Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

Why are you with him? What positives does he bring to your life?

I have been an an almost identical situation, be very cautious around your DH. I stayed and remarkably we fixed our relationship but my god it was hard. I said to him outright that his behaviour was coercive control. Also if he is tight with money if you do leave him, be aware it is likely to be a real slog. Get a mediator to help with settlement as using a lawyer as a confidante will be expensive. Also make sure you are 100% prepped and know your rights. Research it carefully. 💐

LTB LTB LTB LTB LTB - This is ABUSE

I’d be looking for a new house alright one I’d be moving into

This is financial abuse. I bet you’d have a lot
less anxiety without this dickhead husband bringing you down.

OP - I haven’t read the replies on here but I can’t imagine that I’ll be the only one saying that this is abuse. Your husband sounds truly awful.

Whats the going rate for a 24/7 live-in nanny? Find out. Write up an invoice for your time and backdate it for as many years as you’ve been looking after the children. Then divorce the twat and take him for every penny that he has! Does he understand that the only reason he’s able to do what he does is because you take on the full physical, mental and emotional responsibilities of the children?!

You deserve better, and I hope you know that. Be cautious around your in-laws. I doubt the apple falls far from the tree ❤️

OP, you do not have anxiety. You have been gaslighted by an abusive man into thinking that you have anxiety. Divorce the abusive arsehole and your anxiety will melt away.

You need to value yourself more. Your children should not be raised to think this sort of abuse is what a marriage involves. Please gather all your strength and get out.

Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.
Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

I really don't think that level of verbal abuse is tolerable in the long term. His parents sound awful too so thats probably where he gets his behavioural problems from.

People tend to get fed up and walk out eventually. I''m not sure why you aren't objecting to it more.

OP. Nope not unreasonable at all.
I have a high earning dh and had 80 years off (moons ago). He never ever said things like it's my house. Neither did he ever baulk at writing a cheque every month to cover: food, clubs, dinner money, haircuts, clothes, shoes, the odd lunch out, dentist, optician, etc. Admittedly I'm not then last of the big spenders oh and he always paid for the cleaner.

I have been slated to high heaven on here because I did everything and went back to work full-time when dd was settled in reception and still did everything. But our load was always equal. When the DC were little I was out of the house for 8.5 hours, he was out of the house for 14.

There is a massive difference between a successful arsehole and a successful decent man. Even if they are both workaholics.

The fact that you feel awful for telling the truth to your IL's smacking complicity and a whole other level of manipulation. My MIL can be very damning but at least she still tells dh to belt up when necessary. She's 86, he's 60!

Being married to a successful workaholic takes grit and resilience and a good deal of independence and bravado but it is rewarding in all sorts of ways and shoukd be inherently respectful and loving.

Being married to an arsehole, is being married to an arsehole, whatever the circumstances.

8 years off - felt like 80 when they were being little shits, had nits and broke a leg or arm

Honestly you would be so much better off without him in your life. It is controlling coercive behaviour. He will never change. LTB.

Blimey OP, your H sounds awful TBH...

Sorry love. You need a divorce

Oh dear @Anonabc - this is a much bigger problem than anything you may have said! This is awful. So sorry you are living with this.

What do you get out if this marriage? He is selfish. You are stressed. I would rather be single any day than married to such a pig. In fact, I left a marriage where he was generous but condescending and critical. Best thing I ever did. Life is too short for that shite.

The four behaviours that predict divorce are:

criticism,
defensiveness
stonewalling
contempt

Why stay?

Well certainly don't tie yourself to a house purchase with this fucking arsehole. Untie yourself from the marriage too. What a life.

I need to add one more thing. I would rather live alone than live in a palace with a man like your husband.

This isn't you overanalysing OP , your husband is awful and I agreewith PP financially and verbally abusive. Look for somewhere on your own. I would be careful about saying anything more to your in laws, they are not your allies if they think he is god, and based on their nasty responses.
Please tell someone in your own family /friends about all of this so they can support you in getting away. You've had some good advice on what info you need to get together. What an awful man. Sorry.

@Anonabc Hope younare OK op.

Your DH sounds like an abusive cunt and I would make plans to leave.

This!

Thank you everyone for the responses and support.

no there hasn’t been a backlash yet as he won’t see his parents till the weekend. It’s just exhausting. No I don’t really have any support in RL.

That's domestic abuse does he give you money for day to day running of the house? I would be p*ing off.

Ah your husband is a dick and his parents are dicks. Leave, you probably have anxiety from living with this bollocks.