Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

OP, your inlaws are stupid but they don't matter. The much bigger problem is your husband. He is financially abusing you. If you really want to stay with him, you could try couples counselling. But really, is a man who verbally and financially abuses you ever going to turn into a loving partner and father? It's not on the cards.

I would contact a lawyer and find out how much better you'd be without him.

They’ll always side with him. He could be a serial killer and he’d still be in the right.
When you’re married it’s not ‘My fucking house’ legally it’s ours and seeing as he’s a lazy bastard in his own house it’s more yours.
Go look for a house for you and the dc and get rid. I’m sure your anxiety will improve 100% because he’s the one causing it!

If I had been told that about my Son I would advise you to leave him.
I would then tell him he's a fucking disgrace and doesn't deserve you. 💐

Which is why your son wouldn't be acting like this!

He sounds like an arse but you might have to tough it out and wait for kids to get older. It might be hard now but itll be even harder with no partner and probably no child support. If you didn't have kids it'd be easier to leave, but your life will financially get worse. And times are tough enough already. Just don't have any more kids.

I agree with everything everybody is saying.... but have more questions for you....
Your kids are growing up in this atmosphere, hearing his words, seeing his behaviour towards you...and do not, for one minute, think they are oblivious, regardless of their ages..
What sort of example are you setting them for their future relationships?
That this is acceptable?
That this is normal?
If you dont feel strong enough to get out of this situation for yourself... then please please do it for your children... you are their primary role model... you are strong enough to do it for them.

I agree with everyone...except 'expectingfirstbaby'.... no-one should ever stay in an abusive relationship 'for the kids'.....
And when the 'kids' grow up they will tell you that!!

If they've offered you money they're accepting that he has form re financial things. I'd be so ashamed if any of my children were abusing their partner like this

Do your detective work, get copies of all his payslips, bank statements, pension details etc, get yours & dc passports, birth certificates etc & start an exit plan, see a solicitor & start divorce proceedings. Look for somewhere else to live & LTB, he will never change. It's good he is a high earner, he can afford to pay £££ maintenance.

For goodness sake, if you are miserable the kids are too, get out of it, before you know it you will be on your own with Scrooge, leave tomorrow.

I think your in-laws are your least problem and I actually think it's good you told them some hoke truths even though it probably won't make a difference to how they see him.

More importantly though, Opy what you've written above this is unacceptable behaviour from your dh.

If someone said that to me OP it'd be the last thing they ever said to me because I'd disappear and start divorce proceedings. Completely unacceptable to speak to someone like that.

^^ this. He doesnt sound financially abusive - he is.

And you continue to have children with him?

Did you tell them he also swears at you and talks to you with contempt? I would be so upset with my son if he talked to his partner like that. Maybe tell him you deserve respect and if he can’t show it to you then that’s it.

Excuse me Clego, as it's not your fault for not being aware of this ... but

OP DO NOT ENTER COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN.

Couples counselling, when one of the parties is abusove, is NOT recommended by any professional therapist/counsellor.

If you feel the need for counselling you go for it OP - you could use the support & a professional member of Team You.
But solo - ok?

Me neither.

But me too.

He sounds really horrible ! Do you really want to stay with him ? I am not surprised that you have anxiety living with such an unkind and controlling man.

Why the fuck are you looking at moving house with this arsehole. You’d be better off and less stressed a a single parent and kids probably wouldn’t notice he isn’t around and mum would be happier. Win win…

why stay with a man that bullies you like that? You’re teaching your children this is how relationships work. This is how men treat women. This is how men parent and mothers let them.

make a plan. Leave.

FFS I despair.

Can you just cut this crap out @Expectingfirstbaby ?

OP is a grown woman with her own career.
With that, & maintenance, she will manage.

She'll be a darn sight more confident, capable, & better off without her arsehole of a husband pulling her apart, screaming abuse at her, & keeping her short of funds.

How DARE you advise her to stay with her abuser for money?

OP - you will have MORE money by divorcing this man. The courts will ensure it. He will have to pay maintenance for his children, & can be forced to if he chooses to play silly buggers. Your anxiety will reduce significantly without his horrible treatment of you throwing your MH out of whack. Please keep posting. & stay strong for you, & your DC

Maybe you should think carefully about moving to a (presumably) more expensive house - because that might make it more difficult to leave if you decide to.

Do you have any real world support Op? I’m wondering if you said all that up the in-laws to tell them home truths (perfect) or because you are desperately reaching out for support and validation? You’re not going to get what you need from them BUT that doesn’t mean that how your dh treats you and his family is remotely ok.

I hope you’re ok this evening, and there hasn’t been a backlash?

You haven't done anything wrong here, OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly stressful for you right now. You have a lot on your plate and I imagine you'd like some support from your husband at the very least. He sounds as though he's very cruel towards you with some of the things he's saying. I think you need to have a chat with him when both of you are in a calm mood. He cannot possibly think it's acceptable to talk to you the way he does, nor make you feel guilty for working/not working/money etc. Sending hugs

Are you having a difficult day @Cantstandbullshit ?

Because I cannot fathom any other reason for your desire to kick a woman when she is down. Shame on you.

As others have said - this man is abusive and abuse escalates.
please read
this
do not let him see it
start collecting documents without him knowing.
contact womens’ aid
by no means should you go to counseling - or let him know what you are thinking- but you probably already know how that would end.
move this to relationships, make your browsing private and keep posting

He cannot possibly think it's acceptable to talk to you the way he does, nor make you feel guilty for working/not working/money etc.

Sure he can, Pollyanna.
Or he wouldn't do it, would he?