AIBU to think I am engaged???

[EngagedRant]

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

@coffeecupsandfairylights
*I would be confused because I don't know anyone who hasn't announced their engagement before sending out the invites.

I don't know how many times I need to say it, lol.*

OK, fair enough.

My most recent friends to marry, I found out about their engagement when we got a "save the date" card in the post. (Maybe this counts as an announcement for you? We got the actual invitation, with menu choice form, time of wedding as well as date, months later)

The last friends before that, I found out when they asked us if we'd be able to attend their wedding (we'd just moved abroad) as if we definitely couldn't come, they'd invite someone else.

The couple before that, we were part of several conversations about planning the wedding. So they must have told us they were engaged. But I don't remember any specific announcement.

I can see that it could be a thing for people who socialise differently. If your circle keeps in touch over something like Facebook or a big WhatsApp group, where it's normal to send a message to everyone at once, I can see it would be very practical to announce to everyone "We've decided to get married!"

It's a very weird question from OP's mum though, who is invited to the wedding so knows it's due to happen, and presumably has been involved in discussion about it!

My teen would call that a you problem!
I re-married 3 years ago, so not totally out of date on The Wedding Industry.

(a) Nobody questioned my lack of ring. “Congratulations- let’s see the sparkle then? Oh you’re not having one? Makes sense, you don’t wear jewellery.” So I don’t think you can extrapolate your experience to “Society”

(b) maybe stop caring what others think?

(c) - see (b)! In my planning I didn’t give a shit what anyone might think should be done.

It sounds like you’re bringing this stress on yourself!

This makes no sense whatsoever. Based on your definition, how would anyone get married without being engaged? I'm sure they've asked each other if they'd like to get married before booking their wedding.

OP, honestly it doesn't matter, although you seem to have a lot more confused friends and family than we had.

Marriage for us was always just a conversation we'd have occasionally as we would when chatting over anything that we planned for the future. So in the early days we'd ask each other where we'd like to go out Friday night, then progressing on to planning a holiday a year in advance as the relationship progressed, then we talked through wanting children, where we'd like to live in future, career plans and marriage. And not talking big deep conversations, just as topics came up. We might have gone to fancy hotel and commented about it being a great wedding venue- but we'd talk in terms of WHEN we get married, it'd have to be somewhere bigger than this because of the size of your family, etc. So we have just always known from a certain point in our relationship that we want to marry each other. I don't get 'proposals': either they're a huge surprise and you didn't know your partner was wanting to marry you (not sure I'd want to be in a long term relationship where I was unsure if my partner saw marriage in our future) or you've both talked about it, both know you want to get married, but there has to be some big grand gesture at a time (almost always) chosen by the man.

A friend of mine went shopping for engagement rings with her partner, pointed out one she liked, left the shop while he bought it, then waited until he decided to propose one evening in a restaurant and so then announced their engament- now THAT I just don't understand (but obviously said nothing but congratulations)

Anyway, back to your situation- one day in the pub, we were chatting about our finances, planning on booking holidays, thinking about when we thought we'd move house, and I said "we've got £*, shall we get married in the next year or so" and that was it. I'd never call it a proposal because I knew he wanted to marry me. Now he might have said, "Actually, I'd rather we use the money for (whatever) and get married in 2-3 years" then we'd have talked that through and I wouldn't have been upset or thought he'd rejected my 'proposal'.

We told very close family we were looking at wedding venues for 10 months time, to get their ideas. And then sent 'save the date' messages to about 100 people once we'd got it booked. I literally got one comment of 'Did I miss an announcement?' from a friend thinking they'd missed our engagement announcement. No other comments - so it sounds like you've been unlucky with how many people want to have an opinion.

Engaged simply means you have agreed to be married.

No ring or stagey proposal required.

Yes, you are engaged.

