Not invited to this wedding?

[Artemi]

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

“Social unit” - an ikea billy bookcase at a barn dance?

@unname what can I invite you to without your DH? The hen do? Christening? Birthday party? Girls night?

I must be on a completely different planet but I am with the OP and I find it really bizarre that unless it’s a really new partner (less than a year ish) someone would invite one party of a couple to a wedding, I would also either invite them both or not at all and so would most friends/family I know.

I don’t think I have ever been to a wedding where I have known or spoke to someone that is married in a long term relationship and there other half wasn’t there (unless they had declined the invite!)

have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding

If they were not invited to your wedding, it's a bit of a stretch to ask for a plus one for your husband at their wedding.

It's not about offending them, it's that on the list of their friends to be invited to their wedding, you are lower down than other people.

It's not about you, really and your craving for acceptance. Asking them if you could be included, in the face of the decisions you took about your own invitation list, IMHO, is a bit odd.

Surely you understand people having constraints on how many they can invite to their wedding as you did. Which of their friends should be uninvited in order to accommodate you ?

What would you have done if they had asked for an invitation to your wedding? Really, what you would have done in their shoes ?

No, not for all circumstances. Just formal invitations to events like weddings.

The concept is “stupid” for those that just want to make up their own social rules. Or if you think etiquette in general is dumb. Plenty of people do and that’s fine.

It can be very useful though, and many of us enjoy having a way to navigate socially with a common understanding. I like to know what others expect. Sometimes I still deviate, when it suits me, but I absolutely wouldn’t invite you to a cocktail party at my house without including your partner in the invitation. Lunch or drinks with just us, sure. But an event with other couples present, no way.

I can’t imagine this happening in my home country, or most countries on the continent. You were living together when the invitation was received and should have been included.
(At that point it would have been incredibly impolite not to invite Anna and Ben to your own wedding.)

Couples can and definitely should do things independently. But that is for them to work out, not for others to impose upon them. Watching others exchange vows with DH is a special pleasure. I think many people feel this way, and when you don’t invite partners to a wedding you are minimising its communal aspects. To each their own but I understand why it bothers you, OP.

I do think it's bad form to invite someone without their partner (and I would count cohabiting but not engaged couples in that, as long as you'd been together for a reasonable time).

But it's even ruder to message the bride to ask for an extra invite. Sorry!

especially if DH not invited so I’m there like a lemon on my own at an event

Why would you be on your own? If your husband the only person you know?

@unname ooo I totally agree with your points about etiquette!

Can't believe you don't understand the concept of being close friends with people who haven't got a relationship with your partner

No, you did the right thing. You absolutely cannot politely invite just one half of a couple. This is not even debatable.

Of course it is debateable - as this thread alone shows, even if you have no experience outside in the world.

My ds is going to the wedding of someone he was at University with, this Summer. They lived together for 3 years. Did a LOT of living together, and the bride wants the Uni friends there as it was such a significant pert of her life. She hasn't met ds's partner. There are 3 Uni friends going (without partners) to re-form that tight kit group of 4 students who grew up together into adults. Now they are spread across the country they don't see each other much at all but keep in touch over social media. They won't be on their own - they will be with the other friends. Everyone thinks it normal and sensible to be able to invite 3 friends, rather than having to not have them there due to not having the capacity to invite 6 people. This happens a lot when people have a lot of friends.
Maybe you don't have many friends ?

Any event where you don’t invite couples. Lunch, dinner, shopping, girls night, causal drinks after work.

Would you invite a mix of couples but include various halves of other couples anywhere?

I actually can't believe he messaged her. And I can't believe that you're not accepting her answer.

You're not invited.

You choose to have exactly who you wanted at your wedding. Let them have the same.

(And if you invited significant others to your wedding, that's on you. She doesn't have to follow suit just because you did).

Honestly find this really strange that you are annoying you're not invited, when neither of them were invited to yours!! It's a bit entitled and self absorbed isn't.

Etiquette also says the parents pay for the wedding and the bride's family do the inviting. Etiquette traditions aren't relevant any more. You can invite who you want, include or exclude children, have whoever you want in your bridal party, pay for your own wedding, evening do invited only etc. There are no rules or bad etiquette.

OMG YABU!!!
You had a small wedding, your choice. Afford the same to others!!! Who has social anxiety, you? If so, I’d have thought not having to go to the wedding would suit you down to the ground 🤨

I can’t honestly believe how rude you and your husband are.

“SocialUnit” would be a great username

"It's pretty standard etiquette to invite spouses."

That is such an out-dated concept.

+1s have had their day.

Weddings are bloody expensive. Who wants to sacrifice inviting a friend for some random +1.

As for the whole "you're a unit" and don't have your own friends or socialise without being glued to your partner.. for heavens sake!!

I love a wedding without having to worry whether himself is having a good time.

Omg how unreasonable are you..you are not invited to my wedding buy I am throwing a tantrum not invited to yours. Grow up

Did your parents ever say mo to you? You have a huge sense of entitlement and you will find yourself left out of more than just this wedding as other people see it along with the mountain on your shoulder. Usually happens in people whose parents never said no!

Well done for taking the blunt advice on the chin, OP!

Yes. It's about who gets along, not their relationship status.
My work colleagues, invited as a group. Why would their partners need to be there? It's sort of a 'work event' anyway.
My friend group does have a few couples who we are both friends with, so they're invited. Not as 'a couple', as individuals.
Regardless everyone invited sans partner or otherwise will have people they know to chat with.
It would probably be more awkward to invite partners who don't know anyone else. Which, if they're not the socially confident types, would prevent the actual invitee from enjoying the event. Because they're stuck entertaining their partners. Seen this happen quite a bit.

Obviously depends on image. If everyone's partners are invited bar one, then it looks bad. Same if for family invites.. it's 'X and family+kids' but someone else gets a solo invite.

But otherwise... fair game.

I had a 90 person limit on my reception. Some people were invited as couples, where we knew both. Some weren't because of friendship dynamics being a group of women friends so I only invited the women, and some where id never met their partner as it was a hobby group. No one was left without a friend to talk to. If I genuinely had a friend who knew no one else there but me, I'd give them a +1 whether they were single or not

It’s so bloody rude of your husband to call and ask if you can go to the wedding. I’m so embarrassed for both of you just thinking about it. Awful!

Ridiculous. Yabvu

Don't be daft; you didn't invite either of them. Very gauche of your husband to ask them, tbh. Embarrassingly so.

That makes sense to me and I’m sure it worked for your group.