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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I am engaged???

152 replies

EngagedRant · 17/07/2022 11:01

I know I'm not, so this is more of a rant.

Been with DP a decade, always planned to get married, other life stuff got in the way, then covid. Earlier this year we thought, maybe let's go for it this year.

Looked around a few venues, booked one, booked registrar, invited everyone, wedding is later this year. Great.

But - because we don't have a consumerist wedding industry style romantic proposal story, and I haven't got a ring yet (I'm choosing it!) people seem confused. The number of times I've been asked - by people actually coming to the wedding - "so, are you engaged then?" <confused tilty head>

It's starting to really piss me off.

And whats probably prompted my rant is that even my (usually very sensible) DM asked me this question yesterday! Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

What is going on?? What on earth do I say when asked this ridiculous question??

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Svara · 17/07/2022 11:30

CatLadyDrinksGin · 17/07/2022 11:05

Engaged to be married- eg planning a wedding. You’re more “engaged” than those with a fancy ring and romantic proposal story but no sign of actually planning a wedding!

This!

justfiveminutes · 17/07/2022 11:30

I might ask this question because I'd be worried id missed an announcement and hadn't properly acknowledged your engagement.

You've gone about things in a slightly unusual way so just own it and accept that people will ask.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/07/2022 11:32

You just say yes. That's really weird though.

Ameliarosethistle · 17/07/2022 11:34

You obviously are engaged if you have a wedding booked.

Do you think that maybe your relatives/friends are wondering whether it's just you that's the driving force behind the wedding and that your DP isn't committed enough to actually propose (ring or no ring) and that that might lead to the wedding becoming cancelled further down the line or to your DP not being fully involved in the marriage? I'm sorry but I think that might be something I would wonder in the same situation.

bloodywhitecat · 17/07/2022 11:36

I had no engagement ring when we got married. A couple of months later I did get an eternity ring and I wore it on top of my wedding ring. You don't need a ring to be engaged nor do you need a big announcement, we just decided to get married, booked a date and invited a few people to the wedding. Job done.

HeadNorth · 17/07/2022 11:36

hazelnutlatte · 17/07/2022 11:13

We never formally 'got engaged', we just booked the wedding and sent out invites. I also didn't have an engagement ring - they are not essential! I don't recall anyone asking me if we were engaged or not - surely planning a wedding makes that obvious.
I still don't have an engagement ring and we have been married over 10 years.

Same for me & it is getting on for 30 years married now! I don't think it matters does it? I don't know if I every considered myself 'engaged' or gave it a second thought - we were getting married and I think that is clear enough in itself.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/07/2022 11:45

World is going mad, lol. So someone who has a fancy ring, insta pics and a romantic lurve story, but no actual wedding plans, is engaged, but you are not? Sounds like people today are forgetting what engaged actually means… You know you are engaged, and you know YANBU!

SiobhanSharpe · 17/07/2022 11:46

In a similar vein, people who say 'We're going to get engaged on my birthday/at Christmas etc' as if they're absolutely not engaged until then, even though they have clearly agreed to marry.
It's as if it is a thing in and of itself, completely separate and nothing to do with preparing to spend your life together. Weird.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/07/2022 11:48

Why would one need to 'announce' an engagement when the wedding is booked & invitations are already sent? What's to be confused about? Are people really this thick?

Nothing to do with people being "thick" 🙄

But normally people announce an engagement first, then book the wedding. If I was invited to the wedding of someone who hadn't mentioned their engagement first, I would probably say "oh, congratulations! I didn't realise you were engaged - when did that happen?!"

It's probably just surprised people to be invited to the wedding out of the blue, that's all 🤷🏻‍♀️

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 17/07/2022 11:54

justfiveminutes · 17/07/2022 11:30

I might ask this question because I'd be worried id missed an announcement and hadn't properly acknowledged your engagement.

You've gone about things in a slightly unusual way so just own it and accept that people will ask.

This couple haven't gone about things in an 'unusual way' though. It's the circus pantomime over engagements now that is odd - and extremely mawkish.

OP and fiance are planning their wedding. As PP have said, that is more of a commitment than the insta-faux engagements and 'surprise' announcements.

Not aimed at you particularly as your opinion is just as valid as anybody else's but, when real life people who share your opinion don't keep themselves from making somebody who does things differently, feel badly about it, then that's not on.

Ignore them, OP, carry on with your wedding planning and congratulations.

