Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

Have two brothers.

Am female, 1980s born.

Can concur.

Agreed!

The question was about adult children

but why is it different for adult children? Like pp have said as long as it’s not always one child, but why can’t a parent spend £800 on a birthday for an adult child, as long as if ever another child wants/needs a similar value item in the future they will get it?

in the o/p’s case it does sound like she is fairly sure this won’t happen and the brother is being treated differently, but in the general scheme of things there’s nothing wrong with splashing out on one child one year and doing the same for another a few years later.

In circumstances where realistically you're not in a position to give gifts to all your children but in this instance you feel the child's need is greater than anybody else's?

My mum did this. She clearly favoured my brother over my sister and I and this extended into adulthood - to the tune of thousands of pounds. I tried to talk to her about it - unemotionally, logically and with examples - but she just couldn't/wouldn't see it.
One day I told her that my brother was upset by the fact that she clearly favoured him and by the way she treated my sister and I (he was).
She burst into tears - not because she had seen the light - but because the last thing she wanted to do was upset her son. 😆

I wonder if your dad has a blind spot about what he is doing? My mother was like this, all the daughters knew the only son was the favourite but mum was genuinely flabbergasted when the unfairness was pointed out by one of my uncles. On one level she has to have known but she was obviously able to explain it away. It still hurts she did that though, and you have every right to feel upset. Have you told him how you feel?

And PS, there is a big difference between 'its not fair' meaning that person got a £20 present and mine was £10 and that person got an extravagant present and I got nothing.

And by the same token I wonder how many of these keyboard warrior PPs saying it's all perfectly OK and the OP's an adult so she doesn't have the right to be upset, would be equally sanguine if it was happening to them and they got a cheap card while the golden child got everything? But still being expected to be the one who does all the fetching and carrying?

You are not unreasonable to feel as you do and your feelings are valid. Of course it is your Dad's money to do as he pleases but, he has made a choice to treat one child differently and that is hurtful. I'm guessing it is not about the money it is about fairness and if he spent a fiver on each of you you would be fine with that.

I have found (after a lifetime, from childhood, of being treated unfairly and one sibling being very much the favourite) that you have to let it go for your own peace of mind. Otherwise you only upset yourself mulling it over, feeling hurt or angry.

I just decided to ignore whatever was given to my oldest sibling, (and we are talking private school fees for her children, her rent paid every month, driving lessons as an adult, lawyers fees for her very protracted divorce and custody battles and many many other things over the course of many years) It hurts because we equate being treated equally with being loved equally. It doesn't necessarily equate, I think a lot of it comes out of guilt, out of being pressurized and being unable to say no to the favourite.

I have a very close relationship with my other sibling, and with my children an that is worth far more to me than any kind of money or gifts. I think you have to let it drift over you, cherish what you have and accept that this is the way it is. Your dad will probably not change, if you bring it up he'll probably just be secretive about what he gives your brother.

If the reason is enough for your father to decide to give more then yes I think it is. I'm thinking of a friend who had a hissy fit when her husband wanted to give xthousand pounds a year to her step daughter when she was at university. Her daughter hadn't gone to university so he felt she didn't need help with university which seemed perfectly reasonable to me but she thought it was very unfair.

Was funny when her daughter decided to go to uni as a mature student and was very grateful for the help which she wouldn't have got if she'd had it just because ten years earlier.

Or there is my cousin who got several thousand pounds from her parents when she needed IVF is she was going to be able to have a baby. Her siblings had children, if her parents had to give them all the same she couldn't have afforded that treatment as she had spent every penny already so I think that was fair and her siblings seemed to think so as well.

So I suppose I'd think would your father help you if you needed it and if he would then I'd think it was OK, if he'd only give to your brother even if he was OK and you were in need then no I wouldn't think it was OK but what I think isn't really relevant as it is his money.

I think children carry mental scars for a long time if they see their parents treating their siblings differently from them, at any age, and even if in quite trivial ways. See various threads about wills and inheritance, for instance.

Oldest has received £k thousands more in financial support from us than middle child as he earns far less. Eldest has a first from an elite University, middle child dropped out in final year. Middle child has an exceedingly well paid career and our youngest is still at school.

Recently, middle child and dad were discussing finances and he mentioned in passing that he had to pay an extra £30k when buying his house because it’s not classed as his only home. Oldest didn’t want to sell the house they both jointly own and rent out. (That was from an inheritance given to them both many years ago).

I strongly suspect that middle child didn’t bother to tell oldest that it was going to cost him an extra 30k to buy the house otherwise, I’m certain that oldest would have immediately agreed to sell their joint asset. Oldest is kindness itself, and he chooses to work in a social care type field which despite working unsocial hours, is very poorly paid in contrast to middle child’s earnings.

When my mum died, 3/4 of what she left went to my disabled brother because that’s what all 5 siblings agreed was the right thing to do.

I feel sorry for children who are growing up expecting equal shares in everything. It’s completely the wrong lesson to teach, in my opinion. 🤔

OP your feelings are valid, it's blatantly unfair but it is what it is. It's cheap for you though as you're a part of the no present thing. Cards for him for his birthday.

