Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

A lovely house is not a home!

I mean it can be, but yours is not!

LTB. Honestly how fucking grim he is, don’t settle for this shit OP.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP but I agree with this and I think he's the root of how you are feeling. You deserve better than them all

Good grief OP.

I think you should take him at his word, & split.
But don't do that until you have had a good look at all his secretive bank accounts, noted the details, & had a long session with an excellent divorce lawyer.

He will soon find out it is half your house, & half your money.

I'm not joking. What use is he to you? What benefit or support do you get from this sham of a marriage? He is emotionally & financially abusive, his parents have obviously raised him as the Golden Child, & you are doing all the house drudgery & childcare as well as working.

Why move house WITH this awful man?
Get that lawyer appointment, get full disclosure on all the bank accounts, money, pensions, mortgage & assets - & start looking for your OWN house.

Why the fuck would you stay with a man that makes you feel like this?

Do you think it's good for your kids that their dad is telling their mum to "get out his fucking house"?!

@HermioneWeasley 👏100%

Have you considered speaking to Women's Aid about all this, OP? I'm fairly certain they'd confirm that you are in a financially abusive marriage.

I'm sure they would have advice for you on how best to deal with things moving forward.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change, unfortunately.

@Anonabc it sounds like a really tough situation. From your description you seem to be having to do everything as a single parent plus meet all your DH’s demands.
If your DH feels the house is his (are you on the deeds/mortgage?) shouldn’t the house hunting be his responsibility? Could you stop arranging viewings?
It sounds like you are in need of some self-care time. Can you arrange some child care to take a few hours to yourself?
I’ve never written ‘leave him’ on a thread but I’m really curious what you get from the relationship.

You didn't go far enough! How can you put up with that?
I'd certainly ku be house hunting, but on my own...

This is an appalling situation OP, but on the plus side, he has a job so can pay child support and you have a job which makes separating easier

pull both of your financials
go and see a solicitor to find out how it will divide up
hatch a plan to leave
when you are ready, tell him it’s over

This is a terrible situation for both you and the kids. Get rid of this horrible man now.

'It's my fucking divorce, give me half of the fucking house''...

Say that to him...If you are married, divorce the creep!
He sounds awful!

Well your DH is financially abusive and a right dick 😢 O suspect mentioning it to your inlaws was a cry for help.

I hope you’re ok OP. I’d start working out what an exit from this marriage would look like. Have a private chat with a divorce lawyer about what a settlement from your DH would look like. If he’s such a high earner and you’ve done most of the kids and house and made career sacrifices, he’d have to pay you maintenance etc…

Wouldn’t you rather be single (and with your rightful share of the marital assets) than broke and married?

He sounds horrendous, @Anonabc
Please divorce him.

As PP have said, this is financial abuse.
You'd be better off if you divorced him. Personally, emotionally and financially. He sounds like a total shit. And so do his parents.
The apple clearly hasn't fallen far from the tree.

You need to leave this nasty bastard.

So if you are sooo stressed and so unhappy, why are you still with this man? Only you can change your situation. It sounds like you dumped on your in laws because you want them to do something about your husband. Not their job! Decide ehat you want and tell the man. He doesn't read minds... Otherwise stop moaning.

I don't think you should buy a house with him. I think you should take half the assets and get your own house (bought or rented).

And that's one task off your plate (arranging house viewings), giving you more time to focus on getting out of this situation.

Like many other posters I have never said LTB but I honestly think you should. My marriage is far from perfect but this level of inequity, financial and verbal abuse, lack of care for you and your DC, and complete disrespect crosses the most generous of lines. What’s in the ‘pro’ column, here, for you and the children? Good luck OP. You sound very ground down. Your conversation with the ILs is not the issue. You are living a half life on eggshells with someone who doesn’t demonstrate love or care, and nobody deserves that.

at least half the assets. That should be a starting-point only.

your Inlaws are the least of your problems but they sound like twats. Your bigger problem is their cunt of a son who is a lousy father than a nasty, controlling cunt by the sound of it. I’d spend less time looking for a new house to live in with him, and more time and my precious resources making a new life away from him.

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for

Divorce this bullying, abusive arsehole. I've never said that on MN before, in 15 years.

Give your kids a better life and don't let them grow up thinking your relationship is a model to follow in their own lives.

Hmm, doesn’t sound like anxiety to me, sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. Rather than wasting your time on trying to facilitate him buying a nicer house (which I bet will be wrong and it will be your fault), how about making a plan to leave him? Take your in-laws money and save it- also save every penny of your own salary and stop buying stuff for the house/ kids- tell him either he stumps up the cash or you all go without.

Leave him, you will be far better off! And you'll be able to afford childcare!

I was in this position and the in-laws didn't believe a word I said. You need to get legal advice and support ASAP. Also check out the website living with the dominator.
This is abuse and you need help. Big hugs.

😢