Page 8 | Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

Bearsan · 15/07/2022 14:33

Yanbu.
Parents that do these nasty moves motives are not because they are being kind or helping out, it's to divide and conquer, play silly games and control. They're fucked up and the favourite golden child is always fucked up too.
Don't waste your breath talking about it to your father, he knows exactly what he is doing, he won't change.

BeggarsMeddle · 15/07/2022 14:36

I think the problem is not that OP's brother was given a bike costing £800 but more that OP's father has told everyone what it cost.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/07/2022 14:45

AlexandriasWindmill · 15/07/2022 14:15

It's not that you have a strong moral compass. It's that you're confusing treating everyone the exact same with equality or fairness. A PP explained very eloquently why that isn't the case.
For example, in our school, pupils can't use the elevator. But if a pupil is on crutches or in a wheelchair - saying they can't use the elevator puts them at a disadvantage. Letting them (and only them) use the lift gives them 'equal' access to the second floor. That's not favouritism. It's equity
My DM always gave more money and gifts to my DB. It wasn't because of favouritism. It was because DB (for a number of reasons) had more bills, less income and always struggled financially.
You seem to be equating money with love but sometimes a bike is just a bike.

I understand that but I don't think the OPs situation is an example of that. Announcing to your 4 children that you're not getting any Birthday presents for them this year and giving 3 of them a card and then turning around and spending a huge amount on one is not equity. A child on crutches needs to use the elevator to get to the second floor, no one needs an £800 bike.........

strivingtosucceed · 15/07/2022 15:22

fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 06:47

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

When you said £800 bike, I thought you were all teens/young adults. I don't know if I could get worked up about that amount in my 40s especially if I wasn't destitute at the time.

Maybe your brother just has a better relationship or he's the golden child, I don't see a point totting up what's been done for each child and keeping score.

ThisMuch · 15/07/2022 15:35

Isonthecase · 15/07/2022 11:47

I think I'd feel a bit funny about this too. It's not the money that matters, it's the changing the goalposts to make things less fair.

My family has always taken the policy that children can be treated differently in terms of spends but the goal should be the same. For instance, my brother's education cost a lot more but the end result was we both had an education somewhere suitable for us. But we also discuss any big differences to make sure everyone understands the thought process and sees why it's the case.

I can't imagine feeling ok with seeing the difference in treatment and not understanding why it's happening but somehow magically being ok with it.

I think this is actually a brilliant approach as parents. Sometimes you don't need as much money as your sibling because your needs/ interests are different, and that's okay. What matters is that everyone is part of the conversation and decision-making process, so as a result no one ends up feeling like they are being excluded or getting the short end of the stick. Again, money is often symbolic and not the reason why favouritism hurts.

And as a bonus, siblings learn to acknowledge and respect each other's needs and to be generous when it's their turn, which is fundamental if the parents want to foster a healthy relationship among their children. Fantastic approach indeed.

OP, YANBU. The people telling you that you are, are probably parents that have unsuccessfully managed this dilemma with their own kids or the favoured child in their family.

Lilbunnyfufu · 15/07/2022 15:41

My mum always put £50 in my birthday card, £25 in my younger sisters card and buys my brother's high value items.
It's always been like this.
She's the same with the Grandkids the two girls can ask for anything they want and she will get it. The boys are lucky if the get £5.00 off her.
At the end of the day it may seem unfair but it's her money and she can spend it how she wants. she works hard to earn so nobody should tell her how to spend it.

GCHeretic · 15/07/2022 16:14

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/07/2022 11:39

One crappy little biased article does not negate the real life experiences of millions of women with brothers, who have had the brothers massively favoured over them.

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The research it references does though.

bobbinsboo · 15/07/2022 16:15

My in-laws are like this but much more extreme. They've just treated BIL family to a £15k holiday (one of many); spent £30k on their wedding whilst not wanting to contribute to ours; temporarily paid off BIL mortgage to help them buy a house; moving closer to BIL family so now barely see our kids-the list is endless. We confronted them, huge argument that there's no going back from. I'm now NC due to this blatant favouritism that has completely ruined this relationship. They however see me as the bad guy though as I've dared stand up to them (for once). It's their choice what they do with their money but there is also a consequence to these actions and it's bit them on the ass!!

Hatsoff5 · 15/07/2022 16:16

Lilbunnyfufu · 15/07/2022 15:41

My mum always put £50 in my birthday card, £25 in my younger sisters card and buys my brother's high value items.
It's always been like this.
She's the same with the Grandkids the two girls can ask for anything they want and she will get it. The boys are lucky if the get £5.00 off her.
At the end of the day it may seem unfair but it's her money and she can spend it how she wants. she works hard to earn so nobody should tell her how to spend it.

With your mums own children your mum can do whatever she likes. However her grandkids which are YOUR children.... no the buck stops with you. I wouldn't want my children to notice that type of pattern or to think that's how life works it's not correct.

GCHeretic · 15/07/2022 16:18

GCAcademic · 15/07/2022 12:35

I’m curious to hear from the posters telling the OP that she is being unreasonable and that her father perfectly justified in his spending whether they also treat their children inequitably and — if so — how they justify this? In what circumstances would you give one adult child a card for their birthday and another a £800 gift?

If one had had their bike stolen and couldn’t get to work, or was depressed and thought that getting out on a bike might help.

