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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to this wedding?

221 replies

Artemi · 16/07/2022 19:01

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

OP posts:
Areil · 16/07/2022 19:03

You can’t really complain when you didn’t invite them at all. Sorry.

Carpy88999 · 16/07/2022 19:03

Why would you being married make any difference? You're not joined at the hip now...

luxxlisbon · 16/07/2022 19:05

Surely after planning your own small wedding and not inviting friends due to numbers you can understand the same for other people?
It sounds like your DH is probably just invited as a group of friends rather than having everyone plus someone else.

I really don’t see how you can be so put out by this when they didn’t even make the cut for your own wedding.

alphapie · 16/07/2022 19:05

YABU and how dare your husband message the bride asking if you can come

That's so unreasonable, and rude.

You didn't invite them at all to your wedding

freezingmytoesoff · 16/07/2022 19:06

We're getting married soon and some of my close friends long term partners aren't invited, not because we don't want them there but simply because we don't have the space/budget. It's not personal and our friends understand.

I think YABU, and think it was unfair of your husband to put the bride in that position by asking if you could come!

EmmaC78 · 16/07/2022 19:06

The reason for them not inviting you is the same as the reason you did not invite them so YABU.

blueluce85 · 16/07/2022 19:06

Voted yabu but not because of the reason you said.

Just yabu to expect an invite to anyone's wedding for any reason

PurpleWisteria · 16/07/2022 19:06

It was very rude of your husband to ask. Not polite at all.

chipsandpeas · 16/07/2022 19:07

so you didnt invite them cos it was a small wedding and your moaning you arent invited for the same reason although they have invited your husband but at the time of the invite you werent engaged or married

i cant say i blame them

TruffleShuffles · 16/07/2022 19:08

Why are you so desperate to go to the wedding of a couple you didn’t even want at your own wedding? It was unbelievably rude of your husband to put his friends in an awkward position by asking if you could come.

Electriq · 16/07/2022 19:09

Your thinking way too much into this, especially as you never invited them to your wedding.

I didn't vote because I don't agree with either statements, being married does not mean you get the invite extended to you.

They are having a small wedding and DH is their friend not you, so nothing to do with pissing them off either.

MerryMarigold · 16/07/2022 19:09

I don't necessarily think you offended them. But they are restricted on numbers so just close friends that they know really well I guess.

Gazelda · 16/07/2022 19:10

You had your reasons for not inviting them. They didn't question this.
They have their reasons for not inviting you.

Your DH was rude to question the bride.

How would you have felt if she'd messaged your (then) fiancé to ask for an invite?

LittleOwl153 · 16/07/2022 19:11

I think it depends on the group invited.... if your husband is going with a group of work colleagues whose partners/spouses are not invited then I would have no issue at all.

If they - the groom, your dh and their group of mates are going and everyone else has a spouse invited I can see your issue.

The problem is however that the invites were issued before you were a couple to them so you would not have been included in the numbers which is something more difficult to change now.

If the response to your husband was a blunt as you imply then I do think they have an issue with not being invited to your wedding too.

Thefriendlymoth · 16/07/2022 19:11

Eesh, you kept your wedding small for your own reasons, didn’t invite them (presumably neither reached out to ask for an invite?) and your husband had the gall to message the bride and ask for an invite for you 😳 I definitely think you are taking this personally due to other interactions with OH friends but I fear you may have now given more reason for his friendship circle to view you in a poor light.

DPotter · 16/07/2022 19:11

YABU

they are your DH friends
you don't know them well
you didn't invite them to your wedding

Your DH was rude to ask if you could go - was that off his own bat or at your instigation ?

You choose to invite people you didn't know to your wedding - other couples choose not to. Each is perfectly reasonable.

KatherineofGaunt · 16/07/2022 19:12

I want to say YABU, but I can't vote because it's not because I think you offended them.

YABU because they don't know you and they've arranged their wedding based on x numbers. Just because you got engaged and married within the year between their invitation to your DH and their wedding, doesn't mean they now have to find the extra money and space to accommodate you. If you were invited then perhaps another of their actual friends wouldn't have been, and they've chosen actual friends to fill their small number of spaces.

Just let your DH go and stop hassling the bride.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/07/2022 19:12

YABU but I doubt they are offended to not be invited to the wedding. The weddings been booked and based on numbers, this was decided before as your husband has received his invite. It's really rude to phone and ask if you're invited. I'm sure you can manage a day/evening apart from each other.

ihatethebus · 16/07/2022 19:13

YABU for asking to go. They are trying to keep numbers down. If you have social anxiety why are trying to get an invite??

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/07/2022 19:13

I am shocked you/DH thought it was in any way acceptable to ask for you to come.

YABU.

Whataretheodds · 16/07/2022 19:13

Don't assume you offended them by not inviting them

They are having a small wedding just as you did. They can choose who to invite. They don't know you, you said it yourself.

ilovemyboys3 · 16/07/2022 19:14

Usually I would say that an evening invite wouldn't do any harm as usually it's more the merrier to the party, obviously not to the day if they are restricted on numbers. However, neither of them were even invited to your wedding. How can you expect an invite or be offended when you didn't even include them in your wedding? I would understand if you'd been together for years and you'd been friends with these people as a couple and been on double dates etc but you haven't so you can't really expect to go 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/07/2022 19:14

And just because they know you doesn’t mean you get an invite. Jesus Christ get a grip.

Trisolaris · 16/07/2022 19:14

There is nothing polite about messaging the bride and asking for an invite no matter how you phrase it. It’s an extremely rude thing to do to put someone in the position where they have to either say ‘no’ to the request or pay for an extra person who wasn’t invited.

Dic · 16/07/2022 19:15

Your DH is so rude!

You didn't invite them to yours, if you wanted to go to theirs you should have fitted them in the 25 people you did invite.

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