AIBU to think I am engaged???

[EngagedRant]

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

dh and I decided years ago that we'd get married but didn't actually get round to it until 15 years later. I didn't count those 15 years as 'engaged' it was more of a private commitment with all our decisions being made in the context of our intention to be together forever. Then one year we decided 'enough faffing' and just got on with it and booked our wedding. The wedding ring I'd chosen had diamonds in it so I didn't need / want another ring.

Ten years later I lost my lovely wedding ring. dh made me a new one, but of course it was a plain band. So we then went and chose a ring with some pretty diamonds to go with it. I joke that we got engaged 25 years after we met, and 10 years after we were married

She isn't spot on and it's part of the issue that OP is having. People who think as you do can appear to be sneery because, 'where's the POMP?'. The pomp has nothing to do with marriage and I know plenty of women who have engagement rings in the drawer, the wedding never having materialised for whatever reason.

The fairytale engagement is anathema to many and we didn't/don't want that. It doesn't require questioning or wide-eyed astonishment either.

I've been married twice but never had the 'romantic' surprise proposal. We just decided to get married - not idea when or how, and got the ring at some point afterwards. No one ever questioned it.
I think the simple that the question at face value answer is best 'yes, we're planning the wedding'. THAT is being engaged - much more so than a ring or a romantic proposal.

Being proposed at is my idea of a nightmare. Between my partner and I, we decided we wanted to get married, booked somewhere and sent a save the date. No ring, no engagement announcement (“she said yes” platinum solitaire gush gush gush), no hen do. We wanted to get married! No one asked but if they had said “are you engaged?”, I would have replied “we’re getting married” (on repeat, for however long it took).

Equality is absolutely important but men are often less involved anyway so it's quite important that he's as committed to the marriage as the woman (realised I'm assuming this is a hetero relationship, which it may not be).

But they are engaged, they just haven't done some smug facebook announcement.

Presumably they've told people they're close to and see regularly because it will come up in conversation

"Men are often less involved"? Less involved in what sense?

How can you be 'less involved' if two people decide to marry each other?

Her mum asked her. Unless they'd kept all the plans secret from her until yesterday, I think it's more than just "oh, so you're getting married are you?".

Quite!

I don't think "most people" announce their engagements at all. Maybe the type of people who go for a big staged proposal do like to boast about it all over social media, but most people I know would find that a but cringe.

I have generally found out that my friends are getting married either when I've received the wedding invitation or when they've just been chatting about it. No big announcements!

I’m the same. Small wedding booked, no engagement ring, no engagement story (just talked about it together and decided) and have invited people. No one is hassling me about whether I am engaged or not - thankfully. But I guess I am!

In what way are men less involved?

Surely, a man is just as involved in the marriage as the woman? How could it be otherwise when they are married to each other?

Or are you talking about men being less involved in the wedding planning? I expect that's often the case, but that's just a day, isn't it? Not really the main event.

I think the people who are overly focused on the big staged proposal are probably the ones who are more interested in the wedding than the marriage.

I don’t see that you HAVE to get engaged to be married.

I always thought that an engagement meant that you were intending to marry. If the wedding is booked then that is surely a more obvious sign of intent than "being engaged". So yes OP you are engaged, you just don't have the ring and proposal story that every one wants to see/hear.

Being engaged just means that you have formally agreed to get married. If you are planning a wedding, then you have formally agreed to get married, so you are obviously engaged.

Being engaged doesn't require a ring, a proposal, an announcement or any other grand gesture.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you. I think this also touches on why it's annoying me tbh.
"Oh you weren't proposed to? You don't have a ring? How can you be engaged then?"

"As I said, we're getting married, hence we are, by default, engaged. I cba with a ring & most of the nonsense, do you have any other searingly insightful observations to impart, or - as I'm not marrying YOU, can I just have the wedding I want without you shoving your opinion into it?"

Maybe not, but ... societal expectation & unthinking ritual can be maddening ....

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I’m surprised that you know plenty of women with engagement rings in the drawer, most people don’t know any or one or two women at most.What do you mean about POMP, couples don’t get engaged for reasons of pomp and circumstance they get engaged to tell the world they are planning a wedding. I had a low key engagement and I know couples who just went ahead and sent out their invitations without a prior engagement. The OP is behaving in a perfectly normal way by not having an engagement ring if she doesn’t want one but there are clearly issues about the wedding bothering her if she’s getting so upset by what sounds like normal questions

In the nicest way possible… how do you expect people to know you are engaged without an engagement announcement.. that’s what they’re for!!

Im assuming your partner and you have actually had a discussion and both agreed to get married… I’ll be honest from your post it doesn’t mention much about your partner!!! X

You've discussed it and agreed you both want to get married, and booked a wedding

I'd say that's the definition of 'engaged to be married' 😅

Tell people yes and ask if they got their wedding invitation 😂

Why are people confused? You don’t need to be engaged to get married

OP I understand. But at least you weren’t asked (after a 22 year long relationship) WHO you were marrying - by his NIECE who has called me her auntie since we met when she was four years old. 😂 She did go on to say congratulations but just couldn’t believe her ears I guess! I agree with others that some people make such a song and dance about the engagement part (having parties etc, which is fine, but it’s also ok to not) that some people expect a massive thing about getting engaged as well. I would just laugh and say “well yeah, we have a date for our wedding so I’d say we are pretty engaged!! You silly moo” and leave it at that. People say stupid stuff all the time. One man said “oh dear, oh dear, what a pickle” when I announced my first PLANNED pregnancy. I laughed that off too but it did peeve me a bit.

Very odd. I suppose I was engaged, given that XH and I agreed to get married. It didn't merit an announcement, though (and that's not because he was a bellend).

My engagement ring is on the book shelf because the prong has snapped 3 times and Im sick of getting it fixed (stupid white gold, why did no one warn us its such a soft metal).

Most women I know dont wear their engagement ring because its inpractical, uncomfortable, risk of damage or they actually can't for work - its REALLY not unusual at all.

@sjxoxo She doesn’t have to talk about her husband to be to be getting married surely? If she’s getting married I’m pretty sure she’s discussed it with her fiancé and seeing as they have a date it’s safe to say they’re engaged. I don’t go on and on about how much I adore my husband to be (I do) because I find that kind of thing quite cringe for others to listen to.

Jeez, it's nothing to do with doing "some smug Facebook announcement"

FFS, why is MN so derogatory towards anyone celebrating an engagement these days? It's such a weird phenomenon that only seems to exist on here.

I don't personally know anyone who just got married without getting engaged and announcing that engagement to their friends and family - and yes, it was mainly via social media as that's the quickest and most convenient way to get the message out to everyone.

Announcing your engagement on social media doesn't make you "smug".