it!

The OP has already invited people to her wedding. Would you really be confused?

But wouldn't it just come up in conversation with friends and family? Why do people need to "announce" it?

Because it's the quickest and easiest way to announce it.