OooErr · 17/07/2022 11:55

YANBU, wedding's booked, so you are engaged!

queenMab99 · 17/07/2022 11:56

A pp asked if we were back in the 50s, but normal people didn't treat engagement as a thing in itself in the 50s, all this fancy proposal, hen nights and stag nights going on for days, abroad, shopping for a dress with an entourage, makeup artists, huge wedding costing tens of thousands, has only really exploded in real life in the last 20 years. I suppose it is encouraged by social media and TV programmes, but it is so unnecessary.

Calmdown14 · 17/07/2022 11:58

I didn't want an engagement ring (I don't even wear my wedding ring) so we never did the officially engaged stage.
Unless you are young and it marks a commitment it seems a bit pointless. Once you've been living together a decade and your entire lives are already intertwined it just feels a bit silly, to me anyway.

I like your way. It doesn't make it any less committed more that you didn't want the photo op!
Just say 'well as you are coming to the wedding then I think that goes without saying ' and move on

mam0918 · 17/07/2022 11:58

engagement
/ɪnˈɡeɪdʒm(ə)nt,ɛnˈɡeɪdʒm(ə)nt/

  1. A formal agreement to get married.
  2. An arrangement to do something or go somewhere at a fixed time.
Neither definition mentions needing a 'ring'.
Anothernamechangeplease · 17/07/2022 11:59

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/07/2022 11:05

Well, you've not announced an engagement so I'm not surprised that people are confused.

Why would the OP need to "announce an engagement" when they've already invited people to the wedding? Surely it's self evident that they are engaged at that point!!

summerycup · 17/07/2022 12:00

Why is it annoying you so much OP?

TheGoogleMum · 17/07/2022 12:01

Agreeing let's go for it this year sounds like engaged to me!

InWalksBarberalla · 17/07/2022 12:01

I alwaus figured that we skipped the engagement phase - just decided to get married, planned the wedding and got married without any engagement announcement or engagement ring. I guess technically we were engaged when we where planning to get married, I just never needed to use the term.

glamourousindierockandroll · 17/07/2022 12:02

Of course you're engaged.

I don't really understand this thing of 'announcing' things.

AmadeustheAlpaca · 17/07/2022 12:02

@Ameliarosethistle is spot on.

Anothernamechangeplease · 17/07/2022 12:02

Ameliarosethistle · 17/07/2022 11:34

You obviously are engaged if you have a wedding booked.

Do you think that maybe your relatives/friends are wondering whether it's just you that's the driving force behind the wedding and that your DP isn't committed enough to actually propose (ring or no ring) and that that might lead to the wedding becoming cancelled further down the line or to your DP not being fully involved in the marriage? I'm sorry but I think that might be something I would wonder in the same situation.

Seriously?

I would just assume that they are two grown adults who have decided between them to get married. 🤔

Why does the man have to drive the whole thing by doing a bit dramatic proposal that the woman just has to sit around and wait for? Fuck, I couldn't be doing with that kind of relationship at all!!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/07/2022 12:03

Why would the OP need to "announce an engagement" when they've already invited people to the wedding? Surely it's self evident that they are engaged at that point!!

Well, as I said upthread, most people tend to announce an engagement and then book a wedding and send out invites.

Maybe it's just me but I'd be surprised to receive an invitation to a wedding of a couple who weren't engaged yet 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not in a bad way, but just in a "oh, I hadn't realised you were planning a wedding!" kind of way.

mam0918 · 17/07/2022 12:04

I think people are wierd though with weddings.

The amount of people who upon recieving an invite emailed me or upon me asking in person 'are you coming to the wedding?' (haven already recieved virtual Save the Date announcements) responded to asked me 'oh, so am I definately invited?' was baffling.

Several people did this every time the wedding was mentioned for 3 YEARS (yes 2 years where covid postponement but the first year was before covid) including best friends and close family.

WimpoleHat · 17/07/2022 12:06

Er - in what circumstances could you be coming to my wedding and the answer to that question is also no??

That’s your answer! How very odd some people are.

MatildaTheCat · 17/07/2022 12:07

Obviously you are engaged. Historically it had a more legal binding I believe. My uncle was engaged when he met and fell in love with my now aunt in the early 1970s. His fiancée successfully sued him for reneging on his promise. Rings do have a long history in wealthier classes but in no way defined whether a couple are or are not engaged to be married.