Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

D I V O R C E the asshole!

Stop booking house appointments
You and your DH need therapy to figure out your relationship. It’s totally unacceptable that he swears at you.
sorry you are dealing with this

I couldn’t live in a house, maintain and keep it clean, if I couldn’t feel that it was my home and I had a right to live in it. If your DH can tell you to leave if you don’t like it, you must feel in a very vulnerable position. What makes you think that he cares for you? Why do you want to stay with him? He seems to want to be in control of you, keep you to be caring for the children and the house, more like a servant than a partner.

It sounds like you might be better off if you divorce. He would have to divide his wealth with you and give you child maintenance. And you will probably find that your anxiety goes away on its own.

Honestly, are you anxious or simply miserable with that man controlling the narrative? I think his parents need to hear some home truths - especially if they are so liberal with their opinions on how you should live your life.

Yes, this. Can you speak to a lawyer so you can understand how leaving would impact you financially (I wager you'd be in a better position than you are now).

OP he is an abusive prock and you would be much better off without him.

He’s abusing you. He loves the power. He has zero interest in you and the dc. Do your dc a favour and divorce this horrid man. Once you’ve divorced, I imagine you’ll be entitled to the money he’s squirrelled away. He’d also have to financially contribute to the dc rather than just paying for “his” house which shelters them.

I think you should stop doing everything. He will soon realise what you do. Go back to work full time so you have money. He can pay towards nursery fees. Go out with your friends on Saturday afternoon (if you haven't got any join a club/hobby and make some). He can pay towards babysitter. Don't clean the house. He can pay towards cleaner. Don't do any of his life admin. If there's any joint life admin hand him a list as you walk out the door. Tell him to open a joint account where he needs to pay in x amount to cover all direct debits for bills, food, children's activities, clothing and childcare! Work and save some of your money for a rainy day. How old are DC?

Your in laws aren't the problem, he is. He sounds awful. Financially, verbally and emotionally abusive.

What do you get out of your relationship with him?

@Anonabc
survivingeconomicabuse.org

You have a DH problem.

Your in-laws sound fine really. He is the issue.

Great resource, thanks for sharing

OP,

You are in an abusive marriage and I would suggest it contributes nothing to your MH and is a source of your anxiety.

Please call Womens aid for advice and support.

Could you see a solicitor.

He is an awful man and separation would be better for you.

What ages are your children.

With tight men on high salaries, you might get more money than you realise for CM.

That's the unfortunate reality for a lot of single parents, mostly women. If financial issues are the concern, then splitting up may not make them automatically better. Or life easier. Wish it wasn't the way.

Sorry to hear you having such a horrible time. It's sounds to me like you should be thinking about leaving your husband and not buying a house sorry to say.

Can I just tell you as a single mum that life is so much easier without a shit husband.

Over the years I have read 100's of posters write this.

100's.

What I have NEVER read is a poster state that they regret being a single parent and would rather be back living with their nasty, screaming, tight husband.

OP, you are being abused.
Get support and advice.
Assemble copies of pay slips and bank accounts and put them somewhere safe, email them to yourself.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

You are being emotional and financially abused by him.

You can get away from him, and feel better for it.

It's absolutely beyond me why so many women allow their mil to speak shit to them.

Sorry, OP, above comment not aimed at you, but the woeful tales of people putting up with verbal bullying from their in-laws.

Your husband sounds abusive.

Honestly OP, I don’t usually say this but I’d honestly be looking into getting my ducks in a row and I’d be making a plan to either look into marriage counselling or to leave. No loving husband treats or speaks to his wife like this, you are not part of a team and he sounds absolutely awful, I’m very sorry that you are in this situation

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. I imagine the responses on the thread have been a bit of an eye opener and probably pretty overwhelming.
Are you able to look into counseling for yourself? It's very hard not to second guess yourself when you have anxiety, especially when you've been ground down for years. You deserve so much better than this OP

Hope your ok op.
Being faced with this must be hard.
But everyone on here is rightly concerned.
And your kids should NOT be seeing this either.which they will.it will be eroding their own sense of selves too.
You and they need to be away from a man who acts like this.
Your weariness and emotional troubles I can almost guarantee is because of the life your living under him and his cruelty.