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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

252 replies

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:38

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/07/2022 23:00

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:41

DH also takes no interest in the kids or my life, everything is about work. I also said this to the Inlaws and their response was that I wouldn’t be living in such a lovely house (current) and looking for a nicer house if it wasn’t for DH’s job.

Is that true?

I think you need to make some decisions on what you want from life but it sounds as though your husband is a workaholic who doesn't value family time.

Huntswomanonthemove · 14/07/2022 23:01

MugginsOverEre · 14/07/2022 18:42

Did you go too far??? No.

I would have asked them to take the fucking useless bastard back.

This ^ 100%

WonderingWanda · 14/07/2022 23:03

Op please stop putting up with this loser of a man. My dh earns lots more than me but views it as our money. He appreciates the unpaid work I do and values me as an equal in our relationship. Our life would probably be easier if I didn't work at all but he knows that it is important to me to maintain my career and supports me in so many ways to do that. Your dh does none of these things and you would be better off without him.

Sswhinesthebest · 14/07/2022 23:05

Please don’t tie yourself up even more by buying a bigger house with this man.

Think about leaving him.

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2022 23:12

Why do you stay? What would be different without him? Could you afford rental?
and especially why go through the effort of buying a new house? Will it be jointly owned? That will just make it harder to leave. If you’re staying with him simplify your life- don’t go along with buying a new house. Don’t do anything because he wants it. Take some reflection time to think. What would happen if you said yes to his parents offer of money? What will happen when he finds out you told them? (I’m all for disclosure- id tell him that was just the start and everyone you know is going to find out asap that he’s a tightwad who don’t pay for his family or his children and does nothing at home either.)

TequilaStories · 14/07/2022 23:14

Good on you for keeping your job. Plenty of women don’t and when it goes pear shaped they’re screwed. Separate bank is another plus. Already organising everything for the kids, being their main support is another.

He’s not providing any emotional support, he’s not interested in the kids, he uses finances as a way to control you. This is going to sound horrible but do you think he’s stalling on a new house on purpose?

I’d probably looking into what government support is available if you leave, contact a solicitor to find out your entitlements, look at what would be available to buy if you left and just have a think about it. Don’t worry about his parents. It’s great you brought it up because it gave you this opportunity to think more about what’s happening.

Phobiaphobic · 14/07/2022 23:23

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:38

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

Sounds to me like you need to tell them a great deal more. And your tight-arse husband too.

allboysherebutme · 14/07/2022 23:25

Why are you even bothering to look for a house with him he sounds horrible, I'd rather live alone. X

Dinoteeth · 14/07/2022 23:32

Op are you sure he isn't stalling on purpose?

I don't think you've overshared. Might make them realise that they need to give their DS a boot up the ass.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/07/2022 23:38

It's good for you that you got it out of your system.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man, you'd probably be better off on benefits living in a hostel than spending your life with the penny pinches you have to tolerate.

He thinks money makes him the man. He is a dickhead.

Panjandrum123 · 15/07/2022 00:04

@Anonabc I’m really not one for saying LTB, but I really think you need to have a frank conversation with your “D”H about where his priorities lie. He sounds very selfish: you and the children are simply part of the trappings he feels he should surround himself with, status symbols, nothing more.

I grew up in a family like this and it’s not healthy for the children or the wife. My mother never had enough money, while my dad would buy himself treats. He expected a certain standard of food on the table. As she kept the books for his company she would put additional “parcels and postage” through in order to have enough money to feed us all because the salary he paid her wasn’t enough to cover everything. My father never increased the amount of housekeeping he gave her in thirty years of marriage. She paid for our clothes, everything we needed, he rarely contributed. It was financial abuse and as a teen I used to call him out on it but this would only lead to arguments and shouting, never more money for my mother.

Please, take some time to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. Ideally start making plans for you and the children. Tell his parents about your DH’s behaviour, so that if/when you decide to leave, they understand why you are doing this - keep it factual, rather than being overly emotional about it.

BeeAFreeBird · 15/07/2022 00:04

I can understand the anxiety with this situation. It sounds overwhelming. I’d feel quite isolated and also want to express what’s happening to get it into the open to release some of the stress and tension.

But I don’t think the in laws are going to be in your corner. Might it help for just you to speak to someone neutral in a setting where it’s safe to express yourself?

Without getting all of the elements out of your head, somewhere that feels relaxed and comfortable, I don’t know how it’ll be possible to clarify your needs and goals so that you can prioritise and plan.

If a friend you love dearly, who you want to see happy and healthy, asked for your help and explained that she’s in the position you’ve outlined to us, what would you think about the situation and what advice would you give her?

