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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to this wedding?

221 replies

Artemi · 16/07/2022 19:01

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

OP posts:
CelluliteAndSparkles · 16/07/2022 20:13

I can’t believe your husband rang and asked.

Morto for you.

OooErr · 16/07/2022 20:13

Kite22 · 16/07/2022 20:04

Like others have said. YWBVVVU to ask them to invite you, but not or the reason in your OP.
Surely, having had a wedding of just 25 people, then it would be even more obvious to you that people can't go on just squeezing one more person in ? How can you not see that ? Confused
People have all sorts of different criteria for who they do or don't invite - I am not sure why you feel so entitled to say their criteria is so wrong it should be changed, just for you. Hmm

Exactly.
Please explain your logic OP.
Maybe you’re a bit miffed that you got railroaded into inviting LT partners instead of people you actually wanted - but you seem to have lots of space anyway?

Why would you expect an invite over someone they couple actually have a relationship with

Lanawashington · 16/07/2022 20:14

Hmmm, reverse?

bluekostree · 16/07/2022 20:14

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants
I've been to about 4 weddings in Ireland where my partner wasn't invited.

SheepingStandingUp · 16/07/2022 20:14

I don't think it's either of your options.

They're keeping it small which to them means people they have a relationship with. DH has autonomy over his own life so can accept and go alone or declare you're inseparable so he won't come without you and neither of you go.
I don't think she's punishing you for not inviting her otherwise neither of you would have got an invite.
Just tell him to go off and have fun. Do something nice for yourelf.

Original poster
Artemi · 16/07/2022 20:16

Ok, so it seems pretty unanimous that I am being unreasonable, thank you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from another perspective so I appreciate it.

I think maybe the reason I'm feeling upset is that I personally would have much preferred to not invite partners I hadn't met, and I did struggle on the wedding day itself due to this, however I was told that you had to invite couples together
It also meant that I didn't invite friends I would have like to invite as I did invite unknown partners instead, as I thought this was the right thing to do

(This is why Anna wasn't able to be invited - we didn't have space for both Anna and Ben and we mistakenly thought it was better to invite neither)

I see now that I was mistaken about who I had to invite to my wedding and that I shouldn't let those assumptions cloud someone else's wedding. Thank you

OP posts:
BadNomad · 16/07/2022 20:17

Yeah you are being unreasonable. You chose to invite people you had never met instead of actual friends. They are choosing to invite actual friends over people they don't know. Their way means they are prioritising friends, whereas your way prioritised strangers.

unname · 16/07/2022 20:18

Once you moved in together you became a social unit and should both be invited or neither.

I don’t think you should take offense though. I doubt it’s personal.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/07/2022 20:18

Gensola · 16/07/2022 20:05

I wouldn’t attend a wedding without DH - nor would I ever dream of inviting a married person without their spouse so I’m going against the grain here to say I’d expect your DH to decline.

This is just so bizarre

DaniRabbity · 16/07/2022 20:20

You didn't invite them at all to your wedding

I really don't think it's the same thing.

Not inviting a couple to your wedding because you don't know them very well simply isn't the same as inviting one half of a couple and telling them to leave their spouse at home.

It's pretty standard etiquette to invite spouses.

If you're not close enough to someone to invite their spouse, just don't invite them at all.

SunshineAndFizz · 16/07/2022 20:20

Wow. Can't believe you made him ask the bride if you could come. No wonder he got a blunt response.

We had a table full of just DH's friends without partners. Numbers were restricted and it was either that or none of them come. They're the ones he's friends with, not their partners we've met once or twice.

surreygirl1987 · 16/07/2022 20:22

You are being SO unreasonable! I can't believe your husband asked them if you could come - how rude!!

WhiskerPatrol · 16/07/2022 20:23

Social anxiety but somehow you were OK with your husband pushing his friends to include you in their wedding after you excluded them both from yours? Give over.

riotlady · 16/07/2022 20:23

I don’t think you offended them, I think they just don’t have space for people they’re not close friends with.

We had a small wedding and only invited partners where we were friends with both of them.

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 20:24

unname · 16/07/2022 20:18

Once you moved in together you became a social unit and should both be invited or neither.

I don’t think you should take offense though. I doubt it’s personal.

What the.. no. They are two separate people.

