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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

252 replies

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:38

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

OP posts:
user850301848172 · 14/07/2022 18:47

My friend is in this situation.

I hope she leaves because her partner is a dick and so is yours.

catfunk · 14/07/2022 18:47

He's financially abusing you op.
Please call women's aid.

Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:47

Also, perhaps you should point out to your in laws that you are the one facilitating their relationship with the DC and why do they think that is? And that obviously if you and Dh were to divorce, you'd be happy for them to see the kids during his contact time.

RiojaRose · 14/07/2022 18:47

I probably wouldn’t have told my in-laws that kind of information, but I’m a fairly private person. However, I don’t think you were wrong to tell them. The main issue would be whether they will use it against you in some way.

But also, if your in-laws are pushy or disrespectful you can certainly decide to stop going there with the kids. Your husband can facilitate their relationship if it’s important to him. Frankly I wouldn’t put up with my in-laws expressing opinions about whether or not I work.

As for your husband: that’s your biggest problem - and probably not something your in-laws can help with. His attitude is simply unacceptable.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 14/07/2022 18:47

Don't get a house. Get a divorce. Your husband sounds awful.

WimpoleHat · 14/07/2022 18:48

Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

No. Factually accurate and if they’ve implied that things are otherwise, it’s perfectly reasonable to set them straight. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man. My friend’s DH is like this - it’s all about the money for him. Everything comes second to him and his work: her, the kids, everything. She picks up all the slack from his irregular hours and crazy travel. And then he bitches that she somehow hasn’t managed to find a job that fits neatly into school hours that earns as much as he does. Totally unreasonable.

PhoenixReincarnated · 14/07/2022 18:48

Wellthatsjustswell · 14/07/2022 18:41

If he doesn’t give you any money and you do everything with the kids and everything in the house..maybe your anxiety would lessen if you got rid of the biggest source of frustration!

^ This

Fenella123 · 14/07/2022 18:49

How does, "sell current house, file for divorce, sort out new place for just you and kids" sound?
Seriously, marriages are supposed to be happy things which make both partners happy. Really.

Penguinsaregreat · 14/07/2022 18:49

The next time he tells you to get out of his house take him up on the offer and go. Go to a relatives/friends/hotel anywhere, just go and leave him with the kids.
Don’t contact him, turn your phone off and let him be alone with the kids.
Stop booking house viewings, leave it to him. See if he changes after this, if not I would think about leaving permanently.

cottagegardenflower · 14/07/2022 18:49

Don't bother moving house. Start divorce proceedings and get 50% of the equity, or buy him out or something. He sounds obnoxious, along with his DPs

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/07/2022 18:49

Look for a smaller house for just you and the kids

mirrorballer · 14/07/2022 18:49

@Anonabc do you want to stay in this relationship? He sounds like he is emotionally and financially abusive to you. I wonder what you are actually getting out of this beyond a nice home you are made to feel you have to be grateful for.

Clarinet1 · 14/07/2022 18:50

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It does sound to me as though this may be one of those cases where a couple in a struggling marriage think a change of habitat may fix things. It won’t. In fact perhaps you should look at moving without him!

badg3r · 14/07/2022 18:50

This is financial abuse. He sounds terrible.

UWhatNow · 14/07/2022 18:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AsMyGranWouldSay · 14/07/2022 18:53

Do you ever feel loved by him OP?

Because from reading your posts I see nothing but abuse coming at you...

ChimChimeny · 14/07/2022 18:53

cottagegardenflower · 14/07/2022 18:49

Don't bother moving house. Start divorce proceedings and get 50% of the equity, or buy him out or something. He sounds obnoxious, along with his DPs

Yep. You.deserve so much better. If he's got such a well paid job you should get a.decent chunk.of maintenance too

Threetulips · 14/07/2022 18:54

I’d respond by sending the estate agent details and tell him to fine ‘his’ house and you’ll be looking for yours!

Then ask him how he’s going to manage childcare on his 50%?

PaperTyger · 14/07/2022 18:54

Gosh because life is all about living in a nice house!!

2022NewTimes · 14/07/2022 18:55

@Anonabc - Whats the point in being in a nicer house if he does not see the house as belonging to you both 50/50 - It is a HUGE red flag when if you are disagreeing with him that he says to you " get out of my fucking house that I paid for " He looks like he sees himself as in charge and you have to tow the line or else ?

Hutchy16 · 14/07/2022 18:55

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

This is awful. You 💯 need to speak to him and really address comments like this so that you don’t end up stuck and unable to leave in the future. He needs to be better, for you and the kids.

FluffingMarvellous · 14/07/2022 18:56

He sounds like a horrible product of horrible parents who have created an entitled little shit. You aren't just some gf. You are their DIL, you should be able to tell them things like that really without such judgement. And your DH just sounds horrific. Simple answer - completely stop making any house hunting effort. Leave it to him, see what happens. Oh - and LTB.

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 18:57

Did you tell them how he speaks to you OP ? Maybe you should

Cherrysoup · 14/07/2022 18:57

Are you on the mortgage? I certainly wouldn’t want to be with someone who spoke to me the way he does to you.

Scottishskifun · 14/07/2022 19:00

Honestly why are you with him?
He sounds emotionally and financially abusive and frankly a dick!

My response if my DH ever told me to get out of his house would be a simple 50/50 darling when you said I do!