You can find a way through. Xx

Derbee · 15/07/2022 00:07

Your husband is a dick. I don’t understand why you stay?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2022 00:08

You don't need a new house, you need a divorce. Get a solicitor and set them loose on this abusive arsehole.

ferntwist · 15/07/2022 00:18

Why on earth are you with him? He brings nothing to your life and talks to you so nastily. His parents should be ashamed of him

StoneofDestiny · 15/07/2022 00:27

Your husband is the problem, not your in laws.
I'd be getting shot of him pdq and get 50% of the lot. Him being allowed to keep his finances away from you, his wife, is a gigantic red flag!

k1233 · 15/07/2022 00:34

He sounds very selfish: you and the children are simply part of the trappings he feels he should surround himself with, status symbols, nothing more.

I totally agree with the above comment. It sounds like you and the children are just accoutrements to his life. Same as the bigger house etc

Next time the inlaws comment on you working, tell them you wouldn't need to if your husband wasn't financially abusive and kept his "big wage" for himself. You need to earn money so you and your kids are clothed and fed - you know, the essentials of life, not the window dressing of big fancy houses to show he's "made it".

Pinkespressomachine · 15/07/2022 00:47

I haven’t had the chance to read through most of the comments but you have my very sympathy OP. You must not feel awkward or embarrassed about over-sharing - if anything you’d be well within your rights to share a hell of a lot more about what a financially controlling bastard of a husband their son is! His behaviour is abhorrent.

You sound amazing - working & managing the family and home as you do with no real discernible support (granted his wages seem to fund the mortgage but you are his wife and mother to your children - not a lodger!).

Your comments and openness may be just the eye opener they need to see their son is being unreasonable here - their offer to give you money says it all - it is a bizarre offer and one that speaks of guilt and a sense of responsibility for the situation in how their son is behaving.

i wish you a lot of strength in all this but never let the voice of anxiety make you doubt your actions when it comes to simply being honest. I have suffered anxiety and I know this feeling but in hindsight being honest is always for the best, when it leaves you feeling better exposed as you do. Honestly is your strength here! I imagine your husband depends on you covering his actions and politely staying silent for his sake. You are 100% in the right - he is not.

Pinkespressomachine · 15/07/2022 00:49

Typo above - apologised - I meant that honesty is always best, even when it leaves you feeling exposed like you do.

Boxowine · 15/07/2022 00:50

Don't bother explaining anything to your in laws. They will never be your allies.

Think about if things will improve. You only have one life and you may as well be happy. Will you be happy spending the rest of your life with this man.

Jillybloop393 · 15/07/2022 01:36

Sorry, but I have to agree with the majority - he sounds like an absolute pig! Divorce him and start to enjoy life. Oh, and no, you didn't say too much to the PIL's - I think it's fine to tell them what 'Golden boy' is really like!

Kisskiss · 15/07/2022 01:44

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

So RUDE.. totally unacceptable way to speak to your spouse

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 15/07/2022 01:45

I can somewhat relate to this with the whole ‘’my house’ crap but my Dh does a lot of the childcare and domestic stuff (because I leave him to get on with it and expect him to do it). The culture I come from means i’m a bad wife and to the outside world I look like I’m being taken care of but I work to make sure we get the luxuries he can afford but prefers to be too tight. He also kept putting off buying a new house but that’s because he didn’t want to move too far from mummy but in the end I threatened to leave if he didn’t move us out. My mil would say similar like her son is god’s gift and not like I’m greedy that I need so much. Load of crap. In the first instance make sure he steps up and does the child rearing etc and then save up. I’m at a stage now where I have enough for a deposit for a buy to let which I will have intention of moving into when I need to. Start planning for a future without him as you just don’t know what’s around the corner. I know this type of man and they are ruthless when it comes to ‘their’ money so you need to be the same. I wouldn’t even bother wasting time on in laws but it’s good you said that so at least they’ve heard it even if they’re in denial.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 15/07/2022 01:50

I agree with pp who said your in laws will never be your allies. It doesn’t matter if it’s point blank in their face they will never be on your side and support you. If they are reasonable people they might sound like they’ve enabled him to feel so entitled and think he’s god’s gift for owning the house. These ideas definitely come from somewhere.

CorrodedCoffin · 15/07/2022 01:57

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

I know this isn’t what you originally asked about but I just wanted to say that it sounds like your husband is incredibly controlling. Does he actually say “Get out of my fucking house that I paid for?” And if so, is this a general response to you arguing with him? My mum used to say stuff like that to me so that she could maintain control over me and I would feel guilty for not agreeing with her and indebted to her in some way. I hope that is not the case for you, but it doesn’t sound good.

Also, re the in laws : I don’t blame you for outpouring in them when you’re clearly under so much pressure. I really wouldn’t worry about having said too much. I get the impression from what you wrote that they see him as some sort of golden child and have probably always pandered to him and will no doubt continue to side with him regardless of your valid arguments.
Do you have close friends or a therapist you can open up to?