This is lunacy, a wedding date announcement covers announcing the engagement if you didn't tell them before. Among those I've known, big engagement events were all the rage for those who over-committed in their 20s and later divorced (or never got to the marriage in a few cases). Most of us settled a bit later in life and more quietly. We went to the pub for one couple, who announced we were all in their wedding reception as they'd eloped the week before, then rolled out lots of champagne. Nobody got remotely confused, we just got drunk and had a good party.

Oh and I didn't have a ring at all. Can't even remember if anyone asked, but if they did, I'm sure I responded that I don't really do jewellery as I always lose it, and that if WE'D* spent money on an engagement ring, I'd have much rather had a holiday instead.

*we'd been together 6 years and had a mortgage and joint finances by then, so it would have come out of our money.

You are rude and you're not able to debate your point but if you think that was a 'telling off' then it's best that I just scroll on by your posts. I ignore anybody who @'s me anyway.

I would be confused because I don't know anyone who hasn't announced their engagement before sending out the invites.

Announced it how? For some people, it’s not “proper” unless it’s in The Times. But that would be regarded as super old fashioned by the social media set, who prefer to post an “announcement” on Facebook. Most of my friends don’t use social media in a big way, so would have sent a text or email….or just told me when they saw me.

Times have changed; people differ. Presumably you’d think someone was a bit odd if they were surprised that you were engaged because they hadn’t read about it in the “Marriages” section of the paper?

Tell them it’s none of their business 😂the people having conventional proposals are few and far between these days. Who cares if you have a ring ?? Does it actually matter. If I don’t wipe my backside after I’ve gone to the toilet does it mean I didn’t 💩 NO. People these days, honestly 🙄

Well I’ve been engaged for around 7 years and have no wedding plans 😂im 30. Only ever been to 1 wedding (recently) my parents were never married. Marriage to me is irrelevant personally maybe because it’s just not something I’ve had much connection with in my life. In my opinion, Being married will not magically make me commit any more than not being married. Plus it is veryyyy expensive and we would rather spend our money on things that improve our lifestyle. we also recently had a child so of course would rather spend any money on her than something which will make no change to our relationship! I don’t go around telling people I’m engaged so it’s not like there is a big anticipation for a wedding. It’s just not
something on our agenda. For those wondering why we bothered getting engaged in the first instance I guess that was a gesture of love and commitment. Maybe one day we will get married. maybe we won’t. But that’s my long engagement story 😊

You can call yourself "engaged" if you like, but personally, I don't really think you are engaged if you don't really have any intention of getting married.

Totally fair enough if you don't want to get married, I understand why it might not be for everyone. However, I don't consider "engaged" to be a relationship status in and of itself. You are engaged to be married, so if you're not actually planning to get married, you're not really engaged. You just have a ring that symbolises your commitment to each other.... which is lovely, and if you're happy, that's all that matters.

Im 31 and got engaged when I was 28. Had a romantic proposal, gorgeous ring, I'm very active on social media (especially Instagram). I never 'announced my engagement'. I told best friends and all family over the phone I suppose but I didn't feel the need to announce or tell anyone else. I remember someone who I was friends with but not super close to noticing a ring on in a picture I posted and she said something along the lines of 'Congratulations didn't realise you had got engaged'. I don't think it's normal to announce an engagement. I think people just think it is because social media has spread it like wild fire. Like gender reveals and babyshowers. Currently 13 weeks pregnant. Also won't be 'announcing' that on social media. Assuming sooner or later people will notice I look a bit rotund or spot a baby.

Yes, I get that it's the quickest and easiest way to announce. I just don't understand why you need to announce it at all until you have a date for the wedding that you want to keep free.

Nobody says you need to announce it....but if my friend or family member got engaged I'd find it strange that they hadn't told me or mentioned it before an invite arrived

If I got an invite to a wedding where and I hadn't been aware the couple were engaged or planning to marry, I don't see how they could take offense to a question such as "oh are you engaged?" Or "wow, I hadn't even realised you were planning to get married". Once they had confirmed I'd just congratulate them and move on

If OP hasn't told her closest family and friends, I'm not sure she can be offended if they politely ask?

