Not invited to this wedding?

[Artemi]

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

Another thread on MN that doesn't reflect the reality of anything I have ever seen in real life.

Not necessarily the OP, that I can see as a bit of a minefield as circumstances changed and is just well, an awkward sitch. I understand both sides though, as an upcoming bride, I would have included you OP as the now wife of my guest.

But so many PP saying they invite people without their spouses?! Weird, rude and mad. Never, ever seen it. In fact for my small wedding (50) , my great, single friend asked and brought a friend as her plus one so she knew someone else well. Does no one think of their guests and their comfort anymore?

I agree, I'm surprised by the consensus here.

I've only ever personally known of one wedding where some partners weren't invited and people thought it rude. No one said anything and we all got on with it, but it was viewed as rude by guests of all ages. Maybe it's an area thing?! We're quite rural

It sounds as though the recognition of your status as a wife is overwhelmingly important to you. More important than a reasonable and realistic acknowledgment of the situation or the value of your DH’s friendship with the couple.

You might want to reflect on that.

Honestly, unless you're having the biggest wedding with unlimited budget and space, someone will feel slighted/upset/left out. Sadly every event has limits and there will be an A-list.

The thing is, you invited long-term/married couples with partners you didn't know and probably didn't invite other people who you know better than the partners who came. You decided your A-list. They've decided to do something different.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to wedding invites as you simply can't get it right. Mostly the best thing in life is to assume folk are trying their best and not being deliberately nasty, so wish them well and send your husband off with a lovely gift and card. Book something nice to do yourself.

Of course you should have been invited. It's completely normal to invite both partners of a married couple and really weird to leave one out. This thread is bonkers.

And it was totally OK for your husband to ask if you could come as it's so strange not to invite someone's wife (or husband) to a wedding.

And it was totally OK for your husband to ask if you could come as it's so strange not to invite someone's wife (or husband) to a wedding

That may have been true 60 years ago but it certainly isn’t anymore.

If couples are known to be joined at the hip, and spaces are limited then neither get an invite. Much better now I’m not expected to attend where I know no one and slap on a smile all day! Much better to party with friends than husbands propping up the bar whilst I dance.

What? 60 years ago? Still completely the norm in my circles now.

That may have been true 60 years ago but it certainly isn’t anymore.

It certainly is.

Recently both DH and I have been invited separately to weddings

No, the OP said they had to invite partners and as a result didn’t get to invite people she actually liked.
Anyway OP people are being harsh banging on about it being rude to ask.
I don’t think it’s rude in general. But because you didn’t invite Anna and Ben to your own wedding they will probably be a bit ??? at you asking to be added. There won’t be catastrophic repercussions as people are saying here though.

Maybe you and everyone you know has either big budgets, narrow social circles, or both?
I’m inviting my work colleagues, they’re all coming as a group. What’s there to be uncomfortable about?

It’s not very nice (wouldn’t say rude) to not give people a plus +1 if they won’t know anybody else.

Otherwise a spouse can be a hindrance because person would have to entertain them instead of hanging out with their friends.

No it isn't.

Thank you @Confusedmonkey and @RaininginDarling , I was feeling extremely sad but from your kind words am able to see things more objectively.

Thank you to everyone for their view, I appreciate it but I think for my own sanity I'm going to have to stop checking this thread.

We will apologise to Anna profusely

Why would you even want to go to a wedding of people you don’t know!? Surely your social anxiety would be awful for some ransoms wedding where you don’t know anyone.

i don’t get mumsnet at all just let your dh go. You didn’t invite them so you can hardly be close?

YABU.

Why is it one rule for you about numbers? And one rule for someone else? Anna, and her DH-to-be, don't know you, so why should they give a shit about you coming to their wedding? Just because you and DH are now married, you can still do things with your respective friendship groups without being tied at the hip.

Get over it.

You didnt invite them. So you cant expect to be invited.
And your low self esteem is an issue for you to tackle really. Not for other people to manage.

Exactly

Neither of the above. It was your choice who you invited for your wedding. Its their choice who is invited to theirs. It may be a numbers thing or a budget thing, it could be a we only met you once or twice thing but frankly their day should be done their way. Your husband was wrong to ask. If they wanted you there they would invite you. It would only be more awkward if they had said yes out of politeness.

Zombie thread

🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟And the wedding has already happened. 🧟🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Not good that hubby asked if you could go to the wedding, in fact very rude. Just get over it and stop taking everything personally.

This is a Zombie thread from over a year ago... Would be interested to know how the wedding was though 🙂