Badger1970 · 16/07/2022 20:24

If you've got social anxiety, and couldn't face having a large wedding because of it, why on earth would you even want to go to theirs?

And shame on your DH for asking. He's probably damaged that friendship.

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 20:24

Artemi · 16/07/2022 20:16

Ok, so it seems pretty unanimous that I am being unreasonable, thank you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from another perspective so I appreciate it.

I think maybe the reason I'm feeling upset is that I personally would have much preferred to not invite partners I hadn't met, and I did struggle on the wedding day itself due to this, however I was told that you had to invite couples together
It also meant that I didn't invite friends I would have like to invite as I did invite unknown partners instead, as I thought this was the right thing to do

(This is why Anna wasn't able to be invited - we didn't have space for both Anna and Ben and we mistakenly thought it was better to invite neither)

I see now that I was mistaken about who I had to invite to my wedding and that I shouldn't let those assumptions cloud someone else's wedding. Thank you

Yes. And you shouldn't have let them affect your wedding either.

DaniRabbity · 16/07/2022 20:25

If the wedding is that tiny, why are they inviting some bloke who went to school with the bride, and who they don't appear to be close to?

OP, is your husband actually close friends with Anna, and if so how come she and her partner don't know you? (It's rather odd for a woman to be close friends with a man but not know his wife at all.)

If they're not close friends, then why invite the DH at all?

OooErr · 16/07/2022 20:27

Artemi · 16/07/2022 20:16

Ok, so it seems pretty unanimous that I am being unreasonable, thank you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from another perspective so I appreciate it.

I think maybe the reason I'm feeling upset is that I personally would have much preferred to not invite partners I hadn't met, and I did struggle on the wedding day itself due to this, however I was told that you had to invite couples together
It also meant that I didn't invite friends I would have like to invite as I did invite unknown partners instead, as I thought this was the right thing to do

(This is why Anna wasn't able to be invited - we didn't have space for both Anna and Ben and we mistakenly thought it was better to invite neither)

I see now that I was mistaken about who I had to invite to my wedding and that I shouldn't let those assumptions cloud someone else's wedding. Thank you

Who told you this? They were so wrong.

ImAvingOops · 16/07/2022 20:27

Wedding aside for a minute, why are your husband's friends not being welcoming? I think this is the root - you're feeling that it's personal rather than about numbers.
Is your husband being loyal to you, or is he carrying on socialising with people who have made you feel uncomfortable and he isn't addressing it with them?

SheepingStandingUp · 16/07/2022 20:28

unname · 16/07/2022 20:18

Once you moved in together you became a social unit and should both be invited or neither.

I don’t think you should take offense though. I doubt it’s personal.

I'm an individual married to another individual. We might form a family but it's a family made of individuals. The only way we're a unit is in terms of who we're allowed to have sex with. No one outside the unit. He's allowed out the house alone. He's allowed his own friends. He's allowed to have fun alone.

Hiddenvoice · 16/07/2022 20:29

It’s a shame that you didn’t get to have everyone you wanted at your wedding. With your social anxiety, I understand it can be hard to get your voice out there and not to succumb to others wants and needs.
Your dh should go and and enjoy the wedding. After it you could try arrange to go out altogether so you can get to know them better. I understand why you were upset and it’s good you realise that it’s their wedding and they can invite friends without partners.

lastminutedotcom22 · 16/07/2022 20:30

Areil · 16/07/2022 19:03

You can’t really complain when you didn’t invite them at all. Sorry.

Exactly this

LetHimHaveIt · 16/07/2022 20:30

I'm not at all sure you offended them by not having them at your wedding, but you sure as shit have now. You didn't have either of them at your wedding but think they should have both of you at theirs? Absolutely crazy-embarrassing to get your husband to ask if you can come. I'd be rescinding his invitation, too, in their shoes.

Gensola · 16/07/2022 20:31

@ShirleyPhallus why is it bizarre? If I was invited to a wedding and the people didn’t know DH at all, and therefore didn’t invite him, they would not be very close friends at all, would they, because if they were, they’d obviously invite him. Why would I bother going to the wedding of a random vague acquaintance, needing transport, gift, probably drinks money, maybe staying over in a hotel, especially if DH not invited so I’m there like a lemon on my own at an event that’s supposedly celebrating love? 🤔