Please can anyone outline a plausible situation in which you get a wedding invitation but the answer to "oh are you engaged?" would be anything but yes. Are you friends with the kind of people who set up weddings without the consent of both parties? Do they drag the other one in blindfolded and hope for the best? Hope their family don't mention it before the big day?

That's it. Regardless of what the norm is in your world, it's a daft question in this situation.

Erm, "engaged" means "having formally agreed to marry".

You may well be committed, devoted, pledged, dedicated... but you're not "engaged" if you have no intention of getting married. That doesn't undermine your relationship, it just - doesn't mean the thing you want it to mean... Getting engaged isn't "a gesture of love and commitment", it means "formally agreeing to marry".

It seems that there is a certain subset of people who view "being engaged" as a relationship status in its own right - perhaps a bit like some kind "marriage lite" - rather than simply being an agreement to change the status of the relationship at some point in the future by actually entering into marriage. As such, they consider the engagement as an event in itself, with its own rituals and ceremonies, to be announced and celebrated by their families and friends. And actually, it matters very little as to whether they actually have any intention of getting married further down the line.

I've always just seen an engagement as an agreement between two individuals to get married, so I'm really struggling to understand how anyone could ask if a couple who have sent out wedding invitations are engaged because it seems self evident that they are. However, if the engagement isn't really viewed as a private understanding between two people but rather as a public declaration of commitment that may or may not be followed by marriage, then it makes more sense as to why people would expect it to be announced and why they would make the claim that it's possible to get married without first being engaged.

I like the somewhat Austin term 'to have an understanding'

The two of you have a mutual understanding that you will get married therefore you are engaged. Some people like big proposals and treat 'being engaged' as a relationship status in its own right others have more of a low key 'mutual understanding' personally I prefer the second approach but it does take all sorts.

People asking if you're engaged after you've discussed wedding plans / invited them are being weird to my mind.

Agreed. I'm definitely a fan of the Austen-style understanding rather than the grand proposal, but each to their own!

Lots of people do NOT live like this.

Elopements are massively common and many more people wished they did.

Many people do NOT announce pregnancy (a new trend now is to not anounce until birth - my friend just did this, announced when DD got out of the NICU at a month old, we had no idea and only immediate family was told).

I got flack for not announcing until the second trimester by people who think like you but after 9 years TTC (which I never announced) IVF (which I never announced) and previous MMC (which I never announced) I was in no hurry to let people into MY private medical journey.

3 people I know have done what OP did and just booked a wedding... the people I know did a registry office date with just the minimum 4 weeks time notice required with no pomp and then just had a party in a club after.

They are still just as married as someone with a diamond ring, big white dress, £10k down and stately home venue.

Its no one elses business what going on in OPs life and not everyone enjoys parties and being the center of attention, many actually HATE it.

I got cut off before the end (wish there was an edit button lol):

Its very telling that your post is all about YOU and how YOU feel about other peoples lives not a thought for what THEY want to choose.

"Announcement" 😩

I'm well aware people live differently.

All I've said is that amongst my circle of friends and family, it's entirely normal to announce big events on social media - weddings, engagements, pregnancies, gender scans, graduations - it's normal for the people I know.

It's also interesting that you assume all those people go on to spend 10k on white dresses and huge parties. I announced my engagement on social media and my wedding was me, DH and our parents at the local registry office, followed by afternoon tea. It cost less than £500, including our outfits!

Of course it's about me because it's MY experience, lol.

Just as your experience is all about you.

It seems that there is a certain subset of people who view "being engaged" as a relationship status in its own right

You've hit the nail on the head here with what's going on, I hadn't seen this as clearly. Absolutely correct. This has actually helped temper my annoyance a lot because I'd not really understood it this way before!

Although enormous snort out loud at the poster who suggested replying - No! I may do this now to the next one who asks and will report back