AIBU to think I am engaged???

[EngagedRant]

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

Just tell them what colour toaster you'd like😂

DH proposed in June (many years ago)
We booked the church and caterers having told our parents.
We chose the ring and had it altered.
We announced the engagement in early December when I was able to show people the ring, and with a tinkly laugh say "yes it's all organised and the wedding will take place on x".
Sent the invitations in early May; wedding was early July. None of this save the date nonsense.

I am pleased to not that DS and future DIL have gone about things similarly.

Yes, I get that it's the quickest and easiest way to announce. I just don't understand why you need to announce it at all until you have a date for the wedding that you want to keep free.

An engagement isn't an event in itself, it's just a decision to get married. The wedding is the opportunity when you can celebrate with friends and family.

But they have announced it? Unless they've sent out weirdly cryptic wedding invitations.

The invitations I've had have been of the format
"You are invited to the wedding of
Jane and John
on the 1st of March 2020
in Littletown"

So by sending out invitations Jane and John are announcing their engagement to be married.
Why would you be confused?

I never got officially engaged, don't have an engagement ring, but as soon as we booked the wedding I considered myself engaged

We decided to get married. No ring (I didn’t want one). We would say to people “we are getting married!” I never used the word engagement. The whole proposal with a ring concept is really outdated to me.

Its been a long time but I can’t remember anyone being puzzled?

Because it's nice to share when good and happy things happen to you!

I would be confused because I don't know anyone who hasn't announced their engagement before sending out the invites.

I don't know how many times I need to say it, lol.

Me too!! Engaged = have decided to get married.

Though in my world, it is followed fairly swiftly by actual concrete plans for the wedding. I have never understood the concept of an engagement party to which you invite people in advance… though “we’ve just got engaged, come round and have a few drinks to celebrate” makes sense.

You're actively planning to marry each other.

You're engaged.

Just say "yes. The wedding is on x date at y venue."

This!
Lots of people see engagement rings as a waste of money.

OK, but what if nothing has exactly "happened" to you? What if you are in a committed relationship where neither of you doubts the other's commitment, and you both just know that you are going to get married without the need for any big proposal. Then, between you, you have a conversation about when would be a good time to celebrate your commitment to each other with friends and family, so you look at your respective diaries and choose a date. Nothing has "happened" that needs to be announced.

Of course, I get that it's different if you're in a relationship where you're not so sure about how the other person feels, and so you have to wait for them to "pop the question" or work up the courage to ask it yourself. I get that it might feel more like an "event" in and of itself in that scenario. I just assume that most people are a bit more secure in their relationships by the time they decide to get married, but I could be wrong.

I would literally reply - I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean? And let them explain that they don't understand what "being engaged to be married" means ...

Are you always this easily confused?

I get that you don't know anyone who hasn't announced their engagement before sending our wedding invitations, but would you really be confused about whether someone was engaged if you just received the wedding invitation without a prior announcement? Wouldn't it be obvious from the invitation itself that they had agreed to get married, which is all being engaged means? What is there to be confused about exactly?

It sounds like you have very rigid expectations about how things should be done, and you get confused if someone doesn't fall in with those expectations? Maybe time to respect the fact that people like to approach things in different ways?

OP I was never "engaged" either.

After 12 years together, we decided on children so I booked the wedding.

There was no proposed or ring (that came decades later for a big anniversary).

Are you engaged to be married - of course you are. You don't need a ring to tell you that.

You mean he didn’t parachute into your workplace, invite all your friends, a local male voice choir and serenade you with 1000, roses singing you raise me up, while your friends film it for likes. #sothisjusthappened #shesaidyes! ❤️ ❤️ Ps don’t put on weight bff’s need my photos perfect….. #nofattyphotos

I'd be ruthless and declutter people who asked such a witless question from my life and guest list.

I also never had a big, fancy proposal. We agreed to get married.

Somehow, after an actual wedding that real people came to, we appear to be married.

Weird, that.

(I do have an engagement ring. But so does he.)

Anyone who's "confused" really needs to get out more.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and @mam0918 If you think I’m being snappy and rude you have led very sheltered lives. I did read the thread correctly and I don’t need a telling off from @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe who is now contradicting herself in order to win points on an online thread. Yawn.

Engagement rings have only been a thing that everyone does since the mid 1900s. It is mostly a marketing ploy to sell diamonds.
I would say that the intention to get married is the most important part of being engaged.

Why the need for all the insults?

I'm just giving my experience, but so far I've been called thick, cringe, smug and now "easily confused".

I do understand that by sending out wedding invitations, that means they're engaged, but in my experience, that's now how people do things. What's the issue with that, exactly?

People are allowed to have different experiences, and I've given mine. I haven't insulted anyone, I haven't called anyone thick or cringe or stupid. My experience is clearly not your experience, which is fine, but there's no need to throw insults at me for it.

I haven't called you thick or stupid or smug. I have said that I think big announcements on social media are a bit cringe, but that wasn't directed particularly at you.

I don't think it's insulting to suggest that you're easily confused when you yourself have indicated that you would be confused if you received a wedding invitation without first having heard the announcement of an engagement. Most people really would not find this confusing tbh. I can only assume that it's because you are used to only one way of doing things, perhaps because of the circles that you move in. Most of us are quite used to the idea that different people choose to do things in slightly different ways, hence we are not easily confused by people doing things that are slightly outside what we might consider to be "the norm".