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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to this wedding?

221 replies

Artemi · 16/07/2022 19:01

I might just be being insecure so the blunt advice of the AIBU vipers is welcome.

My husband is invited to a wedding in a couple of months, and I am not invited. It is of a school friend of his (Anna) and her partner (Ben)
At the time the invitation was received (a whole year before the wedding) we were not yet engaged, although we were living together. I didn't know the couple, so I understood not being invited.

We recently got married this month. The wedding was modest and small- under 25 guests. We did not invite Anna and Ben, purely due to numbers. Not to dripfeed, the reason for keeping it small was due to social anxiety and also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me.
We did however invite people's long-term partners even if we hadn't met them

Since being engaged and planning a wedding of our own, and now married, I have felt increasingly uncomfortable to not be invited to Anna and Ben's wedding. This probably relates to low self esteem and wanting to be accepted by my husband's friends (There has been some difficulty with other friends of his being unwelcoming to me so this probably clouds my judgment)

My husband messaged Anna politely and asked whether I would be able to come to their wedding but she said no, (quite bluntly) saying that they are having a small wedding.

YANBU: now that we are married and they have also met me, it's a little bit rude to not expand the invitation to include me.

YABU: you offended them by not inviting them and it's therefore understandable that they wouldn't invite you

Thank you

OP posts:
WitchWithoutChips · 16/07/2022 20:58

Good on Anna for giving a straight answer. Your DH was beyond rude to ask.

unname · 16/07/2022 21:01

greatblueheron · 16/07/2022 20:50

YABU and by your DH asking if you could come, he's probably ended any chance of you ever getting on, frankly.

Inviting someone and not their live-in partner (now wife) would end the friendship for many people.

Its bad manners to invite only one half of a social unit. Also, not great manners to ask for an invitation, but not as rude in my book.

It has never offended me to be asked if someone can be included in something I’m hosting*. I don’t have a problem saying no, if needed. But I’d not bother with someone again if they left my SO out of an invitation.

*That includes my own wedding. My cousin asked me if his 20 year old son could bring his girlfriend. I said sure. Would have said no if I had any problem with it.

TokyoTen · 16/07/2022 21:02

But you didn't invite them to your wedding... I think YABU.

Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2022 21:04

Artemi · 16/07/2022 20:16

Ok, so it seems pretty unanimous that I am being unreasonable, thank you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from another perspective so I appreciate it.

I think maybe the reason I'm feeling upset is that I personally would have much preferred to not invite partners I hadn't met, and I did struggle on the wedding day itself due to this, however I was told that you had to invite couples together
It also meant that I didn't invite friends I would have like to invite as I did invite unknown partners instead, as I thought this was the right thing to do

(This is why Anna wasn't able to be invited - we didn't have space for both Anna and Ben and we mistakenly thought it was better to invite neither)

I see now that I was mistaken about who I had to invite to my wedding and that I shouldn't let those assumptions cloud someone else's wedding. Thank you

That’s not true

its your wedding. You don’t need to invite couples if you don’t want I. With it being such a small wedding you can’t really do wedding etiquette anyway

Cas112 · 16/07/2022 21:07

Being married literally makes no difference, I think you just need to get over this one

Nameandgamechange123 · 16/07/2022 21:08

Weddings are weird things. Who knows? I would say YNBU but that seems to be going against the grain here!

coffi123 · 16/07/2022 21:09

@OooErr i just would invite partners if they are married/engaged/long term, unless there is a good reason - like small weddings with limited numbers, or work outings where it’s strictly limited to people who work together. Personally I don’t really like to go to weddings and social events on my own, so I wouldn’t expect my guests to come alone either. Last week a casual friend of mine invited me to their evening reception and mentioned that I can bring my partner (who they didn’t know well) and I was glad because I didn’t know anyone else other than bride&groom and they were busy with all their guests, so I was happy to have my partner there as well. As I said, of course there are exceptions, like a close friend of mine getting married and is having a small wedding, then it’s not a problem. I just would accommodate partners where possible, and would ask what the situation is without feeling bad about it…but I seem to be in the minority.

Muppethotel · 16/07/2022 21:09

@Artemi this is a joke isn’t it? What on earth is wrong with you? For someone who has had a wedding and had to be careful with numbers, why don’t you understand why someone else is doing the same? I honestly despair. Unless of course you’re just worried about your husband copping off with a bridesmaid, but that’s a very long haul way to describe that particular dilemma

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 16/07/2022 21:10

OP, you have marked yourself and your DH as being difficult and demanding. I wonder how anyone on MN manages to maintain friendships sometimes.

This really is not a big deal.

Darbs76 · 16/07/2022 21:11

I think it was rude for your DH to message to ask if you could go. If you have social anxiety I can understand you wanting a small wedding, but you can’t complain people don’t invite you when you didn’t invite them. Bit of a cheek to complain about jt

Lalliella · 16/07/2022 21:12

Your husband did not message Anna politely. There is no way his message could possibly have been anything but rude. You can’t go requesting invitations to weddings. Especially when you didn’t invite them to yours. YABU and your DH IBVU.

AlexandriasWindmill · 16/07/2022 21:12

YABU but I didn't vote because your option said they're 'offended because you didn't invite them. YABU because they already sent the invitation and your DH accepted.
You don't change invitations because a guest's relationship status changes. Someone who sent invites a year in advance isn't going to change details at the last minute. I find it quite odd that your Dh even asked. You not inviting them to your wedding was just the cherry on the cake of your unreasonableness.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2022 21:14

"also because I only had 2 family members, so didn't want to feel uncomfortable by my husband having loads more guests than me."

