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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to this wedding?

221 replies

Artemi · 16/07/2022 19:01

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

OP posts:
MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 16/07/2022 19:15

This is crazy! You had a small wedding now they are having a small wedding but that has made you 'insecure'. Now is your security ties up to the wedding of people you don't even know?

loveireland · 16/07/2022 19:16

I think it's pretty rude to have a guest and not invite their spouse. You're not unreasonable to be surprised at this. He maybe shouldn't have asked but at least you now know it's not an oversight or a mistake.

Dic · 16/07/2022 19:16

How was her reply blunt?

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 16/07/2022 19:17

loveireland · 16/07/2022 19:16

I think it's pretty rude to have a guest and not invite their spouse. You're not unreasonable to be surprised at this. He maybe shouldn't have asked but at least you now know it's not an oversight or a mistake.

But the wedding was arranged before the OP was even engaged never mind married.

NerrSnerr · 16/07/2022 19:18

You didn't invite them as you had a small wedding and it wasn't due to them offending you.

Why would you think you've offended them? It's a small wedding. That is all.

It was really rude of your husband to text and ask.

Crazycatlady83 · 16/07/2022 19:18

You didn't invite them because of numbers

They didn't invite you because of numbers

I can't see the problem?

Your husband, on the other hand, was very rude to ask that you be invited!

byejacques · 16/07/2022 19:21

This MUST be a reverse.

and surely no one could consider it ‘polite’ to ask a friend for an extra place at a wedding

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 19:23

Your husband should be mortified at putting them in that position. Getting married doesn't some how mean you should be invited just because he is.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 16/07/2022 19:27

Honestly and kindly, maybe you are overthinking this and getting worried about it unnecessarily.

They don’t have space for you. It’s not personal. Weddings can be very tricky about numbers, budgets and family politics. Don’t waste your energy thinking about it.

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2022 19:29

Yeah. Nice try attempting to restrict the YABU to such narrow criteria that people are less likely to pick it.

YABU because people have to draw the line on numbers somewhere, as you well know having done it so recently. Your DH is a long-standing friend of Anna’s and you aren’t. If you were included it would be at the sacrifice of a friend or family member they have more of a relationship with.

I’ve chosen to drive an 8 hour round trip to a wedding on my own to see a friend married. She didn’t really know my DH. It was my choice to see her married and I was honoured to be invited given the cost per head of a sit down meal etc.

Your DH has to decide whether he wants to see his friend married or not. He was rude to ask if you could go. I think it’s a bit pathetic; you are not each other’s support animal.

Threetulips · 16/07/2022 19:29

I think it's pretty rude to have a guest and not invite their spouse

No it isn’t, unless you’re one of ‘those’ couples that can’t do anything alone and are glued together! We’ve been married 20 years and go to events separately, because we have different friendship groups and different interests. Nothing wrong with that.

Twixxed · 16/07/2022 19:31

YABU but not because they're likely offended. You've literally just planned a wedding that you kept small, so surely you should be able to understand others doing something similar? Basically, their wedding, their rules. Guests lists are a nightmare, as I'm sure you're well aware off.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/07/2022 19:31

So you didn’t invite them to yours at all, but you are pissed off you are not invited to theirs…. And your husband actually asked them if you could come (yikes!), ooft, sooo cheeky!

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2022 19:39

Just because you are petty enough to be offended doesn’t mean you can project that onto them. There is no evidence at all that they were offended or for that being the reason you weren’t invited. Surely if they had been offended then your DH’s invite would have been rescinded.

Also justifying your standpoint on grounds of low self esteem rings hollow Don’t be mean to meeee! I wack confidence. Surely in that case you’d assume you wouldn’t be invited when instead you have displayed a robust sense of entitlement.

Ebonyhorse · 16/07/2022 19:40

So rude your husband messaged to ask.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/07/2022 19:41

Neither - it’s a small wedding. They didn’t invite you in the first place so why would you assume your not being invited has something to do with you not asking them?

you are being way over sensitive

rahjama · 16/07/2022 19:42

I could have been Anna, my wedding 3 years ago was exactly like this.

From my point of view, I don't understand why you would have people you've never met at your wedding. You're paying for them, and they're not gonna add anything to your day because you don't know who they are. The whole concept of +1s and inviting peoples partners is bizarre to me.

If they are having a small wedding, why on earth would they want to fill that with random people you don't know.

I really really don't understand why you want to go either. To a strangers wedding?

notagain91 · 16/07/2022 19:43

I'm sorry lovely but you can't complain when you've not invited them .. Regardless of your relationship status. My DP has lots of mates and 40% haven't got their wives invited.

Blanca87 · 16/07/2022 19:43

Why was there issue with the other friend not excepting you? How did you and your partner meet? How long is the relationship?

RusholmeRuffian · 16/07/2022 19:43

YABVU and your husband needs the work n his manners!

Partypoooooper · 16/07/2022 19:44

Yabu, quite frankly I can never understand why anyone would want a stranger at their wedding anyway.

AllFreeOwls · 16/07/2022 19:44

YABU.

It's okay for you to have a small wedding and not invite them, but it's not okay for them to also have a small wedding and not invite you? Rather a double standard there.

Takingthepmaybe · 16/07/2022 19:44

You didn’t invite them but you expect them to invite you!!

if they didn’t have a problem with you before pretty sure they will now!!

nocoolnamesleft · 16/07/2022 19:44

You didn't want to invite people you didn't really know to your small wedding. Neither do they. Your DH was very rude to ask.

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/07/2022 19:45

What? You didn't invite them to yours, why on earth would you expect a now quite last-minute invite to theirs??

If you'd invited them to your wedding and they'd attended it would have been polite (but not obligatory) of them to extend your DH's invite to you.

But you didn't do that, so of course YABU.