If my parents bought my brother a bike that he wanted it needed I’d be happy for him. If they ever got me more than a bar of chocolate of an M&S top I’d be unhappy, as I earn far, far more than they ever did and I’d not want them spending money on me.

woodhill · 15/07/2022 16:20

Very unfair

I always spend the same on my adult dc

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 16:20

Yes its is unfair and yes I do try and treat mine fairly so one may get more expensive present one year then the other another depending in wants and needs
But eg driving lessons they have both had 10 paid by us plus provisional and theory tests etc
I wouldn't send one a birthday card and spend hundreds on a gift for another
Maybe one may have a £50
Gift one year another £40 but difference wouldn't be huge
No one has to treat their kids fairly though , but then they have to remember this
My mil done nothing to help us when out kids were little , yet did sil ( similar age kids) so now she is older it seems fair that sil does most if the running around

GCHeretic · 15/07/2022 16:21

AryaStarkWolf · 15/07/2022 12:44

@Reallyreallyborednow Sorry for tagging you again, I just wanted to expand on what I think the differences are, obviously your daughter needed a decent laptop for her education (and she'll also be able to use it for entertainment etc) There's really no circumstances where the brother of the OP needed a bike worth £800 that's ALOT to spend on a bike and it's obviously for a hobby/competing, you could get a decent bike for transport (if that's why he needed it) for a fraction of that price

It really isn’t much to spend on a bike. It’ll get you a mud-level Boardman or the like from halfords. If you spend much less than this you’re going to get something heavy and / or with cheaper components that won’t last very well.

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 16:28

@Hatsoff5 yes exactly I would not let my kids be treated differently as it does affect people
Yes its peoples money and they can sped it how they like but then they can't expect all their GC to grow up and treat them the same
I mean would anyone here really give their 8 year olds a pile of presents and the 9 year old a jumper at xmas and feel fine with that

scissorsandsellotape · 15/07/2022 16:29

Someone I know got a book one Xmas the other sibling for a car

Another set of in-laws gave one a £400 gift voucher and the other a radio pen

I don't think either meant any harm
This shit happens

TheGetaway · 15/07/2022 16:45

I thinks it’s fine.
I have never had a tit for tat mentality with my DCs and often get one something and not the others. It all works out in the end.

my opinion is also possibly swayed by the fact it’s a bike. £800 isn’t a lot for a bike tbh

Floella22 · 15/07/2022 16:58

@Léighméleabhair
bet your middle dc knows that the oldest is golden boy.

HeckyPeck · 15/07/2022 18:51

TheGetaway · 15/07/2022 16:45

I thinks it’s fine.
I have never had a tit for tat mentality with my DCs and often get one something and not the others. It all works out in the end.

my opinion is also possibly swayed by the fact it’s a bike. £800 isn’t a lot for a bike tbh

But would you tell one child no birthday presents this year and just give them a card but then spend £800 on the other? Plus rub their noses in it by making them drive you to collect the gift?!

DebonaireAnt · 15/07/2022 19:04

I don't even expect to get something for my birthday or christmas from my siblings or parents and haven't gotten gifts for the past several years. i stopped expecting birthday gifts after 25.

HTH1 · 15/07/2022 19:27

I agree with you, OP. It’s not just about the money, it’s about how much they value you and do or don’t prioritise you.

I have two sons and would never do this.

TheGetaway · 15/07/2022 23:17

HeckyPeck · 15/07/2022 18:51

But would you tell one child no birthday presents this year and just give them a card but then spend £800 on the other? Plus rub their noses in it by making them drive you to collect the gift?!

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I may do actually (except the driving bit)

Then another year they would get something they need/really want.

We have such a large family I tend to get things when I see them or when it’s needed and wouldn’t dream of getting something. for the others just to make it fair.

HeckyPeck · 16/07/2022 17:11

TheGetaway · 15/07/2022 23:17

I may do actually (except the driving bit)

Then another year they would get something they need/really want.

We have such a large family I tend to get things when I see them or when it’s needed and wouldn’t dream of getting something. for the others just to make it fair.

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I would feel very sorry for the child you didn't get a birthday present for.

I don't have kids but have a niece and nephew. I couldn't imagine being so unkind as to tell one no birthday presents this year then spend £800 on the other.

I could understand if it's a one off gift and overall balances out, but no present at all for one and £800 for the other is such a slap in the face for the one who gets nothing.

Dragonsmother · 16/07/2022 17:54

OP we have been in the same situation. One sibling given a house to live in whilst the rest of us have had to work hard and save. It suck’s doesn’t it?!!

The resentment is always there. It’s affected the relationship with that sibling- who equally likes to walk around with the silver spoon in their mouth.

It’s never fair.

maybe it’s time to confront the parents? I walked away from mine and I pray one day they realise this wasn’t only about money but the fact that all children should be treated the same

wentworthinmate · 16/07/2022 18:23

I am with you on this OP in every way. It IS unfair and I would never do this to my children. What your parents must be thinking (or more likely not thinking at all) especially after saying nobody would get presents this year. I personally would bring it up and just ask why it changed and tell them how it has made you feel. Because I don’t blame you one bit.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 16/07/2022 18:37

Before I went nc with my mum she did the same to her grandchildren. They really felt it and the boys would often call her out on it as did I. Even though they were treated better the males just stopped taking anything from her and told them why every single time. They felt embarrassed about the blatant favouritism.