It's not his fault that you have a small family though, is it?

LetHimHaveIt · 16/07/2022 21:15

People are fucking weird about weddings, and no mistake: I've known more than one couple who wouldn't allow kids at their own wedding, but were horrified when, five years down the line, they couldn't take theirs to other people's.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/07/2022 21:18

unname · 16/07/2022 21:01

Inviting someone and not their live-in partner (now wife) would end the friendship for many people.

Its bad manners to invite only one half of a social unit. Also, not great manners to ask for an invitation, but not as rude in my book.

It has never offended me to be asked if someone can be included in something I’m hosting*. I don’t have a problem saying no, if needed. But I’d not bother with someone again if they left my SO out of an invitation.

*That includes my own wedding. My cousin asked me if his 20 year old son could bring his girlfriend. I said sure. Would have said no if I had any problem with it.

Show quote history

Those people are nuts and should realise that sometimes guest lists have to be limited in a way. Inviting 5 of your colleagues but not their partners, for example, would be absolutely fine

also WTAF is a “social unit”?!

luxxlisbon · 16/07/2022 21:22

Personally I don’t believe my husband and I make up one social unit. That’s stupid imo, we are 2 individuals with different friends, relationships and interests. Sometimes it makes sense for us to do things together, sometimes it doesn’t.
The idea that a couple are a social unit and must be included together in all circumstances is outdated.
Are you saying you wouldn’t attend work drinks, a girls holiday or a night in with a movie and a bottle of wine with a friend if your spouse wasn’t invited?

ouch321 · 16/07/2022 21:22

unname · 16/07/2022 20:18

Once you moved in together you became a social unit and should both be invited or neither.

I don’t think you should take offense though. I doubt it’s personal.

What a load of crap!

luxxlisbon · 16/07/2022 21:23

ShirleyPhallus · 16/07/2022 21:18

Those people are nuts and should realise that sometimes guest lists have to be limited in a way. Inviting 5 of your colleagues but not their partners, for example, would be absolutely fine

also WTAF is a “social unit”?!

Show quote history

Don’t you know you are only half a person without your spouse? A woman should absolutely not attend a social event without the other half of her social unit!

unname · 16/07/2022 21:24

Artemi · 16/07/2022 20:16

Ok, so it seems pretty unanimous that I am being unreasonable, thank you. Sometimes it's hard to see things from another perspective so I appreciate it.

I think maybe the reason I'm feeling upset is that I personally would have much preferred to not invite partners I hadn't met, and I did struggle on the wedding day itself due to this, however I was told that you had to invite couples together
It also meant that I didn't invite friends I would have like to invite as I did invite unknown partners instead, as I thought this was the right thing to do

(This is why Anna wasn't able to be invited - we didn't have space for both Anna and Ben and we mistakenly thought it was better to invite neither)

I see now that I was mistaken about who I had to invite to my wedding and that I shouldn't let those assumptions cloud someone else's wedding. Thank you

No, you did the right thing. You absolutely cannot politely invite just one half of a couple. This is not even debatable.

They get somewhat of a pass because the invitation was issued before you were married. I still think they are rude and they should have included you simply because you were living together and absolutely should have added you once you got married.

hvmag.com/uncategorized/wedding-invitations-when-your-partner-or-spouse-is-left-out-of-the-invite/

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 16/07/2022 21:25

Once you moved in together you became a social unit and should both be invited or neither.

Come on! That's madness!

BadNomad · 16/07/2022 21:28

@unname it's not inviting "one half of a couple", it's inviting one individual. Nothing special happens when you shack up with someone. You don't merge at the hip. It's perfectly possible to do things by yourself.

User56785 · 16/07/2022 21:28

No, you did the right thing. You absolutely cannot politely invite just one half of a couple. This is not even debatable.

And yet here we are debating it.

Some people even have different opinions from you. Most people in fact, as your opinion is batshit.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 16/07/2022 21:29

I would be so embarrassed that my husband asked if I could get an invitation to a wedding of someone I didn't know well.

LetHimHaveIt · 16/07/2022 21:29

unname · 16/07/2022 21:24

No, you did the right thing. You absolutely cannot politely invite just one half of a couple. This is not even debatable.

They get somewhat of a pass because the invitation was issued before you were married. I still think they are rude and they should have included you simply because you were living together and absolutely should have added you once you got married.

hvmag.com/uncategorized/wedding-invitations-when-your-partner-or-spouse-is-left-out-of-the-invite/

Show quote history

Well, there you have it. Straight from the society pages of the . . . Hudson Valley Magazine. The US answer to Debrett's, presumably.

SheepingStandingUp · 16/07/2022 21:29

Gensola · 16/07/2022 20:31

@ShirleyPhallus why is it bizarre? If I was invited to a wedding and the people didn’t know DH at all, and therefore didn’t invite him, they would not be very close friends at all, would they, because if they were, they’d obviously invite him. Why would I bother going to the wedding of a random vague acquaintance, needing transport, gift, probably drinks money, maybe staying over in a hotel, especially if DH not invited so I’m there like a lemon on my own at an event that’s supposedly celebrating love? 🤔

I had good work friends, went out regularly, talked lots but didn't know DH because we went out with work friends not partners. Why would it be unreasonable for them to invite me and not the man they don't know if numbers were tight? What about a birthday party or christening etc?

Presumably you never accepted wedding invites before you were partnered up as single people seemingly shouldn't go.

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