I think I would have to say something tbh. It's just such a lack of care for your feelings to do this and expect you to drive him to pick it up.

and they've asked you for help to collect it!!

I thought I was on my own on this one, glad I'm not after reading a few comments!

My dad has always favoured my brother over me, very emotional speech at his wedding, expensive gifts, hobbies, first car(s).

My brother has never been career-orientated or particularly driven in that sense, I've been the opposite so I can earn a decent living (not rely on parents) and qualified in my profession a few years ago... I don't recall even a 'well done'.

I do remember one particular Christmas being told a few days beforehand by my dad that brother would have significantly more gifts than me... I'm not sure how a 9yo is supposed to take that.

I got the feeling he has a taste of his own when my mum (treats everyone fairly!) had a significant birthday this year and we took her away for the weekend. Presumably he compared it to his significant birthday and felt deflated. Although, my gift to him was more considerate than his gift to me for my 30th... a '30s survival kit' consisting of a handful of plastic crap stuffed into an organza bag.

It’s not about the money, it’s about demonstrations of love and thoughtfulness. I can see where OP is coming from. It’s fair enough to spend more on certain items for one child if everything balances out over time. However, if one child repeatedly receives extravagant gifts and others are ignored then it’s easy to see why the siblings would feel rejected.

I think there’s something in the suggestion that the more you do to help out your relatives, the more they take you for granted.

If I were feeling diplomatic I’d say what @Pheasantplucker2 suggested. What I’d actually feel like doing is clubbing together with siblings to buy bike panniers or a rucksack, and say how great it is that brother can now do all the shopping/prescription collections for parents on his bike.

*Oldest has received £k thousands more in financial support from us than middle child as he earns far less. Eldest has a first from an elite University, middle child dropped out in final year. Middle child has an exceedingly well paid career and our youngest is still at school.

Recently, middle child and dad were discussing finances and he mentioned in passing that he had to pay an extra £30k when buying his house because it’s not classed as his only home. Oldest didn’t want to sell the house they both jointly own and rent out. (That was from an inheritance given to them both many years ago).

I strongly suspect that middle child didn’t bother to tell oldest that it was going to cost him an extra 30k to buy the house otherwise, I’m certain that oldest would have immediately agreed to sell their joint asset. Oldest is kindness itself, and he chooses to work in a social care type field which despite working unsocial hours, is very poorly paid in contrast to middle child’s earnings.

When my mum died, 3/4 of what she left went to my disabled brother because that’s what all 5 siblings agreed was the right thing to do.

I feel sorry for children who are growing up expecting equal shares in everything. It’s completely the wrong lesson to teach, in my opinion. 🤔*

What is really hurtful is not the lack of equal financial gifts, but the knowledge that a parent has a clear and obvious favourite and has no shame about it. That hurts and causes long term damage.

My mother might do something like this if one of us really needed something. She would try and level it up at some point but not always possible. Generally I just think it’s her money she can do what she likes and she has helped me loads in the past. I wonder if you are not secure about your place in his affections so this bothers you? Which would be an entirely reasonable reaction, because it’s not really about the bike is it?

As much you get along with and like your brother, you don’t know the full story because that’s between him and your dad.

You don’t know if your brother helped your dad out with something (not necessarily financially) and this is your dad’s way of thanking him. Or maybe the bike is because your brother is going to use it to make money as a bicycle delivery man or something to help feed his family and your dad is helping him get started. You don’t know the full story because they don’t have to tell you the full story.

At the risk of trotting out an old MN cliche…”at least you have a dad and you still have a good relationship with him”… Not everyone can say that.

It’s a bike. It’s your father and your brother. Is it really worth so much negative energy?

It is both his own money therefore his choice and unfair.

I am very much of the 'fuck him' school of thought.

When he reaches a point he needs help, golden boy can do it. I wouldn't be helping with shopping or appointments or anything.

He picked his winner. He should stick with them.

Meh. Maybe your time will come around? If he feels compelled/really wants to buy it for your brother, I don’t see the harm.

Exactly

It's not that you have a strong moral compass. It's that you're confusing treating everyone the exact same with equality or fairness. A PP explained very eloquently why that isn't the case.
For example, in our school, pupils can't use the elevator. But if a pupil is on crutches or in a wheelchair - saying they can't use the elevator puts them at a disadvantage. Letting them (and only them) use the lift gives them 'equal' access to the second floor. That's not favouritism. It's equity
My DM always gave more money and gifts to my DB. It wasn't because of favouritism. It was because DB (for a number of reasons) had more bills, less income and always struggled financially.
You seem to be equating money with love but sometimes a bike is just a bike.

My parents had/have treated us differently, but according to need. I don't have any problems with it, but I think the way we were all treated was fair, if not equally at different times.

I think some of my siblings have not treated them fairly though, in return!

I think fairness incorporates many different things - need, necessity, emergency, etc. eg, I moved out at 22, but my siblings stayed longer (for different lengths of time), my brother needed expensive equipment when he was a student and it was bought for him, I had my wedding paid for (I was the only girl and it was the custom at that time)....

Ultimately, if you think you have been treated unfairly, and this is a consistent pattern, you either need to talk to your father, or keep quiet, but it will fester if you aren't happy with it.